Top 300 Jenny Lawson Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “It’s called “concoctulary,”2 y’all.”

— Jenny Lawson

202. “People assume that because I’m a girl and my blog is hot pink that my readership is 90% women, but it’s not. It’s probably only about 65%. When I do tours, it’s pretty much the same thing: it’s about one-third guys.”

— Jenny Lawson

203. “So I’m standing there, holding a googly-eyed can of beans as it shakes and loudly farts the birthday song to me in a gas station.”

— Jenny Lawson

204. “And suddenly we realize that the things we were ashamed of are the same things everyone deals with at one time or another. We are so much less alone than we think.”

— Jenny Lawson

205. “Everyone is born with extra fingers. God expects you to cut a few off during your journey. Otherwise he wouldn’t have made power tools so awesome.”

— Jenny Lawson

206. “When I was a kid I never won anything and when I mentioned it to my mom she looked up from her book and pointed out that I had once been the youngest person in the entire world. Sure, it was only for a millisecond, but it was a record I’d set without even trying.”

— Jenny Lawson

207. “Everyone has human heads in their closet. Sometimes the heads are secrets, or unsaid confessions, or quiet fears. This book is one of those severed heads.”

— Jenny Lawson

208. “That’s the thing about my father. You never know when he’s hiding a giant surprise giraffe head from you.”

— Jenny Lawson

209. “I stood at the end of the street, catching snow in my mouth, and laughed softly to myself as I realized that without my insomnia and anxiety and pain I’d never have been awake to see the city that never sleeps asleep and blanketed up for winter. I smiled and felt silly, but in the best possible way.”

— Jenny Lawson

210. “Imagine having a disease so overwhelming that your mind causes you to want to murder yourself. Imagine having a malignant disorder that no one understands. Imagine having a dangerous affliction that even you can’t control or suppress. Imagine.”

— Jenny Lawson

211. “Five vans of chicks took off to visit wineries for wine tasting. Only four came back.1.”

— Jenny Lawson

212. “Because it was the first time in my life that I gave myself permission to be me. I was still shy and self-conscious and terrified of people, but Jenkins had essentially freed me of the bonds of having to try to fit in.”

— Jenny Lawson

213. “Things like nuclear holocaust. Or carbon monoxide poisoning. Or having to leave the house and interact with people who weren’t my mother.”

— Jenny Lawson

214. “Then I realized I hurt too much to use Twitter and that’s when I knew I was dying.”

— Jenny Lawson

215. “Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad.”

— Jenny Lawson

216. “And if you think having a gas station is not that big of a deal, then you’re probably the kind of person who grew up in a town that has a gas station, and that doesn’t encourage students to drive to school in their tractors. Wall.”

— Jenny Lawson

217. “I’m not sure I have the words to describe that moment but if there’s a word that means the exact opposite of “ladylike”, that would be a good start.”

— Jenny Lawson

218. “Daddy leaned toward us and told us rather conspiratorially that this box held our newest pet. This is the same man who once brought home a baby bobcat, let it loose in the house, and forgot to mention it because he “didn’t think it was important,” so for him to be excited I assumed the box had to contain something truly amazing, like a two-headed lizard, or a baby chupacabra. He opened the box and whispered excitedly, “Come out and meet your new owners, Pickle.”

— Jenny Lawson

219. “I rented sloths by the hour.”

— Jenny Lawson

220. “There’s something wonderful about experiencing life with friendly strangers and stranger-friends who all fit in your pocket. They celebrate your successes. They send you videos of hedgehogs in bathtubs when you are down. They tell you that you are not alone. And suddenly? You aren’t.”

— Jenny Lawson

221. “Kids don’t use paper book covers anymore. Why is that? They’re missing out on the best part of school, which is doodling genitals and curse words and hiding them in flowery vines.”

— Jenny Lawson

222. “Victor claims these kinds of things don’t go on in normal households, but I’m pretty sure this entire incident could be blamed on the fact that I have several real-life sleep disorders. This is not too surprising considering I collect neurological disorders like other people collect comic books.”

— Jenny Lawson

223. “As it is with all stories, fast cars, wild bears, mental illness, and even life, only one truth remains: your mileage may vary.”

— Jenny Lawson

224. “Even the ugliest person’s cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel’s lower intestine.′ I’d put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.”

— Jenny Lawson

225. “People almost never look as bad on the outside as I do on the inside, but that’s sort of nice because it reminds me that even when I’m having a bad hair day my ponytail is still more aesthetically pleasing than Gwyneth Paltrow’s bile duct.”

— Jenny Lawson

226. “Sometimes when I’m staying in thin-walled hotel rooms I’ll open up my laptop and play TV murder scenes really loudly to see if anyone ever calls the police to report a murder. No one ever does though. It’s like people just don’t care anymore.”

— Jenny Lawson

227. “Texas is a state that had once outlawed sodomy and fellatio, but is totally cool with men giving themselves golden showers in the name of deer hunting.”

— Jenny Lawson

228. “This is the same reason I listen to a lot of uber-conservative Republican radio. Because I want to know what is on the minds of my enemies.”

— Jenny Lawson

229. “Cannibals say that we taste like pork, and bacon is my spirit animal, so we’re probably delicious.”

— Jenny Lawson

230. “Just cheer up” is almost universally looked at as the most unhelpful depression cure ever.”

— Jenny Lawson

231. “As the doctor walked me out he told me to “stop worrying so much” because it’s possible that some of the rash actually is hives caused by nerves, and I made a note to tell my shrink the breaking news that the medical world finally found the cure for my severe anxiety disorder and that the prescription is “Just stop worrying so much.” My God, we’ve come so far with science.”

— Jenny Lawson

232. “Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he’d eaten a necklace.”

— Jenny Lawson

233. “When I wake up in the morning I often find messages left to me on my phone. Then I read the messages and I suspect that I’m being stalked by a madwoman. And I am. That madwoman is me. The calls are coming from inside the house. Some.”

— Jenny Lawson

234. “All dressing rooms are just small cubes of vulnerability with mirrors to help multiply the shame. The.”

— Jenny Lawson

235. “When I got older I found out “gyp” is a derogatory term for “Gypsy” so I nipped that in the bud. But the best replacement the dictionary offered was “flimflam” and it just sounds ridiculous to say, “Your dessert is bigger. I feel flimflammed.” No one is taking that complaint seriously. Instead I just end up feeling bitter about pie and saying nothing.”

— Jenny Lawson

236. “I have learned that every person in the world is on the spectrum of mental illness. Many people barely register on the scale, while others have far more than they could be expected to handle.”

— Jenny Lawson

237. “Whenever Hailey tells me kids at school were mean to her I want to go find those kids and tell them that I’m them from the future and that they’ve failed miserably. And then I’d be like, “And look how fat you got.”

— Jenny Lawson

238. “Most people don’t have poisonous tap water in their house.”

— Jenny Lawson

239. “This book is less a sequel to my last one and more a collection of bizarre essays and conversations and confused thoughts stuck together by spilled boxed wine and the frustrated tears of baffled editors who have no choice but to accept my belief that it’s perfectly acceptable to make up something if you need a word that doesn’t already exist, and that punctuation is really more of a suggestion than a law.”

— Jenny Lawson

240. “I started creeping around the house on my knees, because I thought maybe I could get under the sound waves of my drugged-out friends, who were now freaked out at the revelation that no one could ever see their faces in real life because “mirrors couldn’t be trusted.”

— Jenny Lawson

241. “DAY 2: Start intentionally breaking things so you have a reason not to wrap and pack them.”

— Jenny Lawson

242. “Everyone gets caught accidentally sneaking weird stuff through security sometimes though.”

— Jenny Lawson

243. “I spent last night cleaning up nine-year-old vomit. The vomit of a nine-year-old, that is. Not vomit that’s nine years old. I’m not that bad at housekeeping.”

— Jenny Lawson

244. “Victor kept telling me to breathe, and I told him that I already knew how to breathe and why do people even say that because it’s not like people just forget to breathe. He.”

— Jenny Lawson

245. “I walked back into the studio pretending to be someone who was amazing at reading her own story. I finished an entire paragraph without interruption. Then I looked up and the producer stared at me and said, “I don’t know what you just did, but keep doing it.” And I said, “I just did a lot of cocaine,” and she looked a bit aghast and so I said, “No, I’m just kidding. I just got some really good advice from a friend.”

— Jenny Lawson

246. “Maile nodded. “I should do a live webcam of my uterus and call it What’s Up Maile?” I wasn’t sure it would play on prime time but it’d probably be more redeeming than the Kardashians.”

— Jenny Lawson

247. “I’m not rewarding unrequested, lazy singers with their aggressive pudding demands.”

— Jenny Lawson

248. “I pay bills when the paper they’re printed on turns pink or gets threatening, and if my debit card is still accepted then I feel like I’m winning.”

— Jenny Lawson

249. “Laura, they rub your face off using DIAMONDS.”

— Jenny Lawson

250. “It’s how people fish when they’ve run completely out of bait, dynamite, and any common sense whatsoever. There.”

— Jenny Lawson