Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There’s nothing planned about this.”

— Jim Gaffigan

252. “I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and – you know, and now we’re going in there every other day baptizing a kid.”

— Jim Gaffigan

253. “I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I’m from in Indiana they called it breakfast.”

— Jim Gaffigan

254. “You didn’t question – kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you know, you would work for 40 years. And then you would play golf for three years, and then you would die. That was how I was raised.”

— Jim Gaffigan

255. “I was the youngest of the six kids, and to make my older siblings laugh, that was very important. I did a great impression of our dad that made them all laugh, so that gave me a lot of power within the family.”

— Jim Gaffigan

256. “I’d have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it’s for losers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

257. “I would say I’m – in the show, I’m a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.”

— Jim Gaffigan

258. “Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it’s never enough. I think that’s true. It’s hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It’s something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.”

— Jim Gaffigan

259. “As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they’re like, ‘It’s unbelievable how clean,’ ‘He’s the cleanest person in the world.’ And then I’ll do shows and people will be like, ‘You’re supposed to be so clean, but you’re talking about cancer.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

260. “I don’t want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that’s based around my comedy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

261. “People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I’m grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there’s not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

262. “I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it’s not like I was obsessed with food growing up.”

— Jim Gaffigan

263. “Babies and toddlers are mostly what I’ve been exposed to at this point. I’m hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?”

— Jim Gaffigan

264. “Now that I am a father myself, I know that powerlessness is the defining characteristic of fatherhood. This begins with the pregnancy. Men spend their whole lives being active. We evolved as hunters. “Me get job, me get girl, me get girl pregnant. Now me shut mouth and wait for girl to tell me what to do.” As expectant fathers, we become silent spectators. Passive participants in a series of external events over which we have zero control.”

— Jim Gaffigan

265. “Note: If you met your wife while she was married to another man, history is bound to repeat itself.”

— Jim Gaffigan

266. “I’m convinced that anyone who doesn’t like Mexican food is a psychopath.”

— Jim Gaffigan

267. “In Wisconsin they have deep-fried cheese curds, which taste like French fries and heaven had a baby.”

— Jim Gaffigan

268. “I treat my body like a temple. A temple of doom, but a temple nonetheless.”

— Jim Gaffigan

269. “I can’t stop eating. I can’t. I haven’t been hungry in twelve years.”

— Jim Gaffigan

270. “I don’t want you to think I don’t love my extended family. I do. I just don’t want to be around them. Some of this is because I’m a loner. Some of this is because at family gatherings you are forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a clinically insane person.”

— Jim Gaffigan

271. “I don’t know much about grammar, but I think kale salad is what they call a “double negative.”

— Jim Gaffigan

272. “I think everyone is aware how disgusting snails are, and that’s why they are served in a bowl of wine and butter and called “escargots,” which is a French word loosely translated as “denial.”

— Jim Gaffigan

273. “If you’ve never been to a Catholic Mass, don’t worry, it’s still going on, you still have time to catch it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

274. “Overweight people have chosen food over appearance. When a fat person talks about a great place to get a burger, I lean in. They know.”

— Jim Gaffigan

275. “Nobody believes in racial profiling until they get a red-haired sushi chef with a southern accent.”

— Jim Gaffigan

276. “There are people who eat only organic food, and then there are people who don’t have tons of money to waste.”

— Jim Gaffigan

277. “Being a parent is a selfless adventure. The worldview of “Take care of yourself first” is no longer logical to a sane person if your baby wakes up hungry in the middle of the night.”

— Jim Gaffigan

278. “Ugh, I’m so full. I guess I’ll have some cheese. Hmm, I don’t even like this cheese. I guess I’ll finish it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

279. “When I hear homestyle, I always think of some guy in his underwear standing next to a microwave. “You want me to nuke a hot dog for ya? I got some old Chinese in the fridge, but I think it’s my roommate’s.”

— Jim Gaffigan

280. “If steak is the tuxedo of meat, and bacon is the candy of meat, then a good cheeseburger is the mother’s hug of meat.”

— Jim Gaffigan

281. “In the end, that’s what most vacations are. Just you eating in a place you’ve never been. “Why don’t we eat something, then we’ll go get something to eat? Then we should see that thing we’re supposed to see; they probably have a snack bar, so we can get something to eat. But after that, we definitely gotta go out and get something to eat.”

— Jim Gaffigan

282. “What I especially love about Kmart is the ambience. I always feel like I’ve entered a store that was just attacked by a flash mob. Everything always looks and feels a little disheveled.”

— Jim Gaffigan

283. “If aliens studied Earth, they would come to the conclusion that the United States is somehow consuming food on behalf of other countries.”

— Jim Gaffigan

284. “Has peeling an orange ever really been worth it?”

— Jim Gaffigan

285. “I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan Salt Artisanal Saltines and cost ten dollars a cracker.”

— Jim Gaffigan

286. “Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. “What am I, a pioneer?”

— Jim Gaffigan

287. “In America we have gone way beyond sustenance. Eating is an activity. ‘Why don’t we get lunch, and then we’ll grab some pizza.”

— Jim Gaffigan

288. “When I was ten years old I was actually given McDonald’s gift certificates for Christmas by my mom. Yes, my own mother. I guess she couldn’t find gift certificates for a vending machine. I like to think it was her way of saying, “Merry Christmas. Here are some coupons for poison.” McDonald’s introduced the gift certificate prior to the obesity epidemic. I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.”

— Jim Gaffigan

289. “I love the phrase “I have a sweet tooth.” I always want to say, “You’re ordering it for your tooth? That’s interesting, because it’s going straight to your butt. I think your butt owed your tooth an explanation.”

— Jim Gaffigan

290. “I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair. There.”

— Jim Gaffigan

291. “I prefer the Chinese restaurants that have the silverware on the table when you arrive, because there’s nothing more humiliating than starting with chopsticks and having to turn to the waiter and being like, “Uh, yeah, hi, uh, I’m too white. Do you have a shovel back there?”

— Jim Gaffigan

292. “The pig is converting a tasteless piece of fruit, essentially garbage, into one of the most delicious foods known to man. The pig has to be one of the most successful recycling programs ever. When you think about it, that is more impressive than anything Steve Jobs did.”

— Jim Gaffigan

293. “When Marre was two, I was in line at a crowded New York City grocery store, and I gave her a sippy cup of juice in a futile attempt to stop a meltdown. She bellowed at the top of her lungs, “I don’t like jews!” Thank God, we live in New York City and my family looks like Hitler’s fantasy. Otherwise, that would’ve been pretty awkward. Jeannie.”

— Jim Gaffigan

294. “There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution.”

— Jim Gaffigan

295. “Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, “Uh, we don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.”

— Jim Gaffigan

296. “Instead of food giving me energy, I am always tired after I eat, which explains why I am always tired. I go to the gym just so I will stop eating for an hour, which, I believe, is the American form of fasting.”

— Jim Gaffigan

297. “It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer – that’s the food we eat before we have our food. No, no, you’re thinking of dessert – that’s food we have after we have our food. We eat tons of food. Sometimes there’s so much we just stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then we throw it out the next day. Maybe give it to the dog.”

— Jim Gaffigan

298. “Even in the ’70s and ’80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of “cool.” The cool character on Happy Days was “the Fonz,” and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men’s bathroom. That’s not only not cool, that’s not even sanitary.”

— Jim Gaffigan

299. “It’s McDonald’s of the soul: momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer.”

— Jim Gaffigan

300. “I’m a fan of relaxing, and when i get tired of relaxing I like to do nothing.”

— Jim Gaffigan