Top 200 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “The best revenge is living well.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

2. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

3. “Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

4. “See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

5. “The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That’s marriage, it’s kids, it’s work, it’s exercise. Find the torture you’re comfortable with and you’ll do well. You’ve mastered that, you’ve mastered life.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

6. “Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they’re the worst.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

7. “Your blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

8. “These pretzels are making me thirsty!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

9. “Having fun is a very particular skill. And not everyone has that skill.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Fun Quotes

10. “There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

11. “If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

12. “To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

13. “If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

14. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Book Quotes, Reading Quotes

15. “Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, who’s responsible for this?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

16. “Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Fun Quotes

17. “If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they’re going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

18. “There’s more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

19. “I have a problem with that silver medal. It’s like, ‘Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

20. “What’s the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don’t they call it Roundtine?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

21. “You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

22. “Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

23. “I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

24. “You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

25. “Writer’s block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

26. “I love advertising because I love lying.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

27. “Ask not what I can do for you. Ask what you can do for me.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

28. “Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

29. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

30. “I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you’re probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Fun Quotes

31. “Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

32. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

33. “People don’t think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

Featured in: Coffee Quotes

34. “People don’t just bump into each other and have sex. This isn’t Cinemax.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

35. “What I don’t understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

36. “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

37. “I am speechless: I have no speech.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

38. “I don’t return fruit. Fruit’s a gamble. I know that going in.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

39. “The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

40. “I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, ‘Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

41. “I hate the waiting room. Because it’s called the waiting room, there’s no chance of not waiting. It’s built, designed, and intended for waiting. Why would they take you right away when they’ve got this room all set up?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

42. “I can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

43. “When you interrupt, you’ve stopped listening. People need to be heard.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

44. “Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

45. “Let’s examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it’s amazing. He can’t believe that you’ve accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. “He’s back again! It’s that guy! It’s that guy!””

— Jerry Seinfeld

46. “I’m old, I’m rich and I’m tired.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

47. “Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

48. “I’ll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they’re hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork. They’re staying with the sticks.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

49. “What’s the point of dating without games? How do you know if you’re winning or losing?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

50. “I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.”

— Jerry Seinfeld