Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit.”

— Jimmy Fallon

2. “I’d be nothing without my wife. She’s the coolest. She’s the greatest. She is the smartest. She’s the funniest. I love her so much. She’s like the – it’s like your best friend for the rest of your life.”

— Jimmy Fallon

3. “Success is just happiness. When you are happy, that is success.”

— Jimmy Fallon

4. “I like doing energetic things.”

— Jimmy Fallon

5. “I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive.”

— Jimmy Fallon

6. “Listening is more important than talking.”

— Jimmy Fallon

7. “Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.”

— Jimmy Fallon

8. “Joe Biden went to Brazil in an effort to try and repair America’s relationship with their government. Biden said, ‘It’s great to be here in the Amazon. I’ve always wanted to see where all the books come from.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

9. “Don’t keep reaching for the stars because you’ll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.”

— Jimmy Fallon

10. “Joe Biden will speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on Saturday, he is scheduled to speak to them again to apologize for whatever he said in Friday’s speech.”

— Jimmy Fallon

11. “A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world’s oldest divorced couple. It’s got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.”

— Jimmy Fallon

12. “I remember people saying to us, “You’re too nice. Hollywood is going to eat you up and spit you out.” I never listened to them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

13. “I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, ‘I’m just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I’m going to sleep with a smile on my face.’ That’s my job; that’s what I do.”

— Jimmy Fallon

14. “Whenever I’m stuck in traffic, I can’t help but wonder, ‘Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn’t he done something about this?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

16. “A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.”

— Jimmy Fallon

17. “I haven’t been on a date in awhile. I went on maybe two dates in my whole life.”

— Jimmy Fallon

18. “Today, President Obama finally met with BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.”

— Jimmy Fallon

19. “Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don’t worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen.”

— Jimmy Fallon

20. “Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: ‘We think we’re important enough to charge money for our garbage.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

21. “Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there’s a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there’s a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, ‘Wait, that’s today?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

22. “North Korea has declared its own time zone that they are calling ‘Pyongyang Time,’ and set their clocks back half an hour. So if it’s say, 11:40 here now in New York, in North Korea it’s still 1925.”

— Jimmy Fallon

23. “Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don’t tell my parents about this. I can’t be explaining this stuff every week.”

— Jimmy Fallon

24. “New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

25. “I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I’m gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I’m an idiot. And I’m your boyfriend.”

— Jimmy Fallon

26. “Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine.”

— Jimmy Fallon

27. “A girl in New York whose parents were on Wife Swap is suing the show for 100-million dollars for making her look like a spoiled brat. Note to girl: guess what else makes you look like a spoiled brat? Being 15 and suing for a hundred million dollars.”

— Jimmy Fallon

28. “Listening is more important than talking. Just hit your mark and believe what you say. Just listen to people and react to what they are saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

29. “I became a Yankees fan for a few years. But now, I gotta say, I’m really rooting for the Red Sox.”

— Jimmy Fallon

30. “I think you just look for the person you have the most fun with. And that’s enough. You realize, “Wait, I can just keep having fun with her forever?” Yes, you can do that. That is the key.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Featured in: Fun Quotes

31. “Oh here’s an idea: let’s make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine’s Day. That’s not weird at all.”

— Jimmy Fallon

32. “Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.”

— Jimmy Fallon

33. “Thank you, people who say ‘Wow, you’re really photogenic,’ for not saying what you really mean: ‘Wow, you’re really ugly in person.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

34. “Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.”

— Jimmy Fallon

35. “Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.”

— Jimmy Fallon

36. “There’s a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That’s ridiculous. I don’t need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.”

— Jimmy Fallon

37. “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce ‘gubernatorial.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

38. “My dream was to grow up and get a job at IBM, like my dad. That seemed like a logical dream.”

— Jimmy Fallon

39. “A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.”

— Jimmy Fallon

40. “This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world’s oldest newlyweds. They’re registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.”

— Jimmy Fallon

41. “Ten Delta Airlines baggage handlers were arrested for smuggling drugs into Detroit. Yeah, you can tell Delta was involved, because the drugs were supposed to be smuggled into Chicago.”

— Jimmy Fallon

42. “Live your life by doing activities that are beneficial.”

— Jimmy Fallon

43. “A new study found that women gain more weight after marriage, but men gain more weight after a divorce. Yeah, the divorce usually takes place after men point out that women gained more weight after marriage.”

— Jimmy Fallon

44. “A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they are not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.”

— Jimmy Fallon

45. “No-one gets beaten to death quite like Hilary Swank.”

— Jimmy Fallon

46. “Here’s a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they’re capturing it with ducks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

47. “You only think of the best comeback when you leave.”

— Jimmy Fallon

48. “New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He’s going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn’t a steak.”

— Jimmy Fallon

49. “While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church’s president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

50. “The Tonight Show didn’t seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire.”

— Jimmy Fallon