Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 6 of 7

251. “Maile nodded. “I should do a live webcam of my uterus and call it What’s Up Maile?” I wasn’t sure it would play on prime time but it’d probably be more redeeming than the Kardashians.”

— Jenny Lawson

252. “You have to confront those decapitated heads because you can’t grow without acknowledging that we are all made up from the weirdness that we try to hide from the rest of the world. Everyone has human heads in their closet.”

— Jenny Lawson

253. “The phrase “Rest in peace” seems incredibly self-serving. It basically means, “Stay in your grave. Don’t haunt me.”

— Jenny Lawson

254. “Your Pants Are Bragging at Me.”

— Jenny Lawson

255. “I was in the midst of a medium-sized panic attack.”

— Jenny Lawson

256. “We’re better than Galileo. Because he’s dead.”

— Jenny Lawson

257. “It’s how people fish when they’ve run completely out of bait, dynamite, and any common sense whatsoever. There.”

— Jenny Lawson

258. “The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.”

— Jenny Lawson

259. “Unfortunately, that was not my father’s intent at all, and my eyes widened in horror as my father leaned over and yelled in his booming, cheerful voice, “HELLOOOO, VICTOR,” while tossing a live bobcat on him. Most.”

— Jenny Lawson

260. “Today an applicant who couldn’t pass the typing test blamed it on me for giving her “a trick keyboard because the keys weren’t in alphabetical order.”

— Jenny Lawson

261. “Someone once said that if you make something no one hates, no one will ever love it either, and that’s true.”

— Jenny Lawson

262. “I’ve tried many torturous techniques to make my outsides fit the ridiculous standards society has set but it never ends well because my body lives in reality and it’s a reality that has too much cheese in it.”

— Jenny Lawson

263. “Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.”

— Jenny Lawson

264. “I am caught in a Mark Twain shame spiral.”

— Jenny Lawson

265. “My original list read as follows: 1. Lick David Tennant’s face. 2. Ride a golden unicorn. 3. Wish for more wishes.”

— Jenny Lawson

266. “You’re quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person. You win.1 You are amazing.”

— Jenny Lawson

267. “I yanked my arm out, and the cow looked back at me in disgust. And that’s when I realized that I no longer had the turkey baster.”

— Jenny Lawson

268. “They should change “You can’t handle the truth” to “You can’t handle these goats” because it’s more realistic.”

— Jenny Lawson

269. “Yeah, I know what “off the horse” means. I just can’t remember how we got to the point where I’m defending myself against the imaginary accusations of a man who gives hairless rats to neighborhood children, and who apparently trusts the nonexistent squirrel junkies in the attic.”

— Jenny Lawson

270. “I feel sorry for tribes that used to be cannibals but then stopped when the Christians came and inevitably ruined everything, because it would suck to be nostalgic for the comfort food of your childhood but then never have it again because now it’s suddenly not cool to eat your dead uncle.”

— Jenny Lawson

271. “I’ve always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you.”

— Jenny Lawson

272. “Wall. I pointed out that perhaps he’d been named that because he was the man who’d invented walls, and she sighed impatiently, pointing out that it would be hard to believe that a man had invented walls when most of them couldn’t even be bothered to close the bathroom door while they’re using it.”

— Jenny Lawson

273. “That’s the great thing about hanging out with bloggers. They already know that you’re broken, and most of them are, too, so they just nod and make you go take Xanax and go to bed. They’re very supportive. Also they probably wanted me to leave so they could talk about me.”

— Jenny Lawson

274. “She was right, but at the same time she reminded me why girls make both great and terrible friends: They actually listen to your goals, even when you’re too drunk to know what you’re saying.”

— Jenny Lawson

275. “Also, if you try to make a shrimp boil but the bag of spices bursts and so you just toss it all in along with whatever spices you can find in the pantry, you can make homemade pepper spray.”

— Jenny Lawson

276. “If you scored between zero and 8,000: You are you. You’re more you than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Keep going. You’re on the right track. Also, your hair looks great today.”

— Jenny Lawson

277. “I am very aware of the fact that I’m not right. I know hiding under tables and in bathrooms isn’t normal. I know that I’ve carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn’t survive any other way.”

— Jenny Lawson

278. “Unfortunately I always end up sitting next to people who don’t know any drinking songs at all and spend their time making pie charts, which is pretty much the worst use of pie ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

279. “I don’t even remember the first time I did meth in front of my child. This is mostly because I’ve never actually done meth. But it’s a good way to start out a chapter about how you fear you’re failing as a parent because it sets the bar of child-rearing very, very low and everything you do that isn’t meth in front of your children seems incredibly impressive by comparison. My.”

— Jenny Lawson

280. “Lick David Tennant’s face.”

— Jenny Lawson

281. “The last e-mail I got about the get-together suggested several shoe changes in one day. I only have one pair of nice shoes and they’re flats. MY SISTER: Well, you have arthritis, so you have a good excuse. ME: Yes, but I feel like I need to put that on my shirt: “Please don’t judge my flats. I have a disability.”

— Jenny Lawson

282. “How in the world could they have killed themselves? They had everything.” But they didn’t. They didn’t have a cure for an illness that convinced them they were better off dead.”

— Jenny Lawson

283. “Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

284. “Sometimes I think you want me dead, but the truth isn’t so absolute. You just don’t care for me to live.”

— Jenny Lawson

285. “Mentally ill. It’s a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly.”

— Jenny Lawson

286. “They should change “like finding a needle in a haystack” to “like finding a pen that works in that drawer filled with pens that don’t work.”

— Jenny Lawson

287. “Right now, as you read this, you are alone, you gorgeous solitary creature. But I am with you. We share this paragraph and these words, and even if you don’t agree with me you are listening and we have connected in small and large ways. And in that way we are not alone. We are together. And in a way that doesn’t even require you to put on pants.”

— Jenny Lawson

288. “Forgive yourself. For being broken. For being you. For thinking those are things that you need forgiveness for.”

— Jenny Lawson

289. “To the birds, I assume it must’ve been very much like accepting a ride from a stranger, only to get in the back of the van to find several murdered hikers who were being made into lamp shades. My.”

— Jenny Lawson

290. “If one day I look at you and don’t remember who you are or how much you mean to me, know that your importance is still as real then as it is now. Know that you are locked away someplace safe. Know that the me who loved you is still sitting on that beach, forever feeling the sunlight. And know that I’m okay with not having that memory right now, because the me that holds it tight is keeping it safe and uncorrupted and glorious. And she loves you. And I do too. Remember that.”

— Jenny Lawson

291. “Human foibles are what make us us, and the art of mortification is what brings us all together.”

— Jenny Lawson

292. “Don’t just be some random person. Be the MOST random person.”

— Jenny Lawson

293. “I don’t remember how to feel like I did before. I know it will pass. I remind myself it will pass. It’s like reminding myself that I don’t need to breathe when I’m underwater. My body doesn’t believe it. My head doesn’t either. But my past says it will pass. And my past has never lied the way depression lies to me, so I take a deep breath and keep moving forward, even though I’ve forgotten where I was going.”

— Jenny Lawson

294. “It might be all in my head, but that’s where I keep all my crazy, so that makes sense.”

— Jenny Lawson

295. “Whenever something truly mortifying happens, you have a choice. You can let it haunt you for the rest of your life or you can celebrate it, as today’s awkward moment is tomorrow’s fantastic story.”

— Jenny Lawson

296. “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. – LEONARD COHEN.”

— Jenny Lawson

297. “It steals away the very essence of you and leaves terrible lies in its place. It takes the logic that is true and twists it so that you can’t see things that are rational and real. That depression lies to you. You recognize these lies when you are sane or stable or balanced, but when you are in the depths of a depression they seem real. When I’m in that hole I remind myself that my brain is lying and that I’ll realize that fully when I recover. And I do.”

— Jenny Lawson

298. “In some ways it’s a relief to feel the pain of coming rains. It assures me that the storms in my head are real too. And that they will, as well, pass in time. I wonder if there’s a weather pattern for depression. A barometric pressure for anxiety. A bad wind for sleeplessness and fear. I wonder why I’m so much rain in bones and fog in thought.”

— Jenny Lawson

299. “People without depression won’t understand that, but the fatigue of mental illness makes your very body a prison.”

— Jenny Lawson

300. “Antipsychotic. I dare you to find a drug that will freak people out more when they’re rifling through your medicine cabinet during parties.”

— Jenny Lawson