Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I’d never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way.”

— Jenny Lawson

202. “When I was a kid I never won anything and when I mentioned it to my mom she looked up from her book and pointed out that I had once been the youngest person in the entire world. Sure, it was only for a millisecond, but it was a record I’d set without even trying.”

— Jenny Lawson

203. “Everyone has human heads in their closet. Sometimes the heads are secrets, or unsaid confessions, or quiet fears. This book is one of those severed heads.”

— Jenny Lawson

204. “That’s the thing about my father. You never know when he’s hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you.”

— Jenny Lawson

205. “So I’m standing there, holding a googly-eyed can of beans as it shakes and loudly farts the birthday song to me in a gas station.”

— Jenny Lawson

206. “Things like nuclear holocaust. Or carbon monoxide poisoning. Or having to leave the house and interact with people who weren’t my mother.”

— Jenny Lawson

207. “People who think it’s so hard to find a needle in a haystack are probably not quilters. Needles find you. Just walk on the haystack for a second. You’ll find the needle.”

— Jenny Lawson

208. “I rented sloths by the hour.”

— Jenny Lawson

209. “There’s something wonderful about experiencing life with friendly strangers and stranger-friends who all fit in your pocket. They celebrate your successes. They send you videos of hedgehogs in bathtubs when you are down. They tell you that you are not alone. And suddenly? You aren’t.”

— Jenny Lawson

210. “People assume that because I’m a girl and my blog is hot pink that my readership is 90% women, but it’s not. It’s probably only about 65%. When I do tours, it’s pretty much the same thing: it’s about one-third guys.”

— Jenny Lawson

211. “Five vans of chicks took off to visit wineries for wine tasting. Only four came back.1.”

— Jenny Lawson

212. “I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, or Mary Poppins’s carpetbag.”

— Jenny Lawson

213. “As it is with all stories, fast cars, wild bears, mental illness, and even life, only one truth remains: your mileage may vary.”

— Jenny Lawson

214. “I have learned that every person in the world is on the spectrum of mental illness. Many people barely register on the scale, while others have far more than they could be expected to handle.”

— Jenny Lawson

215. “Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting.”

— Jenny Lawson

216. “This book is less a sequel to my last one and more a collection of bizarre essays and conversations and confused thoughts stuck together by spilled boxed wine and the frustrated tears of baffled editors who have no choice but to accept my belief that it’s perfectly acceptable to make up something if you need a word that doesn’t already exist, and that punctuation is really more of a suggestion than a law.”

— Jenny Lawson

217. “It’s called “concoctulary,”2 y’all.”

— Jenny Lawson

218. “People almost never look as bad on the outside as I do on the inside, but that’s sort of nice because it reminds me that even when I’m having a bad hair day my ponytail is still more aesthetically pleasing than Gwyneth Paltrow’s bile duct.”

— Jenny Lawson

219. “When I look at my life I see high-water marks of happiness and I see the lower places where I had to convince myself that suicide wasn’t an answer. And in between I see my life. I see that the sadness and tragedy in my life made the euphoria and delicious ecstasy that much more sweet. I see that stretching out my soul to feel every inch of horrific depression gave me more room to grow and enjoy the beauty of life that others might not ever appreciate.”

— Jenny Lawson

220. “Kids don’t use paper book covers anymore. Why is that? They’re missing out on the best part of school, which is doodling genitals and curse words and hiding them in flowery vines.”

— Jenny Lawson

221. “Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn’t have made power tools so awesome.”

— Jenny Lawson

222. “When I wake up in the morning I often find messages left to me on my phone. Then I read the messages and I suspect that I’m being stalked by a madwoman. And I am. That madwoman is me. The calls are coming from inside the house. Some.”

— Jenny Lawson

223. “Even the ugliest person’s cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel’s lower intestine.′ I’d put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.”

— Jenny Lawson

224. “Most people don’t have poisonous tap water in their house.”

— Jenny Lawson

225. “Just cheer up” is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

226. “I spent last night cleaning up nine-year-old vomit. The vomit of a nine-year-old, that is. Not vomit that’s nine years old. I’m not that bad at housekeeping.”

— Jenny Lawson

227. “Victor kept telling me to breathe, and I told him that I already knew how to breathe and why do people even say that because it’s not like people just forget to breathe. He.”

— Jenny Lawson

228. “Whenever Hailey tells me kids at school were mean to her I want to go find those kids and tell them that I’m them from the future and that they’ve failed miserably. And then I’d be like, “And look how fat you got.”

— Jenny Lawson

229. “Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we’re probably delicious.”

— Jenny Lawson

230. “When I got older I found out “gyp” is a derogatory term for “Gypsy” so I nipped that in the bud. But the best replacement the dictionary offered was “flimflam” and it just sounds ridiculous to say, “Your dessert is bigger. I feel flimflammed.” No one is taking that complaint seriously. Instead I just end up feeling bitter about pie and saying nothing.”

— Jenny Lawson

231. “Sometimes when I’m staying in thin-walled hotel rooms I’ll open up my laptop and play TV murder scenes really loudly to see if anyone ever calls the police to report a murder. No one ever does though. It’s like people just don’t care anymore.”

— Jenny Lawson

232. “Victor claims these kinds of things don’t go on in normal households, but I’m pretty sure this entire incident could be blamed on the fact that I have several real-life sleep disorders. This is not too surprising considering I collect neurological disorders like other people collect comic books.”

— Jenny Lawson

233. “All dressing rooms are just small cubes of vulnerability with mirrors to help multiply the shame. The.”

— Jenny Lawson

234. “As the doctor walked me out he told me to “stop worrying so much” because it’s possible that some of the rash actually is hives caused by nerves, and I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world finally found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and that the prescription is “Just stop worrying so much.” My God, we’ve come so far with science.”

— Jenny Lawson

235. “Mentally ill. It’s a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly. It keeps me warm when people look at me as if I’ve lost my mind. I haven’t. I’m mentally ill. There is a difference. At least to me there is. I.”

— Jenny Lawson

236. “Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he’d eaten a necklace.”

— Jenny Lawson

237. “DAY 2: Start intentionally breaking things so you have a reason not to wrap and pack them.”

— Jenny Lawson

238. “Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though.”

— Jenny Lawson

239. “I pay bills when the paper they’re printed on turns pink or gets threatening, and if my debit card is still accepted then I feel like I’m winning.”

— Jenny Lawson

240. “If I cannot see the moon, I’ll make my own.”

— Jenny Lawson

241. “This is the same reason I listen to a lot of uber-conservative Republican radio. Because I want to know what is on the minds of my enemies.”

— Jenny Lawson

242. “I started creeping around the house on my knees, because I thought maybe I could get under the sound waves of my drugged-out friends, who were now freaked out at the revelation that no one could ever see their faces in real life because “mirrors couldn’t be trusted.”

— Jenny Lawson

243. “You’ve overthought this. Well, I have an anxiety disorder. This is what it’s like in my head all the time.”

— Jenny Lawson

244. “Maile nodded. “I should do a live webcam of my uterus and call it What’s Up Maile?” I wasn’t sure it would play on prime time but it’d probably be more redeeming than the Kardashians.”

— Jenny Lawson

245. “I walked back into the studio pretending to be someone who was amazing at reading her own story. I finished an entire paragraph without interruption. Then I looked up and the producer stared at me and said, “I don’t know what you just did, but keep doing it.” And I said, “I just did a lot of cocaine,” and she looked a bit aghast and so I said, “No, I’m just kidding. I just got some really good advice from a friend.”

— Jenny Lawson

246. “I’m not going to say I told you so” is pretty much the same thing as saying “I told you so.” Except worse because you’re saying “I told you so” and congratulating yourself for your restraint in not saying what you totally just said.”

— Jenny Lawson

247. “They may have all had suitcases three times as big as mine, but I realized that the emotional baggage I’d brought with me was big enough to put theirs to shame. It was a little lighter, though, now that I was leaving.”

— Jenny Lawson

248. “I’m not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands.”

— Jenny Lawson

249. “I don’t have any pictures of the lovely Aboriginal people I met because they think it traps their spirit, and if they’re correct then Facebook is basically creating a living hell. Which is really not that surprising, now that I say it out loud.”

— Jenny Lawson

250. “Sometimes you have to force yourself to leave your house even though every introverted bone in your body wants to secede and make you into a human jellyfish.”

— Jenny Lawson