Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I’m closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.”

— Jim Gaffigan

202. “I don’t want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some – be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they’re people of any stripes of life.”

— Jim Gaffigan

203. “I left the Midwest thinking I didn’t fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.”

— Jim Gaffigan

204. “I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. “So that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they trick you into it.””

— Jim Gaffigan

205. “Yeah, I am a character actor.”

— Jim Gaffigan

206. “Cancer is always funny.”

— Jim Gaffigan

207. “If someone picks up one thing you’ve written, you want them to go, ‘Wow, this is pretty good.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

208. “Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.”

— Jim Gaffigan

209. “Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

210. “I do just want to do jokes. I don’t want to be a divisive figure.”

— Jim Gaffigan

211. “Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, “Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it””

— Jim Gaffigan

212. “I think when I started doing stand-up, that’s when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is – I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

213. “Most of my material is, it doesn’t necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don’t have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.”

— Jim Gaffigan

214. “I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I’m probably somebody who is more devout.”

— Jim Gaffigan

215. “I would say that now I’m somebody who goes to church.”

— Jim Gaffigan

216. “I don’t know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don’t consider stand-ups really actors.”

— Jim Gaffigan

217. “Faith is something that’s – it’s hard to articulate. It’s – there’s – it’s not based on logic.”

— Jim Gaffigan

218. “I’m there to make people laugh. I’m not trying to come across as sexy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

219. “I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I’ve never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they’ve always been separate desires.”

— Jim Gaffigan

220. “You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?”

— Jim Gaffigan

221. “Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn’t make sense from a financial standpoint.”

— Jim Gaffigan

222. “I don’t think comedians make an active decision to be a certain “persona.” Comedians write the way they’re going to write.”

— Jim Gaffigan

223. “You’re on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there’s some kind of – at least for me, there’s some kind of idea of control.”

— Jim Gaffigan

224. “What’s amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there’s an ending you can see. There’s an enthusiasm to it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

225. “It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you’re like, “I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?” But at night you’re like, “La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I’ve seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron’s always in trouble.””

— Jim Gaffigan

226. “Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it’s what inspires you. So I feel like with food, it is a passion of mine. It’s where my sensibility rests. I love topics that are universal, and I love stuff that doesn’t alienate people.”

— Jim Gaffigan

227. “I’ve been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we’ve found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

228. “Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.”

— Jim Gaffigan

229. “I realize I look very hip hop but I’m really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.”

— Jim Gaffigan

230. “I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.”

— Jim Gaffigan

231. “My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I’m not in control of things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

232. “I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn’t going to do in my stand-up routine.”

— Jim Gaffigan

233. “When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.”

— Jim Gaffigan

234. “That’s not to say that I’m a well-informed Catholic. I’m still in idiot.”

— Jim Gaffigan

235. “In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.”

— Jim Gaffigan

236. “I don’t have any delusions. I’m not a novelist – I’m a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it’s pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.”

— Jim Gaffigan

237. “When I’m in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it – it kind of quells my narcissism.”

— Jim Gaffigan

238. “I don’t want people to think I believe in God.”

— Jim Gaffigan

239. “I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I’m the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.”

— Jim Gaffigan

240. “I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.”

— Jim Gaffigan

241. “I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.”

— Jim Gaffigan

242. “I’d really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.”

— Jim Gaffigan

243. “The whole idea of celebrity is flattering – it helps you get into restaurants and stuff – but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it’s hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.”

— Jim Gaffigan

244. “Television’s very much a writer’s medium, as it probably should be, but if you’re not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It’s just kind of how it’s constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don’t want to come across as a jerk.”

— Jim Gaffigan

245. “Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.”

— Jim Gaffigan

246. “I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.”

— Jim Gaffigan

247. “You didn’t question – kind of like, you would go to college. You would wear a tie to work. You would, you know, you would work for 40 years. And then you would play golf for three years, and then you would die. That was how I was raised.”

— Jim Gaffigan

248. “Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.”

— Jim Gaffigan

249. “I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.”

— Jim Gaffigan

250. “For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn’t offer a level of creative fulfillment, it’s oddly unappealing.”

— Jim Gaffigan