Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “People assume that because I’m a girl and my blog is hot pink that my readership is 90% women, but it’s not. It’s probably only about 65%. When I do tours, it’s pretty much the same thing: it’s about one-third guys.”

— Jenny Lawson

202. “Five vans of chicks took off to visit wineries for wine tasting. Only four came back.1.”

— Jenny Lawson

203. “The lesson here is that sometimes you get brought in for an interview just to settle a bet.”

— Jenny Lawson

204. “I want my pockets to be like a TARDIS, or Mary Poppins’s carpetbag.”

— Jenny Lawson

205. “Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting.”

— Jenny Lawson

206. “This book is less a sequel to my last one and more a collection of bizarre essays and conversations and confused thoughts stuck together by spilled boxed wine and the frustrated tears of baffled editors who have no choice but to accept my belief that it’s perfectly acceptable to make up something if you need a word that doesn’t already exist, and that punctuation is really more of a suggestion than a law.”

— Jenny Lawson

207. “There are few things in the world that make me angrier than poverty, the lack of basic human civil rights, and the fact that most women’s clothes don’t have pockets.”

— Jenny Lawson

208. “It’s called “concoctulary,”2 y’all.”

— Jenny Lawson

209. “People almost never look as bad on the outside as I do on the inside, but that’s sort of nice because it reminds me that even when I’m having a bad hair day my ponytail is still more aesthetically pleasing than Gwyneth Paltrow’s bile duct.”

— Jenny Lawson

210. “When I look at my life I see high-water marks of happiness and I see the lower places where I had to convince myself that suicide wasn’t an answer. And in between I see my life. I see that the sadness and tragedy in my life made the euphoria and delicious ecstasy that much more sweet. I see that stretching out my soul to feel every inch of horrific depression gave me more room to grow and enjoy the beauty of life that others might not ever appreciate.”

— Jenny Lawson

211. “Kids don’t use paper book covers anymore. Why is that? They’re missing out on the best part of school, which is doodling genitals and curse words and hiding them in flowery vines.”

— Jenny Lawson

212. “Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn’t have made power tools so awesome.”

— Jenny Lawson

213. “When I wake up in the morning I often find messages left to me on my phone. Then I read the messages and I suspect that I’m being stalked by a madwoman. And I am. That madwoman is me. The calls are coming from inside the house. Some.”

— Jenny Lawson

214. “Nonetheless, there’s a reason that dust and life go together naturally. Sometimes it comes together in the most perfect way to make the very building blocks of life. Sometimes it sweeps in and makes everything seem hazy and dark. Sometimes it gets in my amaretto and then I have to pour a new glass, but mainly that’s cat’s fur, which is not really the same thing.”

— Jenny Lawson

215. “Even the ugliest person’s cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel’s lower intestine.′ I’d put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.”

— Jenny Lawson

216. “Most people don’t have poisonous tap water in their house.”

— Jenny Lawson

217. “Just cheer up” is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

218. “I spent last night cleaning up nine-year-old vomit. The vomit of a nine-year-old, that is. Not vomit that’s nine years old. I’m not that bad at housekeeping.”

— Jenny Lawson

219. “Whenever Hailey tells me kids at school were mean to her I want to go find those kids and tell them that I’m them from the future and that they’ve failed miserably. And then I’d be like, “And look how fat you got.”

— Jenny Lawson

220. “Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we’re probably delicious.”

— Jenny Lawson

221. “I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I’d never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way.”

— Jenny Lawson

222. “When I got older I found out “gyp” is a derogatory term for “Gypsy” so I nipped that in the bud. But the best replacement the dictionary offered was “flimflam” and it just sounds ridiculous to say, “Your dessert is bigger. I feel flimflammed.” No one is taking that complaint seriously. Instead I just end up feeling bitter about pie and saying nothing.”

— Jenny Lawson

223. “Sometimes when I’m staying in thin-walled hotel rooms I’ll open up my laptop and play TV murder scenes really loudly to see if anyone ever calls the police to report a murder. No one ever does though. It’s like people just don’t care anymore.”

— Jenny Lawson

224. “Everyone has human heads in their closet. Sometimes the heads are secrets, or unsaid confessions, or quiet fears. This book is one of those severed heads.”

— Jenny Lawson

225. “Victor claims these kinds of things don’t go on in normal households, but I’m pretty sure this entire incident could be blamed on the fact that I have several real-life sleep disorders. This is not too surprising considering I collect neurological disorders like other people collect comic books.”

— Jenny Lawson

226. “All dressing rooms are just small cubes of vulnerability with mirrors to help multiply the shame. The.”

— Jenny Lawson

227. “As the doctor walked me out he told me to “stop worrying so much” because it’s possible that some of the rash actually is hives caused by nerves, and I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world finally found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and that the prescription is “Just stop worrying so much.” My God, we’ve come so far with science.”

— Jenny Lawson

228. “Mentally ill. It’s a phrase that once scared me, but now I wear it like an old jacket, comfortable but ugly. It keeps me warm when people look at me as if I’ve lost my mind. I haven’t. I’m mentally ill. There is a difference. At least to me there is. I.”

— Jenny Lawson

229. “Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he’d eaten a necklace.”

— Jenny Lawson

230. “DAY 2: Start intentionally breaking things so you have a reason not to wrap and pack them.”

— Jenny Lawson

231. “Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though.”

— Jenny Lawson

232. “As it is with all stories, fast cars, wild bears, mental illness, and even life, only one truth remains: your mileage may vary.”

— Jenny Lawson

233. “If I cannot see the moon, I’ll make my own.”

— Jenny Lawson

234. “This is the same reason I listen to a lot of uber-conservative Republican radio. Because I want to know what is on the minds of my enemies.”

— Jenny Lawson

235. “I started creeping around the house on my knees, because I thought maybe I could get under the sound waves of my drugged-out friends, who were now freaked out at the revelation that no one could ever see their faces in real life because “mirrors couldn’t be trusted.”

— Jenny Lawson

236. “You’ve overthought this. Well, I have an anxiety disorder. This is what it’s like in my head all the time.”

— Jenny Lawson

237. “I walked back into the studio pretending to be someone who was amazing at reading her own story. I finished an entire paragraph without interruption. Then I looked up and the producer stared at me and said, “I don’t know what you just did, but keep doing it.” And I said, “I just did a lot of cocaine,” and she looked a bit aghast and so I said, “No, I’m just kidding. I just got some really good advice from a friend.”

— Jenny Lawson

238. “Victor kept telling me to breathe, and I told him that I already knew how to breathe and why do people even say that because it’s not like people just forget to breathe. He.”

— Jenny Lawson

239. “I’m not going to say I told you so” is pretty much the same thing as saying “I told you so.” Except worse because you’re saying “I told you so” and congratulating yourself for your restraint in not saying what you totally just said.”

— Jenny Lawson

240. “They may have all had suitcases three times as big as mine, but I realized that the emotional baggage I’d brought with me was big enough to put theirs to shame. It was a little lighter, though, now that I was leaving.”

— Jenny Lawson

241. “I’m not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands.”

— Jenny Lawson

242. “I don’t have any pictures of the lovely Aboriginal people I met because they think it traps their spirit, and if they’re correct then Facebook is basically creating a living hell. Which is really not that surprising, now that I say it out loud.”

— Jenny Lawson

243. “Sometimes you have to force yourself to leave your house even though every introverted bone in your body wants to secede and make you into a human jellyfish.”

— Jenny Lawson

244. “I’d like political candidates to present their prep plans for the zombie apocalypse, or for the robot revolution, or for when the Internet becomes self-aware, because at least then the debates would be more interesting.”

— Jenny Lawson

245. “Imagine having a disease so overwhelming that your mind causes you to want to murder yourself. Imagine having a malignant disorder that no one understands. Imagine having a dangerous affliction that even you can’t control or suppress. Imagine.”

— Jenny Lawson

246. “Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS.”

— Jenny Lawson

247. “I have learned that every person in the world is on the spectrum of mental illness. Many people barely register on the scale, while others have far more than they could be expected to handle.”

— Jenny Lawson

248. “I pay bills when the paper they’re printed on turns pink or gets threatening, and if my debit card is still accepted then I feel like I’m winning.”

— Jenny Lawson

249. “It’ll be like when your parents give you the biggest present at Christmas but you unwrap it and there’s a smaller present inside and that keeps happening until you have a mountain o wrapping paper, some new socks, and a lot of unresolved anger.”

— Jenny Lawson

250. “I had always wanted to go on the Orient Express, but that I’d sort of consider it a wasted opportunity if a murder didn’t happen. It’s not that I’m particularly bloodthirsty, it’s just that I have standards.”

— Jenny Lawson