Top 300 Jim Gaffigan Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 5 of 7

201. “Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.”

— Jim Gaffigan

202. “I think when I started doing stand-up, that’s when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is – I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

203. “Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’”

— Jim Gaffigan

204. “Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, “Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it””

— Jim Gaffigan

205. “There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.”

— Jim Gaffigan

206. “Most of my material is, it doesn’t necessarily involve a lot of editing. So even the show with the World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia, I don’t have to worry about some of the material being inappropriate.”

— Jim Gaffigan

207. “I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I’m probably somebody who is more devout.”

— Jim Gaffigan

208. “For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.”

— Jim Gaffigan

209. “I’m closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.”

— Jim Gaffigan

210. “There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am – which is not to say that that’s a bad thing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

211. “I don’t want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some – be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they’re people of any stripes of life.”

— Jim Gaffigan

212. “Faith is something that’s – it’s hard to articulate. It’s – there’s – it’s not based on logic.”

— Jim Gaffigan

213. “I would say that now I’m somebody who goes to church.”

— Jim Gaffigan

214. “I don’t know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don’t consider stand-ups really actors.”

— Jim Gaffigan

215. “I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I’ve never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they’ve always been separate desires.”

— Jim Gaffigan

216. “Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn’t make sense from a financial standpoint.”

— Jim Gaffigan

217. “You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?”

— Jim Gaffigan

218. “I don’t think comedians make an active decision to be a certain “persona.” Comedians write the way they’re going to write.”

— Jim Gaffigan

219. “I do just want to do jokes. I don’t want to be a divisive figure.”

— Jim Gaffigan

220. “You’re on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there’s some kind of – at least for me, there’s some kind of idea of control.”

— Jim Gaffigan

221. “It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you’re like, “I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?” But at night you’re like, “La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I’ve seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron’s always in trouble.””

— Jim Gaffigan

222. “Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it’s what inspires you. So I feel like with food, it is a passion of mine. It’s where my sensibility rests. I love topics that are universal, and I love stuff that doesn’t alienate people.”

— Jim Gaffigan

223. “Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.”

— Jim Gaffigan

224. “I realize I look very hip hop but I’m really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.”

— Jim Gaffigan

225. “I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.”

— Jim Gaffigan

226. “I’m there to make people laugh. I’m not trying to come across as sexy.”

— Jim Gaffigan

227. “My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I’m not in control of things.”

— Jim Gaffigan

228. “I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn’t going to do in my stand-up routine.”

— Jim Gaffigan

229. “When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me – I’m 43, balding, blond, whatever – there’s something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it’s eight people from Sweden who don’t understand what I’m talking about.”

— Jim Gaffigan

230. “The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you’re either given way too much respect, like people saying, “You should be the head of the sitcom!” Or you’re given no respect, where they’re like, “You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down.””

— Jim Gaffigan

231. “In stand up, you get an awareness of how you come across, but in acting there is almost a hyper-awareness on how you might be physically perceived.”

— Jim Gaffigan

232. “I don’t have any delusions. I’m not a novelist – I’m a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it’s pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.”

— Jim Gaffigan

233. “That’s not to say that I’m a well-informed Catholic. I’m still in idiot.”

— Jim Gaffigan

234. “What’s amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there’s an ending you can see. There’s an enthusiasm to it.”

— Jim Gaffigan

235. “I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I’m the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.”

— Jim Gaffigan

236. “When I’m in touch with the idea that there is a higher power and that there is, you know, other factors at work, it – it kind of quells my narcissism.”

— Jim Gaffigan

237. “I don’t want people to think I believe in God.”

— Jim Gaffigan

238. “I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.”

— Jim Gaffigan

239. “I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.”

— Jim Gaffigan

240. “I’d really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.”

— Jim Gaffigan

241. “I’ve been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we’ve found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

242. “I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.”

— Jim Gaffigan

243. “Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.”

— Jim Gaffigan

244. “Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.”

— Jim Gaffigan

245. “I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.”

— Jim Gaffigan

246. “For stand-up comedians that go onstage and get to write and perform and direct, and do all these things, the allure of a television show is still there but if it doesn’t offer a level of creative fulfillment, it’s oddly unappealing.”

— Jim Gaffigan

247. “I am somebody who – my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don’t want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.”

— Jim Gaffigan

248. “The whole idea of celebrity is flattering – it helps you get into restaurants and stuff – but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it’s hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.”

— Jim Gaffigan

249. “Television’s very much a writer’s medium, as it probably should be, but if you’re not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It’s just kind of how it’s constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don’t want to come across as a jerk.”

— Jim Gaffigan

250. “Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.”

— Jim Gaffigan