Top 200 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‘I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.’”

— Jerry Seinfeld

152. “This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

153. “Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

154. “The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

155. “Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

156. “You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

157. “Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

158. “Why would anybody want a friend?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

159. “I wrote an article on a new Porsche for ‘Automobile Magazine.’ I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I’m more proud of that than anything.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

160. “My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what’s surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don’t know how she learned this.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

161. “I see TV ads about detergents that can get blood stains out of your cloths. I say if you have blood stains on your cloths you should be thinking about something other than laundry.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

162. “The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There’s nothing above that. Nothing above it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

163. “I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

164. “If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

165. “You know how your charger for your phone? It’s like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

166. “If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

167. “All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

168. “I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they’re doing. People don’t look at me. They don’t even know I’m there.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

169. “Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

170. “Festivus for the Restivus!”

— Jerry Seinfeld

171. “When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

172. “I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

173. “The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?””

— Jerry Seinfeld

174. “I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

175. “The big advantage of a book is that it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

176. “After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

177. “I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

178. “Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

179. “Let’s face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

180. “Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

181. “What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they’re trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

182. “If you’re a surfer, you just want to surf. You don’t know if anyone’s going to see you, and you don’t really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

183. “Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

184. “Can’t you at least die with a little dignity?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

185. “Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

186. “The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you’re playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you’re single, you’re just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

187. “I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

188. “Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

189. “You don’t even really need a place. But you feel like you’re doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

190. “Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?”

— Jerry Seinfeld

191. “And that’s when I realized, when you’re a kid you don’t need a costume, you ARE superman.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

192. “I can’t eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

193. “The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you’re into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

194. “Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

195. “Fatherhood makes you cute. Women find bumbling fathers cute and attractive.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

196. “You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

197. “Having done quite a bit with studios and networks, I thought if I’m going to do something new and unformed, it would be fun to do it in a completely new space and place. The space being the Internet and the place being Crackle.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

198. “There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

199. “I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I’m crass, but not that crass.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

200. “I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son.”

— Jerry Seinfeld