Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2026 Update)
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251. “Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.”

— Jim Gaffigan

252. “I’d have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it’s for losers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

253. “In the end, that’s what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you’ve never been. “Why don’t we eat something, then we’ll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we’re supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat.”

— Jim Gaffigan

254. “I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.”

— Jim Gaffigan

255. “I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and – you know, and now we’re going in there every other day baptizing a kid.”

— Jim Gaffigan

256. “I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There’s nothing planned about this.”

— Jim Gaffigan

257. “Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it’s never enough. I think that’s true. It’s hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It’s something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.”

— Jim Gaffigan

258. “Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.”

— Jim Gaffigan

259. “I would say I’m – in the show, I’m a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.”

— Jim Gaffigan

260. “I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I’m from in Indiana they called it breakfast.”

— Jim Gaffigan

261. “People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I’m grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there’s not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

262. “I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless.”

— Jim Gaffigan

263. “When Marre was two, I was in line at a crowded New York City grocery store, and I gave her a sippy cup of juice in a futile attempt to stop a meltdown. She bellowed at the top of her lungs, “I don’t like jews!” Thank God, we live in New York City and my family looks like Hitler’s fantasy. Otherwise, that would’ve been pretty awkward. Jeannie.”

— Jim Gaffigan

264. “As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they’re like, ‘It’s unbelievable how clean,’ ‘He’s the cleanest person in the world.’ And then I’ll do shows and people will be like, ‘You’re supposed to be so clean, but you’re talking about cancer.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

265. “I don’t want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that’s based around my comedy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

266. “Note: If you met your wife while she was married to another man, history is bound to repeat itself.”

— Jim Gaffigan

267. “I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it’s not like I was obsessed with food growing up.”

— Jim Gaffigan

268. “I don’t want you to think I don’t love my extended family. I do. I just don’t want to be around them. Some of this is because I’m a loner. Some of this is because at family gatherings you are forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a clinically insane person.”

— Jim Gaffigan

269. “Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.”

— Jim Gaffigan

270. “Ugh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. Hmm, I don’t even like this cheese. I guess I’ll finish it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

271. “Babies and toddlers are mostly what I’ve been exposed to at this point. I’m hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?”

— Jim Gaffigan

272. “I don’t know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a “double negative.”

— Jim Gaffigan

273. “I’m convinced that anyone who doesn’t like Mexican food is a psychopath.”

— Jim Gaffigan

274. “Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if your baby wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.”

— Jim Gaffigan

275. “What I especially love about Kmart is the ambience. I always feel like I’ve entered a store that was just attacked by a flash mob. Everything always looks and feels a little disheveled.”

— Jim Gaffigan

276. “When I was ten years old I was actually given McDonald’s gift certificates for Christmas by my mom. Yes, my own mother. I guess she couldn’t find gift certificates for a vending machine. I like to think it was her way of saying, “Merry Christmas. Here are some coupons for poison.” McDonald’s introduced the gift certificate prior to the obesity epidemic. I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.”

— Jim Gaffigan

277. “Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy. Men spend their whole lives being active. We evolved as hunters. “Me get job, me get girl, me get girl pregnant. Now me shut mouth and wait for girl to tell me what to do.” As expectant fathers, we become silent spectators. Passive participants in a series of external events over which we have zero control.”

— Jim Gaffigan

278. “I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in twelve years.”

— Jim Gaffigan

279. “I love the phrase “I have a sweet tooth.” I always want to say, “You’re ordering it for your tooth? That’s interesting, because it’s going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.”

— Jim Gaffigan

280. “Instead of food giving me energy, I am always tired after I eat, which explains why I am always tired. I go to the gym just so I will stop eating for an hour, which, I believe, is the American form of fasting.”

— Jim Gaffigan

281. “It’s McDonald’s of the soul: momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer.”

— Jim Gaffigan

282. “If steak is the tuxedo of meat, and bacon is the candy of meat, then a good cheeseburger is the mother’s hug of meat.”

— Jim Gaffigan

283. “You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is in labor.”

— Jim Gaffigan

284. “There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.”

— Jim Gaffigan

285. “I think everyone is aware how disgusting snails are, and that’s why they are served in a bowl of wine and butter and called “escargots,” which is a French word loosely translated as “denial.”

— Jim Gaffigan

286. “If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.”

— Jim Gaffigan

287. “I’m a fan of relaxing, and when i get tired of relaxing I like to do nothing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

288. “I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive, because there’s nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and being like, “Uh, yeah, hi, uh, I’m too white. Do you have a shovel back there?”

— Jim Gaffigan

289. “It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer – that’s the food we eat before we have our food. No, no, you’re thinking of dessert – that’s food we have after we have our food. We eat tons of food. Sometimes there’s so much we just stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then we throw it out the next day. Maybe give it to the dog.”

— Jim Gaffigan

290. “If you ever mention something fun that you are going to do with your young children, and there is any time that will elapse between the very moment you bring it up and when you are actually doing the fun thing, you will be batraged with questions during that entire time period. If you tell them that you might go to Disney at some point in the coming year, you have opened a Pandora’s box.”

— Jim Gaffigan

291. “Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, “Uh, we don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.”

— Jim Gaffigan

292. “The pig is converting a tasteless piece of fruit, essentially garbage, into one of the most delicious foods known to man. The pig has to be one of the most successful recycling programs ever. When you think about it, that is more impressive than anything Steve Jobs did.”

— Jim Gaffigan

293. “If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.”

— Jim Gaffigan

294. “Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent.”

— Jim Gaffigan

295. “In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. ‘Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.”

— Jim Gaffigan

296. “When I hear homestyle, I always think of some guy in his underwear standing next to a microwave. “You want me to nuke a hot dog for ya? I got some old Chinese in the fridge, but I think it’s my roommate’s.”

— Jim Gaffigan

297. “All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!”

— Jim Gaffigan

298. “Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

— Jim Gaffigan

299. “If you’ve never been to a Catholic Mass, don’t worry, it’s still going on, you still have time to catch it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

300. “I’m happily married, but supposedly the grocery store is a great place for singles to meet. I’m not sure how this works. “I see you got the Charmin there in your cart. It really is more absorbent. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”

— Jim Gaffigan