Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “The Tonight Show didn’t seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.”

— Jimmy Fallon

52. “Apparently President Obama’s favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, ‘On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

53. “I’m not a big baseball fan, to be honest.”

— Jimmy Fallon

54. “Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.”

— Jimmy Fallon

55. “This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from ‘Duck Dynasty.’ It was a good weekend for conservatives – and a great weekend for wild animals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

56. “A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites.”

— Jimmy Fallon

57. “When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.”

— Jimmy Fallon

58. “I like being absurd. Being silly.”

— Jimmy Fallon

59. “During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.”

— Jimmy Fallon

60. “According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like ‘How can I get your job?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

61. “The Department of Agriculture announced that it will ban six new strains of E. coli. Which explains why the hot dog vendor outside my building is now just selling napkins.”

— Jimmy Fallon

62. “A new study found that most people can’t go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.”

— Jimmy Fallon

63. “Everyone looks so much better when they smile.”

— Jimmy Fallon

64. “Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

65. “I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.”

— Jimmy Fallon

66. “There are reports that French President Francois Hollande had an affair with an actress who is 18 years younger than him. It’s pretty serious. Under French law, he could face up to 30 high fives.”

— Jimmy Fallon

67. “Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is ‘Reform. Growth. Safety.’ Which is actually similar to Donald Trump’s new slogan: ‘Mexico. Money. Crazy.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

68. “I feel like I’m being too Zen. I’m inhaling too much patchouli and incense. It’s embarrassing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

69. “People ask me, Jimmy, howd you get here tonight. Lets just say it involved a two-hour make-out session with Elaine Stritch. It got pretty heavy actually, I almost had to host.”

— Jimmy Fallon

70. “We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you’d expect, security’s been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

71. “Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White’s seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.”

— Jimmy Fallon

72. “The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather – because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?”

— Jimmy Fallon

73. “Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama’ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

74. “I remember watching Soulja Boy on YouTube over and over again to prepare for it. For the first one, I was up all night in my kitchen, practicing the dance, because I knew I had to dance with Timberlake and that guy can dance.”

— Jimmy Fallon

75. “I sing in the car if I’m in LA, because you’re like soundproofed.”

— Jimmy Fallon

76. “Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, ‘But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

77. “In New York, there are so many potholes, they’re like craters on the moon. That’s another traffic thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

78. “If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.”

— Jimmy Fallon

79. “Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, ‘Airbags! I knew we forgot something.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

80. “In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC’s Diane Sawyer, ‘For all intents and purposes, I’m a woman.’ At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.”

— Jimmy Fallon

81. “A Miami judge issued Florida’s first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They’ll say, ‘Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

82. “In celebration of Mother’s Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, ‘Thanks, Obama.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

83. “John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

84. “The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.”

— Jimmy Fallon

85. “The White House announced that it has rejected several petitions to legalize marijuana. They say it has nothing to do with politics. It’s just that they can’t accept a petition that was written on a crumpled up Funyuns bag.”

— Jimmy Fallon

86. “Today Mitt Romney visited a firehouse here in New York City. Of course, he was disappointed when he learned that the firehouse is not where you get to fire people.”

— Jimmy Fallon

87. “You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you’re doing it. That is how you torture yourself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

88. “As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It’s getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.”

— Jimmy Fallon

89. “We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph.”

— Jimmy Fallon

90. “Japan and South Korea are on high alert after North Korea successfully launched a long-range rocket. Both countries are surprised by North Korea’s successful launch, but definitely not as surprised as North Korea.”

— Jimmy Fallon

91. “In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, ‘Yeah, that’s how families work.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

92. “Yesterday in Florida, President Obama kissed a woman on the cheek after she told him he looks good. Which explains why last night, Michelle made him sleep on Air Mattress One.”

— Jimmy Fallon

93. “BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean.”

— Jimmy Fallon

94. “Politics is pop. Our job as comedians – especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience – is to amplify what we think America is thinking.”

— Jimmy Fallon

95. “According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who’s still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.”

— Jimmy Fallon

96. “NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.”

— Jimmy Fallon

97. “We have a really, really great dog. It doesn’t bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He’s just a very happy dog.”

— Jimmy Fallon

98. “Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.”

— Jimmy Fallon

99. “Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn’t call them midterms.”

— Jimmy Fallon

100. “A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.”

— Jimmy Fallon