Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church’s president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

52. “The Tonight Show didn’t seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.”

— Jimmy Fallon

53. “I’m not a big baseball fan, to be honest.”

— Jimmy Fallon

54. “Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.”

— Jimmy Fallon

55. “This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from ‘Duck Dynasty.’ It was a good weekend for conservatives – and a great weekend for wild animals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

56. “When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.”

— Jimmy Fallon

57. “I like being absurd. Being silly.”

— Jimmy Fallon

58. “During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.”

— Jimmy Fallon

59. “A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.”

— Jimmy Fallon

60. “According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like ‘How can I get your job?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

61. “Everyone looks so much better when they smile.”

— Jimmy Fallon

62. “The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.”

— Jimmy Fallon

63. “Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is ‘Reform. Growth. Safety.’ Which is actually similar to Donald Trump’s new slogan: ‘Mexico. Money. Crazy.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

64. “A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.”

— Jimmy Fallon

65. “I feel like I’m being too Zen. I’m inhaling too much patchouli and incense. It’s embarrassing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

66. “People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.”

— Jimmy Fallon

67. “Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

68. “There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It’s pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives.”

— Jimmy Fallon

69. “Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

70. “I remember watching Soulja Boy on YouTube over and over again to prepare for it. For the first one, I was up all night in my kitchen, practicing the dance, because I knew I had to dance with Timberlake and that guy can dance.”

— Jimmy Fallon

71. “I sing in the car if I’m in LA, because you’re like soundproofed.”

— Jimmy Fallon

72. “Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, ‘But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

73. “In New York, there are so many potholes, they’re like craters on the moon. That’s another traffic thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

74. “I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.”

— Jimmy Fallon

75. “We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you’d expect, security’s been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

76. “Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.”

— Jimmy Fallon

77. “The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather – because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?”

— Jimmy Fallon

78. “A Miami judge issued Florida’s first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They’ll say, ‘Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

79. “In celebration of Mother’s Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, ‘Thanks, Obama.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

80. “John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

81. “Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

82. “In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.”

— Jimmy Fallon

83. “You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you’re doing it. That is how you torture yourself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

84. “As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It’s getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.”

— Jimmy Fallon

85. “We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph.”

— Jimmy Fallon

86. “Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.”

— Jimmy Fallon

87. “In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, ‘Yeah, that’s how families work.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

88. “Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.”

— Jimmy Fallon

89. “BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.”

— Jimmy Fallon

90. “The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.”

— Jimmy Fallon

91. “Politics is pop. Our job as comedians – especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience – is to amplify what we think America is thinking.”

— Jimmy Fallon

92. “The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.”

— Jimmy Fallon

93. “If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.”

— Jimmy Fallon

94. “Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.”

— Jimmy Fallon

95. “There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he’s looking for another ex-president to be roommates with.”

— Jimmy Fallon

96. “In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he’d be ‘Rocky Road.’ I don’t know, Perry’s not really any flavor of ice cream. He’s just the brain freeze part.”

— Jimmy Fallon

97. “After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, ‘You mean I’ve been eating a dangerous chemical?’ While most people were like, ‘You mean I can eat my yoga mat?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

98. “The heroic New York doctor who caught Ebola has been declared Ebola free. President Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire.”

— Jimmy Fallon

99. “Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.”

— Jimmy Fallon

100. “I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch.”

— Jimmy Fallon