Top 200 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “There’s a tremendous power and energy in sharing your life with another person.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

52. “I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

53. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

54. “I love how you just make coffee and then somehow something gets done.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

55. “I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

56. “Why does McDonald’s have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

57. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

58. “The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

59. “Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

60. “All magic is ‘Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

61. “Yeah, like Bizarro Superman, Superman’s exact opposite, who lives in the backwards Bizarro world. Up is down, down is up, he says hello when he leaves, goodbye when he arrives.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

62. “Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

63. “Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

64. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

65. “I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

66. “It’s hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

67. “The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

68. “There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

69. “If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

70. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

71. “I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

72. “People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

73. “So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, ‘What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

74. “You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around 3 miles.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

75. “I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

76. “Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

77. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

78. “Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

79. “I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

80. “Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

81. “We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

82. “The biggest laugh has to come at the end.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

83. “Once you start doing only what you’ve already proven you can do, you’re on the road to death.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

84. “Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

85. “I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

86. “I admire the hell out of her. You can’t have sex with someone you admire.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

87. “Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

88. “Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can’t get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can’t even get the DETERGENT white!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

89. “Fear of success is one of the new fears I’ve heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we’re running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

90. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

91. “You’ll fold faster than Superman on laundry day.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

92. “I mean, she’s giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can’t be with someone like that.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

93. “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

94. “It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That’s what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

95. “Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

96. “I don’t wanna be a Pirate!!!!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

97. “What the hell, I’ll just eat some trash.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

98. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

99. “Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren’t for lies, there’d be no sex.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

100. “I don’t want to hear the specials. If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.”

— Jerry Seinfeld