Top 200 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I am freaking out! I am freaking out.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

102. “There’s no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It’s the greatest thing in the world.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

103. “For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity – I just don’t want to do that.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

104. “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

105. “Men want to make women happy.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

106. “When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

107. “The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

108. “A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

109. “The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

110. “There’s nothing more fun than entertaining kids.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

111. “Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

112. “Economy is essential to all good art.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

113. “A really hard laugh is like sex-one of the ultimate diversions of existence.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

114. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

115. “Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

116. “If you’ve got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn’t your biggest problem.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

117. “You can be passionate about anything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

118. “On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said – ‘Do not attempt to fly!’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

119. “Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It’s a force for good or evil. It’s no different from money. It’s power.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

120. “I’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

121. “I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that’s your answer.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

122. “If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

123. “What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

124. “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

125. “Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

126. “Nobody cares about someone like me, because they don’t know the frustration that you feel when you have the solution, but you do not have the problem.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

127. “Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

128. “Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, “Oh, man, I can’t wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff.””

— Jerry Seinfeld

129. “Golf is the ultimate avoidance activity for the dysfunctional dad. A game so nonsensically difficult, so pointless, so irrationally time consuming, the word golf itself can only stand for ‘Get Out, Leave Family.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

130. “Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

131. “I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

132. “See, the thing of it is, there’s a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don’t know they’re ugly because nobody actually tells them.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

133. “People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

134. “I love the day date. No wine, no shower.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

135. “I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn’t want to talk to I could just go, “Excuse me, I’m not here right now, If you just leave a message, I can walk away.””

— Jerry Seinfeld

136. “Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

137. “People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: “Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?””

— Jerry Seinfeld

138. “Everybody in New York City knows there’s way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

139. “If someone’s lying, are their pants really on fire.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

140. “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

141. “The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

142. “I didn’t know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it’s a musical.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

143. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

144. “Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going “Quit it.””

— Jerry Seinfeld

145. “I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

146. “That’s why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

147. “A movie is kind of like being the captain of a ship, which is nice, but when I perform by myself it’s just surfing on the water and nobody really knows what happens.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

148. “There’s no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

149. “Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

150. “I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld