Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “Comparison is the death of joy.”

— Jenny Lawson

102. “Last year CNN brought me on live TV to discuss a proposal to create “kid-free planes,” and I explained if we were really going to start segregating passengers I’d prefer to ride in an “a-hole-free plane” because babies almost never ask you to join the Mile-High Club, or clip their toenails while in flight, or do any of a plethora of horrible things I’ve witnessed from others.”

— Jenny Lawson

103. “Then I realized that Victor and Maury were staring at me and that they’d asked me a question about the will but I couldn’t remember what it was so I just said, “When I die I’d like all my stuff to be left to my cat.”

— Jenny Lawson

104. “Life passes. Then comes the depression. That feeling that you’ll never be right again. The fear that these outbreaks will become more familiar, or worse, never go away. You’re so tired from fighting that you start to listen to all the little lies your brain tells you. The ones that say that you’re a drain on your family. The ones that say that it’s all in your head. The ones that say that if you were stronger or better this wouldn’t be happening to you.”

— Jenny Lawson

105. “Whenever I start to doubt if I’m worth the eternal trouble of medication and therapy, I remember those people who let the fog win.”

— Jenny Lawson

106. “I assume this must be quite confusing for people whom I’ve communicated with only via e-mail and texts, since I can actually come across as reasonably witty and coherent in e-mail, because I have time to think about what a normal, filtered, mentally stable adult would write before I press “Send.” This is why I prefer to talk to people only electronically.”

— Jenny Lawson

107. “I blame whoever makes spice out of Mace, and I reminded my gasping dinner guests that even if I did Mace them, I did it in an old-fashioned, homemade, Martha Stewart sort of way. With love.”

— Jenny Lawson

108. “It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, “My lady garden is going viral.” In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.”

— Jenny Lawson

109. “In the dark you find yourself, all bones and exhaustion and helplessness. In the dark you find your basest self. In the dark you find the bottom of watery trenches the rest of the world only sees the surface of.”

— Jenny Lawson

110. “Also, I can’t stop pronouncing the ‘p’ in ‘hamster.’” “There is no ‘p’ in ‘hamster.’” “Well, obviously you’ve never squeezed one hard enough. There’s tons of pee in them.”

— Jenny Lawson

111. “Like it says in the Bible, being a friend means never having to witness farting belly buttons. Or something. I might be misremembering.”

— Jenny Lawson

112. “The next two weeks of class focused on cooking and I used my flour baby to make a pineapple upside-down cake. My baby was delicious.”

— Jenny Lawson

113. “There is such freedom in being able to celebrate and appreciate the unique moments that recharge you and give you peace and joy.”

— Jenny Lawson

114. “Like books, the Internet has saved my life. It helped me recognize that so many people I adore suffer from the same things I do.”

— Jenny Lawson

115. “I’ve learned to use my spoons wisely. To say no. To push myself, but not too hard. To try to enjoy the amazingness of life while teetering at the edge of terror and fatigue. This.”

— Jenny Lawson

116. “It’s interesting with my blog, because it feels to me less like a blog and more like a forum, because my readers are so funny and leave hysterical comments. And I’m not being humble when I say that very often, the comments are so much better than the post originally was.”

— Jenny Lawson

117. “Dear Victor: This bath towel was wet and you left it on the floor and it was the last clean one in the house. I’m pretty sure this is how tuberculosis is spread. I’m writing all this in my blog in case I end up dead because of your carelessness.”

— Jenny Lawson

118. “The more I considered it, the more I realized how much I have in common with these koalas. We’re both immunocompromised, lightly diseased, exhausted, and full of toxins. I’m totally a koala.”

— Jenny Lawson

119. “Some days are good, and some days are bad, and some days are the days you get a dead dog in the mail. They can’t all be winners.”

— Jenny Lawson

120. “I remembered watching Slim Goodbody on TV, an odd white guy with a small Afro who wore a full-body leotard with the inside of the human body painted on it, which made him look as if he’d been flayed alive. He.”

— Jenny Lawson

121. “Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, “Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!”

— Jenny Lawson

122. “The whole world could be cured with enough cake and antipsychotics.”

— Jenny Lawson

123. “I finally said okay, but only if my mom could watch our daughter because I didn’t trust anyone else to stay with her. Hailey was seven at the time and was that strange combination of confidently independent and dangerously stupid that really only comes with young children and drunks, so I was hesitant to leave her.”

— Jenny Lawson

124. “Someone has to be the worst ninja in the class. That’s just basic math.”

— Jenny Lawson

125. “Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn’t even in the hospital. He doesn’t want pajamas.”

— Jenny Lawson

126. “I can’t think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.”

— Jenny Lawson

127. “The shiny people are a lie.”

— Jenny Lawson

128. “That way you look friendly and also terrifying to anyone passing by, which is nice because then people won’t bother you while you’re reading. In fact, you can rip out the previous page and glue photocopies of it on the covers of all of your other books because it’s like a subtle “Do Not Disturb” sign.”

— Jenny Lawson

129. “The world always looks nicer when it’s a little blurry – that’s why so many of us have a second glass of wine at dinner.”

— Jenny Lawson

130. “We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.”

— Jenny Lawson

131. “This place is very bushy,” I said, using words to describe things.”

— Jenny Lawson

132. “That raccoon is my goddamn role model. He is the worst and best Patronus ever, and I want to be just like him when I grow up.”

— Jenny Lawson

133. “Are asparaguses just artichokes that haven’t grown properly? Like they started smoking and got really skinny, like supermodels?”

— Jenny Lawson

134. “Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax. In fact, I should probably charge money to all the normal people to simply not go to your social functions and ruin them.”

— Jenny Lawson

135. “Did they teach you how to pronounce ‘Avada Kedavra’ when you bought it?” I ask. Victor just stares at me. Probably because he’s never read any of the Harry Potter books.”

— Jenny Lawson

136. “My new mantra was “Decorum is highly overrated and probably causes cancer.”

— Jenny Lawson

137. “It’s okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.”

— Jenny Lawson

138. “Technically, if I were farther away from the center of the Earth then I’d be subjected to less gravity and then I would weigh less. So I’m not really fat. I’m just not high enough.”

— Jenny Lawson

139. “Because getting a headset sweaty was kind of small potatoes compared to the fact that I was brandishing a machete at large raptors, while considering the pros and cons of hiring a pimp to dig up our dead dog.”

— Jenny Lawson

140. “You never think to appreciate your arms until you need them to stop the floor from punching you in the face.”

— Jenny Lawson

141. “When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.”

— Jenny Lawson

142. “I’m always another half day behind in life.”

— Jenny Lawson

143. “Some claim that depression can be “prayed away” or is caused when you don’t have enough God in your life. I tried God once but it didn’t work well so I cut the dose by a third.”

— Jenny Lawson

144. “It’s about taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they’re the same moments we take into battle with us.”

— Jenny Lawson

145. “I had always wanted to go on the Orient Express, but that I’d sort of consider it a wasted opportunity if a murder didn’t happen. It’s not that I’m particularly bloodthirsty, it’s just that I have standards.”

— Jenny Lawson

146. “I think that’s how love works. Sometimes it means doing the washing up when it’s not your mess, and sometimes it’s driving to the airport three times in one week to pick up a loved one, and sometimes it’s all unexpected bears and possible surprise giraffes.”

— Jenny Lawson

147. “I’d eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter.”

— Jenny Lawson

148. “I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again.”

— Jenny Lawson

149. “That’s why you should never dust too much. Because dust is what holds the world together. The whole world is made up of it. Dust from the wind. Dust from dinosaur bones. Stardust.”

— Jenny Lawson

150. “I’m betting the dark side had good life insurance plans. The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.”

— Jenny Lawson