Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “I’d like political candidates to present their prep plans for the zombie apocalypse, or for the robot revolution, or for when the Internet becomes self-aware, because at least then the debates would be more interesting.”

— Jenny Lawson

252. “Imagine having a disease so overwhelming that your mind causes you to want to murder yourself. Imagine having a malignant disorder that no one understands. Imagine having a dangerous affliction that even you can’t control or suppress. Imagine.”

— Jenny Lawson

253. “Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS.”

— Jenny Lawson

254. “Someone once said that if you make something no one hates, no one will ever love it either, and that’s true.”

— Jenny Lawson

255. “I’ve tried many torturous techniques to make my outsides fit the ridiculous standards society has set but it never ends well because my body lives in reality and it’s a reality that has too much cheese in it.”

— Jenny Lawson

256. “It’ll be like when your parents give you the biggest present at Christmas but you unwrap it and there’s a smaller present inside and that keeps happening until you have a mountain o wrapping paper, some new socks, and a lot of unresolved anger.”

— Jenny Lawson

257. “You have to confront those decapitated heads because you can’t grow without acknowledging that we are all made up from the weirdness that we try to hide from the rest of the world. Everyone has human heads in their closet.”

— Jenny Lawson

258. “The phrase “Rest in peace” seems incredibly self-serving. It basically means, “Stay in your grave. Don’t haunt me.”

— Jenny Lawson

259. “Your Pants Are Bragging at Me.”

— Jenny Lawson

260. “I was in the midst of a medium-sized panic attack.”

— Jenny Lawson

261. “We’re better than Galileo. Because he’s dead.”

— Jenny Lawson

262. “It’s how people fish when they’ve run completely out of bait, dynamite, and any common sense whatsoever. There.”

— Jenny Lawson

263. “The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.”

— Jenny Lawson

264. “Unfortunately, that was not my father’s intent at all, and my eyes widened in horror as my father leaned over and yelled in his booming, cheerful voice, “HELLOOOO, VICTOR,” while tossing a live bobcat on him. Most.”

— Jenny Lawson

265. “Today an applicant who couldn’t pass the typing test blamed it on me for giving her “a trick keyboard because the keys weren’t in alphabetical order.”

— Jenny Lawson

266. “Meanwhile, I was doodling pictures of vampiric cougars.”

— Jenny Lawson

267. “I am caught in a Mark Twain shame spiral.”

— Jenny Lawson

268. “My original list read as follows: 1. Lick David Tennant’s face. 2. Ride a golden unicorn. 3. Wish for more wishes.”

— Jenny Lawson

269. “You’re quietly curled up with a book designed to make you a better, happier, more introspective person. You win.1 You are amazing.”

— Jenny Lawson

270. “Sometimes people come into your life just to teach you how not to become them.”

— Jenny Lawson

271. “I yanked my arm out, and the cow looked back at me in disgust. And that’s when I realized that I no longer had the turkey baster.”

— Jenny Lawson

272. “They should change “You can’t handle the truth” to “You can’t handle these goats” because it’s more realistic.”

— Jenny Lawson

273. “Yeah, I know what “off the horse” means. I just can’t remember how we got to the point where I’m defending myself against the imaginary accusations of a man who gives hairless rats to neighborhood children, and who apparently trusts the nonexistent squirrel junkies in the attic.”

— Jenny Lawson

274. “I feel sorry for tribes that used to be cannibals but then stopped when the Christians came and inevitably ruined everything, because it would suck to be nostalgic for the comfort food of your childhood but then never have it again because now it’s suddenly not cool to eat your dead uncle.”

— Jenny Lawson

275. “I’ve always been a fan of therapy. You spend an entire hour talking about yourself and someone has to fake being fascinated by the strange assemblage of minutiae that is you.”

— Jenny Lawson

276. “Also, if you try to make a shrimp boil but the bag of spices bursts and so you just toss it all in along with whatever spices you can find in the pantry, you can make homemade pepper spray.”

— Jenny Lawson

277. “Wall. I pointed out that perhaps he’d been named that because he was the man who’d invented walls, and she sighed impatiently, pointing out that it would be hard to believe that a man had invented walls when most of them couldn’t even be bothered to close the bathroom door while they’re using it.”

— Jenny Lawson

278. “Sometimes I think you want me dead, but the truth isn’t so absolute. You just don’t care for me to live.”

— Jenny Lawson

279. “That’s the great thing about hanging out with bloggers. They already know that you’re broken, and most of them are, too, so they just nod and make you go take Xanax and go to bed. They’re very supportive. Also they probably wanted me to leave so they could talk about me.”

— Jenny Lawson

280. “I am very aware of the fact that I’m not right. I know hiding under tables and in bathrooms isn’t normal. I know that I’ve carved out a life that lets me hide when I need to because I wouldn’t survive any other way.”

— Jenny Lawson

281. “She was right, but at the same time she reminded me why girls make both great and terrible friends: They actually listen to your goals, even when you’re too drunk to know what you’re saying.”

— Jenny Lawson

282. “If you scored between zero and 8,000: You are you. You’re more you than yesterday but not as much as tomorrow. Keep going. You’re on the right track. Also, your hair looks great today.”

— Jenny Lawson

283. “Lick David Tennant’s face.”

— Jenny Lawson

284. “Unfortunately I always end up sitting next to people who don’t know any drinking songs at all and spend their time making pie charts, which is pretty much the worst use of pie ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

285. “I don’t even remember the first time I did meth in front of my child. This is mostly because I’ve never actually done meth. But it’s a good way to start out a chapter about how you fear you’re failing as a parent because it sets the bar of child-rearing very, very low and everything you do that isn’t meth in front of your children seems incredibly impressive by comparison. My.”

— Jenny Lawson

286. “The last e-mail I got about the get-together suggested several shoe changes in one day. I only have one pair of nice shoes and they’re flats. MY SISTER: Well, you have arthritis, so you have a good excuse. ME: Yes, but I feel like I need to put that on my shirt: “Please don’t judge my flats. I have a disability.”

— Jenny Lawson

287. “How in the world could they have killed themselves? They had everything.” But they didn’t. They didn’t have a cure for an illness that convinced them they were better off dead.”

— Jenny Lawson

288. “They should change “like finding a needle in a haystack” to “like finding a pen that works in that drawer filled with pens that don’t work.”

— Jenny Lawson

289. “Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

290. “People without depression won’t understand that, but the fatigue of mental illness makes your very body a prison.”

— Jenny Lawson

291. “Mentally ill. It’s a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly.”

— Jenny Lawson

292. “Don’t just be some random person. Be the MOST random person.”

— Jenny Lawson

293. “Nothing lasts forever. The good and the bad.”

— Jenny Lawson

294. “And I remind myself that I’m lucky to be able to feel such great sorrow, and also such great happiness.”

— Jenny Lawson

295. “Right now, as you read this, you are alone, you gorgeous solitary creature. But I am with you. We share this paragraph and these words, and even if you don’t agree with me you are listening and we have connected in small and large ways. And in that way we are not alone. We are together. And in a way that doesn’t even require you to put on pants.”

— Jenny Lawson

296. “Forgive yourself. For being broken. For being you. For thinking those are things that you need forgiveness for.”

— Jenny Lawson

297. “To the birds, I assume it must’ve been very much like accepting a ride from a stranger, only to get in the back of the van to find several murdered hikers who were being made into lamp shades. My.”

— Jenny Lawson

298. “If one day I look at you and don’t remember who you are or how much you mean to me, know that your importance is still as real then as it is now. Know that you are locked away someplace safe. Know that the me who loved you is still sitting on that beach, forever feeling the sunlight. And know that I’m okay with not having that memory right now, because the me that holds it tight is keeping it safe and uncorrupted and glorious. And she loves you. And I do too. Remember that.”

— Jenny Lawson

299. “Antipsychotic. I dare you to find a drug that will freak people out more when they’re rifling through your medicine cabinet during parties.”

— Jenny Lawson

300. “The world feels safer somehow if we share our pain. It becomes more manageable. And by sharing our pain, we inspire others to share theirs. We are so much less alone if we learn to wear our imperfections proudly, like tarnished jewelry that still shines just as brightly.”

— Jenny Lawson