Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
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Jim Gaffigan Quote: “You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is in labor.”

301. “You want to be there for emotional support, yet everything you say or do ends up irritating the mother-to-be while she is in labor.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Hot dogs are like strippers, really. Nobody wants to know the backstory. We don’t want to think about how they came to be in their present form of employment. “Well, when I was twelve, my stepfather... ” “Not interested! Put some mustard on that.”

302. “Hot dogs are like strippers, really. Nobody wants to know the backstory. We don’t want to think about how they came to be in their present form of employment. “Well, when I was twelve, my stepfather... ” “Not interested! Put some mustard on that.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I’m happily married, but supposedly the grocery store is a great place for singles to meet. I’m not sure how this works. “I see you got the Charmin there in your cart. It really is more absorbent. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”

303. “I’m happily married, but supposedly the grocery store is a great place for singles to meet. I’m not sure how this works. “I see you got the Charmin there in your cart. It really is more absorbent. Wanna grab a cup of coffee?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Getting married and becoming the father of young children has taught me that I am a narcissist. The good news is that I am a really great, really important, and really special narcissist.”

304. “Getting married and becoming the father of young children has taught me that I am a narcissist. The good news is that I am a really great, really important, and really special narcissist.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!”

305. “All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “If you ever mention something fun that you are going to do with your young children, and there is any time that will elapse between the very moment you bring it up and when you are actually doing the fun thing, you will be batraged with questions during that entire time period. If you tell them that you might go to Disney at some point in the coming year, you have opened a Pandora’s box.”

306. “If you ever mention something fun that you are going to do with your young children, and there is any time that will elapse between the very moment you bring it up and when you are actually doing the fun thing, you will be batraged with questions during that entire time period. If you tell them that you might go to Disney at some point in the coming year, you have opened a Pandora’s box.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja.”

307. “I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

308. “Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.”

309. “If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.”

310. “Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things.”

311. “So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”

312. “We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don’t know how Moses did it.”

313. “It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don’t know how Moses did it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?”

314. “You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers.”

315. “When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.”

316. “I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I wouldn’t trust them skinnies with food advice.”

317. “I wouldn’t trust them skinnies with food advice.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.”

318. “I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who’s not interested.”

319. “I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who’s not interested.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.”

320. “The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore, it’s a vegetable.”

321. “I like to think coffee comes from beans; therefore, it’s a vegetable.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, “Can you tell that I have cats?” I replied, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.”

322. “A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, “Can you tell that I have cats?” I replied, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called ‘barbecue’.”

323. “Each city in the southeastern part of the United States has its own unique type of specialty food that can be only found in that city, and it all happens to be called ‘barbecue’.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.”

324. “I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. “Cool” is a ridiculous concept.”

325. “Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. “Cool” is a ridiculous concept.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I mostly eat ice cream at night in sweatpants, the uniform of ice cream eating. I’ll toss the lid even before I start eating the pint, because I’m not a quitter.”

326. “I mostly eat ice cream at night in sweatpants, the uniform of ice cream eating. I’ll toss the lid even before I start eating the pint, because I’m not a quitter.”

— Jim Gaffigan

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