Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “My new years resolution? I will be less laz...”

— Jim Gaffigan

Featured in: New Year Quotes

2. “Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.”

— Jim Gaffigan

3. “The real question is should we trust people who don’t like cheese?”

— Jim Gaffigan

4. “Whenever you correct someone’s grammar just remember that nobody likes you.”

— Jim Gaffigan

5. “When our bed is made, it’s covered in 40 pillows-like we’re stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.”

— Jim Gaffigan

6. “Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?”

— Jim Gaffigan

7. “Imagine you’re drowning, and someone hands you a baby.”

— Jim Gaffigan

8. “Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.”

— Jim Gaffigan

9. “You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? ‘Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!’”

— Jim Gaffigan

10. “Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there’s always a woman getting beaten on that channel. “In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.””

— Jim Gaffigan

11. “I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, “I’m glad I ate that.” I’m always like, “I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts.””

— Jim Gaffigan

12. “My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, ‘pregnant.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

13. “The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?”

— Jim Gaffigan

14. “Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody’s drunk in the kitchen.”

— Jim Gaffigan

15. “I’m not a foodie; I’m an eatie. I don’t have anything against foodies. I just don’t have the time or the interest to do that much research.”

— Jim Gaffigan

16. “I usually don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowin crap up. It’s what the founding fathers would want.”

— Jim Gaffigan

17. “I’m definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer – everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we’re just like, oh no.”

— Jim Gaffigan

18. “Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.”

— Jim Gaffigan

19. “Lean Pockets, I don’t even wanna know what’s in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: ‘Remove from box, place directly in toilet.’ Flush Pocket!”

— Jim Gaffigan

20. “Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.”

— Jim Gaffigan

21. “I like to think of bread as really bland cake.”

— Jim Gaffigan

22. “I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.”

— Jim Gaffigan

23. “Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.”

— Jim Gaffigan

24. “Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couples, and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.”

— Jim Gaffigan

25. “I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.”

— Jim Gaffigan

26. “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.”

— Jim Gaffigan

27. “Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can’t reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.”

— Jim Gaffigan

28. “You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.”

— Jim Gaffigan

29. “The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let’s see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.”

— Jim Gaffigan

30. “You can’t tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn’t somehow tied to his name. You’re not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.”

— Jim Gaffigan

31. “People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, “You were named after Grandma.” The seventh kid, “You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben.””

— Jim Gaffigan

32. “I can’t believe we got grades in gym class. I’ve never used anything I learned in there. “All right, I’m standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy.””

— Jim Gaffigan

33. “Bacon’s the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.”

— Jim Gaffigan

34. “I’m bald, blind and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.”

— Jim Gaffigan

35. “The reason I say I’m a horrible person is I don’t want myself to be presented as somebody who’s a great Catholic.”

— Jim Gaffigan

36. “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

37. “We tend to outdo ourselves.”

— Jim Gaffigan

38. “If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?”

— Jim Gaffigan

39. “Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.”

— Jim Gaffigan

40. “How’d we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

41. “All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

42. “Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.”

— Jim Gaffigan

43. “Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: “I still live near you!” The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it’s just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

— Jim Gaffigan

44. “I do have some Catholic stuff that is done from the perspective of an ignorant Catholic. But other than that, topic-wise, there’s nothing really filthy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

45. “Don’t you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?”

— Jim Gaffigan

46. “I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan.”

— Jim Gaffigan

47. “It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.”

— Jim Gaffigan

48. “Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.”

— Jim Gaffigan

49. “Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.”

— Jim Gaffigan

50. “My children have made me a better man, which is – in the end, that’s probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.”

— Jim Gaffigan