Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

102. “I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend’s name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.”

— Jim Gaffigan

103. “If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.”

— Jim Gaffigan

104. “After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!”

— Jim Gaffigan

105. “I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ’successful.”

— Jim Gaffigan

106. “I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.”

— Jim Gaffigan

107. “I’m a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that’s the only thing I know. I don’t know anything else.”

— Jim Gaffigan

108. “The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it’s – for me, it’s like – I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?”

— Jim Gaffigan

109. “It’s amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? Has someone been kidnapped?’”

— Jim Gaffigan

110. “If you’ve never had the chance to visit a Waffle House, simply imagine a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.”

— Jim Gaffigan

111. “If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.”

— Jim Gaffigan

112. “I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.”

— Jim Gaffigan

113. “Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.”

— Jim Gaffigan

114. “What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

115. “I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.”

— Jim Gaffigan

116. “I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late ’90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn’t do some of the more explicit jokes.”

— Jim Gaffigan

117. “The Thanksgiving tradition is, we gorge. Hey, what about at Thanksgiving we simply consume a considerable measure? However we do that consistently! Goodness. Imagine a scenario where we consume a ton with individuals who pester the heck out of us.”

— Jim Gaffigan

118. “I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.”

— Jim Gaffigan

119. “It’s not as if ten years ago, we were like, ‘I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

120. “I’m a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.”

— Jim Gaffigan

121. “I don’t know if I’m the husky guy, but I’m the sexy guy who’s a good kisser .”

— Jim Gaffigan

122. “That’s why when I send a postcard I quiz people. “Hey, did you get that postcard?” “Yeah, yeah yeah.” “Well what’d I say?” “Uh, you were havin-” “I was in jail””

— Jim Gaffigan

123. “I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.”

— Jim Gaffigan

124. “The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.”

— Jim Gaffigan

125. “I love stand-up comedians. I really do.”

— Jim Gaffigan

126. “I’m much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.”

— Jim Gaffigan

127. “How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.””

— Jim Gaffigan

128. “The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.”

— Jim Gaffigan

129. “Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?”

— Jim Gaffigan

130. “I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren’t done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

131. “They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you’re taking from his personal stash. “Looks like my kids aren’t having ketchup tonight.””

— Jim Gaffigan

132. “I’ve been doing stand-up for so long, I think 19 years, that I love topics I can also expand on. Once I identify a topic like, say, seafood, which is a big one right now, it’s like there are different kinds of tangents I can go on to build a larger chunk.”

— Jim Gaffigan

133. “Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it’s all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.”

— Jim Gaffigan

134. “I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they’d say, “Who’s there? Who’s there?” So people that were from Indiana were the people that said “Who’s there?” But what do I know? I don’t read or interact with people outside the Internet.”

— Jim Gaffigan

135. “It’s kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.”

— Jim Gaffigan

136. “I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.”

— Jim Gaffigan

137. “I think stand-up comedy is this – it’s this kind of indulgence and narcissism.”

— Jim Gaffigan

138. “Don’t take this the wrong way but I care more and I’m a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.”

— Jim Gaffigan

139. “When I started stand-up – and this is in the ’90s – there was definitely people hadn’t watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

140. “I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.”

— Jim Gaffigan

141. “A lot of people are like, “You’re doing commercials?” And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It’s hard work, and I’m paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.”

— Jim Gaffigan

142. “No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.”

— Jim Gaffigan

143. “In Indiana, I wasn’t anything special. But in New York, I’ve gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I’m exotic!”

— Jim Gaffigan

144. “I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it’s pretty sincere.”

— Jim Gaffigan

145. “My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.”

— Jim Gaffigan

146. “There has been this belief among the Catholic community – and this – I’m no expert, this is my opinion – that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.”

— Jim Gaffigan

147. “The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

148. “I don’t want to get involved in the culture war. Religion’s iffy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

149. “Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.”

— Jim Gaffigan

150. “You can never find the right bowling ball. This one’s too heavy. This one’s good but its pink!”

— Jim Gaffigan