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Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2025 Update)
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Jim Gaffigan Quote: “All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!”

301. “All healthy babies eventually walk, but we treat those first steps like someone has just risen out of a wheelchair at a healing revival. “He’s walking! It’s a miracle!”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan Salt Artisanal Saltines and cost ten dollars a cracker.”

302. “I imagine Saltines will have a comeback. If there are gourmet doughnuts, there might as well be gourmet Saltines. “These are Himalayan Salt Artisanal Saltines and cost ten dollars a cracker.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. “What am I, a pioneer?”

303. “Eating fries without salt feels like a sacrifice. “What am I, a pioneer?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

304. “Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.”

305. “If honeydew melons disappeared from the planet, would anyone even notice? We would just continue to eat prosciutto like God intended us to.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair. There.”

306. “I would trade money, sleep, or hair for a smile from one of my children in a heartbeat. Well, it depends on how much hair. There.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”

307. “We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution.”

308. “There is cheese from just about every country in the world except China. No cheese from China? Maybe tofu is Chinese cheese. No wonder there was a cultural revolution.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, “Uh, we don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.”

309. “Fortune cookies are an American invention, and we gave it to them. The Chinese were probably like, “Uh, we don’t want it.” And we were like, “It’s now part of your ethnic identity.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.”

310. “I’ve become one of those parents who demand their children go to the bathroom. “But I don’t have to.” “Well, go anyway.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer – that’s the food we eat before we have our food. No, no, you’re thinking of dessert – that’s food we have after we have our food. We eat tons of food. Sometimes there’s so much we just stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then we throw it out the next day. Maybe give it to the dog.”

311. “It would be embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer – that’s the food we eat before we have our food. No, no, you’re thinking of dessert – that’s food we have after we have our food. We eat tons of food. Sometimes there’s so much we just stick it in a bag and bring it home. Then we throw it out the next day. Maybe give it to the dog.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Even in the ’70s and ’80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of “cool.” The cool character on Happy Days was “the Fonz,” and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men’s bathroom. That’s not only not cool, that’s not even sanitary.”

312. “Even in the ’70s and ’80s, the television show Happy Days was aware of the irony of “cool.” The cool character on Happy Days was “the Fonz,” and he was ridiculous. His office was in a men’s bathroom. That’s not only not cool, that’s not even sanitary.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “It’s McDonald’s of the soul: momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer.”

313. “It’s McDonald’s of the soul: momentary pleasure followed by incredible guilt, eventually leading to cancer.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.”

314. “I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website “comment” section.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. “Cool” is a ridiculous concept.”

315. “Newsflash: High school is over. You are not cool. “Cool” is a ridiculous concept.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja.”

316. “I like it when my five-year-old asks me if a woman in a burka on the subway is a ninja.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.”

317. “Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things.”

318. “So why a book? Well, since you’ve come into my life, you’ve been a constant source of entertainment while simultaneously driving me insane. I felt I had to write down my observations about you in a book. And also for money, so you could eat and continue to break things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don’t know how Moses did it.”

319. “It is probably easier to land a quadruple jump in ice-skating than to get my five children to depart our home in a timely manner. Everyone knows leaving anywhere with a large group is extremely difficult. I don’t know how Moses did it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?”

320. “You ever talk to an old person? I mean a really, really old person. They always have this exhausted look on their face that says, I can’t believe I’m still here! I would’ve eaten so much more ice cream. Why did I ever consume kale?”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers.”

321. “When I was single, I was convinced my friends who took the plunge and had their first baby were victims of an alien abduction, because they would disappear from the planet and reappear a year later as unrecognizable strangers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.”

322. “I am sure everyone reading this book values their sleep, but I am a sleep enthusiast! My dream is to become one of those grandpas in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who just lives in bed. That looked awesome.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I wouldn’t trust them skinnies with food advice.”

323. “I wouldn’t trust them skinnies with food advice.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who’s not interested.”

324. “I wish I could take a low-quality photo of my dessert and text it to someone who’s not interested.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.”

325. “The only thing weaker than a toddler’s handshake is their immune system.”

— Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Quote: “A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, “Can you tell that I have cats?” I replied, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.”

326. “A good friend of ours has three cats in her studio apartment and asked me, “Can you tell that I have cats?” I replied, “No, but I can tell you have a box of turds in your living room.”

— Jim Gaffigan

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