Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “During December we are all ingesting, imbibing, and spending with a reckless abandon like a bachelor party on a guilt-free boondoggle. Everyone has the unspoken agreement that what happens in December stays in December.”

— Jim Gaffigan

52. “I’ve been outed as a Christian.”

— Jim Gaffigan

53. “I would say my return to my faith is – it’s a very personal thing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

54. “In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.”

— Jim Gaffigan

55. “Organic is probably the biggest scam of the century. For those of you unfamiliar with it, organic is a grocery term for “more expensive.”

— Jim Gaffigan

56. “Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.”

— Jim Gaffigan

57. “What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?”

— Jim Gaffigan

58. “Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.”

— Jim Gaffigan

59. “You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, “Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.””

— Jim Gaffigan

60. “What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? “Well, we ain’t rich folk, but on special occasions, I’ll break out the ketchup. Grandma’s birthday, make her feel special””

— Jim Gaffigan

61. “You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.”

— Jim Gaffigan

62. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”

— Jim Gaffigan

63. “You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.”

— Jim Gaffigan

64. “It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people’s expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don’t want to just be on a show to be on a show.”

— Jim Gaffigan

65. “The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.”

— Jim Gaffigan

66. “I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? “You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins.” “You sure?” “Trust me. Just do it son!””

— Jim Gaffigan

67. “Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich – dirty.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

68. “I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

69. “I like bowling. It’s just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, “The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.””

— Jim Gaffigan

70. “But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

71. “Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? “Hi. It’s me again. I forgot to tell you that I’m going to kill you. Because I’m the freak who keeps calling and calling.””

— Jim Gaffigan

72. “My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.”

— Jim Gaffigan

73. “Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It’s like, “Take that, Lipitor.””

— Jim Gaffigan

74. “Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.”

— Jim Gaffigan

75. “My wife always asks me why I don’t make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.”

— Jim Gaffigan

76. “Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’”

— Jim Gaffigan

77. “It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like “WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?””

— Jim Gaffigan

78. “I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.”

— Jim Gaffigan

79. “One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.”

— Jim Gaffigan

80. “If you’re a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who’s just relaxing after he strangled a family. “Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill.””

— Jim Gaffigan

81. “Every now and then I’ll read a book, I’ll be so proud of myself, I’ll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, “Hey Jim, how ya do-” “I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!” “That’s great, what was it about?” “No idea! Took me three years!””

— Jim Gaffigan

82. “I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.”

— Jim Gaffigan

83. “Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?”

— Jim Gaffigan

84. “I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don’t they just call that one the female?”

— Jim Gaffigan

85. “I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.”

— Jim Gaffigan

86. “You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, “Hey, how’s that book?” “I haven’t read it.” “Oh, did you just buy it?” “I’ve had it since high school.” “Well, can I borrow it?” “No.””

— Jim Gaffigan

87. “We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’”

— Jim Gaffigan

88. “As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.”

— Jim Gaffigan

89. “Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote “these are WMD’s” on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

90. “You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He’d be like, easy, freak.”

— Jim Gaffigan

91. “It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus?”

— Jim Gaffigan

92. “I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

93. “I went to a Catholic University and there’s something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick’s Day is, I’m Irish-Catholic. There’s alcoholism in my family. It’s like I’ve got to be Catholic, right?”

— Jim Gaffigan

94. “There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.”

— Jim Gaffigan

95. “Wouldn’t it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone’s sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, “That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he’s Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!””

— Jim Gaffigan

96. “I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.”

— Jim Gaffigan

97. “Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they’ve learned during the rest of the year. They don’t go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.”

— Jim Gaffigan

98. “You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don’t even read it! “Hey I got a – who cares.””

— Jim Gaffigan

99. “I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.”

— Jim Gaffigan

100. “Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.”

— Jim Gaffigan