Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I blame whoever makes spice out of Mace, and I reminded my gasping dinner guests that even if I did Mace them, I did it in an old-fashioned, homemade, Martha Stewart sort of way. With love.”

— Jenny Lawson

102. “The more I considered it, the more I realized how much I have in common with these koalas. We’re both immunocompromised, lightly diseased, exhausted, and full of toxins. I’m totally a koala.”

— Jenny Lawson

103. “I finally said okay, but only if my mom could watch our daughter because I didn’t trust anyone else to stay with her. Hailey was seven at the time and was that strange combination of confidently independent and dangerously stupid that really only comes with young children and drunks, so I was hesitant to leave her.”

— Jenny Lawson

104. “I’ve learned to use my spoons wisely. To say no. To push myself, but not too hard. To try to enjoy the amazingness of life while teetering at the edge of terror and fatigue. This.”

— Jenny Lawson

105. “Someone has to be the worst ninja in the class. That’s just basic math.”

— Jenny Lawson

106. “Australia is filled with roundabouts and everyone drives on the wrong side of the road. In the end we decided to split up the work and I feverishly watched the GPS and yelled, “Left! Right! ROUNDABOUT!”

— Jenny Lawson

107. “That way you look friendly and also terrifying to anyone passing by, which is nice because then people won’t bother you while you’re reading. In fact, you can rip out the previous page and glue photocopies of it on the covers of all of your other books because it’s like a subtle “Do Not Disturb” sign.”

— Jenny Lawson

108. “I remembered watching Slim Goodbody on TV, an odd white guy with a small Afro who wore a full-body leotard with the inside of the human body painted on it, which made him look as if he’d been flayed alive. He.”

— Jenny Lawson

109. “I can’t think of another type of illness where the sufferer is made to feel guilty and question their self-care when their medications need to be changed.”

— Jenny Lawson

110. “Did they teach you how to pronounce ‘Avada Kedavra’ when you bought it?” I ask. Victor just stares at me. Probably because he’s never read any of the Harry Potter books.”

— Jenny Lawson

111. “This place is very bushy,” I said, using words to describe things.”

— Jenny Lawson

112. “Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn’t even in the hospital. He doesn’t want pajamas.”

— Jenny Lawson

113. “Like books, the Internet has saved my life. It helped me recognize that so many people I adore suffer from the same things I do.”

— Jenny Lawson

114. “That raccoon is my goddamn role model. He is the worst and best Patronus ever, and I want to be just like him when I grow up.”

— Jenny Lawson

115. “Are asparaguses just artichokes that haven’t grown properly? Like they started smoking and got really skinny, like supermodels?”

— Jenny Lawson

116. “It’s interesting with my blog, because it feels to me less like a blog and more like a forum, because my readers are so funny and leave hysterical comments. And I’m not being humble when I say that very often, the comments are so much better than the post originally was.”

— Jenny Lawson

117. “Dear Victor: This bath towel was wet and you left it on the floor and it was the last clean one in the house. I’m pretty sure this is how tuberculosis is spread. I’m writing all this in my blog in case I end up dead because of your carelessness.”

— Jenny Lawson

118. “We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.”

— Jenny Lawson

119. “It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, “My lady garden is going viral.” In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.”

— Jenny Lawson

120. “It’s okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.”

— Jenny Lawson

121. “I used to feel a lot of guilt about having depression but then I realized that’s a lot like feeling guilty for having brown hair.”

— Jenny Lawson

122. “There is such freedom in being able to celebrate and appreciate the unique moments that recharge you and give you peace and joy.”

— Jenny Lawson

123. “You never think to appreciate your arms until you need them to stop the floor from punching you in the face.”

— Jenny Lawson

124. “The world always looks nicer when it’s a little blurry – that’s why so many of us have a second glass of wine at dinner.”

— Jenny Lawson

125. “Because getting a headset sweaty was kind of small potatoes compared to the fact that I was brandishing a machete at large raptors, while considering the pros and cons of hiring a pimp to dig up our dead dog.”

— Jenny Lawson

126. “When Hailey was born my first thought was that I needed a drink and that hospitals should have bars in them.”

— Jenny Lawson

127. “I’m always another half day behind in life.”

— Jenny Lawson

128. “The shiny people are a lie.”

— Jenny Lawson

129. “Life passes. Then comes the depression. That feeling that you’ll never be right again. The fear that these outbreaks will become more familiar, or worse, never go away. You’re so tired from fighting that you start to listen to all the little lies your brain tells you. The ones that say that you’re a drain on your family. The ones that say that it’s all in your head. The ones that say that if you were stronger or better this wouldn’t be happening to you.”

— Jenny Lawson

130. “Pretending to be normal is draining and requires amazing amounts of energy and Xanax. In fact, I should probably charge money to all the normal people to simply not go to your social functions and ruin them.”

— Jenny Lawson

131. “The whole world could be cured with enough cake and antipsychotics.”

— Jenny Lawson

132. “Technically, if I were farther away from the center of the Earth then I’d be subjected to less gravity and then I would weigh less. So I’m not really fat. I’m just not high enough.”

— Jenny Lawson

133. “It’s about taking those moments when things are fine and making them amazing, because those moments are what make us who we are, and they’re the same moments we take into battle with us.”

— Jenny Lawson

134. “My new mantra was “Decorum is highly overrated and probably causes cancer.”

— Jenny Lawson

135. “I’d eat a human foot if it was smothered in enough cheese and butter.”

— Jenny Lawson

136. “There are few things in the world that make me angrier than poverty, the lack of basic human civil rights, and the fact that most women’s clothes don’t have pockets. Obviously the first two are more pressing, but the pockets thing is pretty irritating too.”

— Jenny Lawson

137. “Whenever I start to doubt if I’m worth the eternal trouble of medication and therapy, I remember those people who let the fog win.”

— Jenny Lawson

138. “I’m betting the dark side had good life insurance plans. The dark side always seemed very organized and vaguely Republican.”

— Jenny Lawson

139. “I wanted to cheer him up, but it felt weird wanting to cheer up someone who was possibly depressed because they didn’t murder you correctly, and that’s when I thought, “This must be what love is. When you want to make it less difficult for someone to murder you.” And that’s when I realized that I was far too in love with him for my own good, and also that I probably needed therapy.”

— Jenny Lawson

140. “I can grab on to each moment of joy and live in those moments because I have seen the bright contrast from dark to light and back again.”

— Jenny Lawson

141. “I think that’s how love works. Sometimes it means doing the washing up when it’s not your mess, and sometimes it’s driving to the airport three times in one week to pick up a loved one, and sometimes it’s all unexpected bears and possible surprise giraffes.”

— Jenny Lawson

142. “I’ve been around a lot of pigs and none of them have ever tried to eat me. The pig farmer next door told me that’s because pigs are picky and won’t eat people who are still alive. This seems odd because I think wanting to eat a corpse is sort of the opposite of being a picky eater, but I’ll defer to the experts on this one.”

— Jenny Lawson

143. “Quitting might be easier, but it wouldn’t be better.”

— Jenny Lawson

144. “Pretty much everyone hates high school. It’s a measure of your humanity, I suspect. If you enjoyed high school, you were probably a psychopath or a cheerleader. Or possibly both. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive, you know.”

— Jenny Lawson

145. “They suggested that if you really want to hold a koala but can’t, just get a furry pillowcase and fill it with lightly used cat litter. Or tie a bunch of sedated raccoons together. Or maybe hold a dead koala.”

— Jenny Lawson

146. “Sometimes being crazy is a demon. And sometimes the demon is me. And.”

— Jenny Lawson

147. “Every time I get a pimple I worry that it’s the beginning of a new nipple.”

— Jenny Lawson

148. “It is an amazing gift to be able to recognize that the things that make you the happiest are so much easier to grasp than you thought.”

— Jenny Lawson

149. “Except now I’m wondering if maybe Milk-Bones are really delicious and.”

— Jenny Lawson

150. “Last month, as Victor drove me home so I could rest, I told him that sometimes I felt like his life would be easier without me. He paused a moment in thought and then said, “It might be easier. But it wouldn’t be better.”

— Jenny Lawson