Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.”

— Jimmy Fallon

102. “According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who’s still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.”

— Jimmy Fallon

103. “NASA is developing space taxis to shuttle astronauts to the International Space Station. And just like New York taxis, they’re all going to be driven by aliens.”

— Jimmy Fallon

104. “We have a really, really great dog. It doesn’t bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He’s just a very happy dog.”

— Jimmy Fallon

105. “Happy birthday to Arnold Palmer, who turned 82. That’s 41 years iced tea and 41 years lemonade.”

— Jimmy Fallon

106. “Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn’t call them midterms.”

— Jimmy Fallon

107. “A new study found that students who are taught abstinence end up with better math scores. Of course, if you join the math team, the abstinence takes care of itself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

108. “The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.”

— Jimmy Fallon

109. “During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy’s Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy’s Country Ham House.”

— Jimmy Fallon

110. “In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham’s personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.”

— Jimmy Fallon

111. “After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, ‘Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

112. “During a speech on Sunday, President Obama said to the crowd, ‘We’ve got to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.’ This went on for an hour until someone finally fixed his teleprompter.”

— Jimmy Fallon

113. “Shouldn’t every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?”

— Jimmy Fallon

114. “I like to see people laugh who are normally serious.”

— Jimmy Fallon

115. “It’s all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

116. “The Pentagon banned the army from using Chinese-made berets. In a more veiled slap at the Chinese, the Pentagon also banned any alternative form of checkers.”

— Jimmy Fallon

117. “President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he’d want the ability to speak any language. That’s so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.”

— Jimmy Fallon

118. “The White House is apparently pushing to create more Latino-themed landmarks. Now that’s in addition to our current Latino-themed landmark, California.”

— Jimmy Fallon

119. “A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like ‘Feel the Bern.’ They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says ‘Feel the Chafee.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

120. “Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money.”

— Jimmy Fallon

121. “A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.”

— Jimmy Fallon

122. “It’s something I worry about when I’m working out. I don’t want to get too fit. Because I don’t want the new DaVinci of this Millennium to say, “You. I have found my muse. I have to sculpt you.””

— Jimmy Fallon

123. “I honestly, purposely have not gone to therapy because I know some crazy stuff’s going to be dragged up and, you know, I’ll be like, ‘Wait, what?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

124. “Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they’ve gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.”

— Jimmy Fallon

125. “It seems like everybody’s weighing in on Trumps campaign – even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is ‘probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.’ Then Trump was like, ‘Well, at least one Cuban loves me.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

126. “Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, ‘Thanksgiving Dinner.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

127. “Thank you slow-walking family in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.”

— Jimmy Fallon

128. “We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you’re a pretty good fan. You don’t have to win everything to be a fan of something.”

— Jimmy Fallon

129. “With more and more states legalizing marijuana, companies are lining up to create the first marijuana breathalyzer. Officials say the toughest part is getting stoners to stop trying to inhale off the breathalyzer.”

— Jimmy Fallon

130. “A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there’s two words I trust together in the same sentence, it’s ‘cheap’ and ‘helicopter.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

131. “I didn’t think it was going to be this fun. But everything just gets heightened when you have a baby. The volume gets turned up on life. I never knew I could be this happy, and that’s the truth.”

— Jimmy Fallon

132. “During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, ‘Never paint your wife or your mother.’ Then he added, ‘Because it’s almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

133. “Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, ‘Yeah. That wasn’t me.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

134. “Starbucks is planning to close down all the restrooms in its New York locations. Which explains the most popular new Starbucks order: An empty cup.”

— Jimmy Fallon

135. “In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We’re all tied with presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee.”

— Jimmy Fallon

136. “Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

137. “Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.”

— Jimmy Fallon

138. “A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow.”

— Jimmy Fallon

139. “I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said ‘Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I’m selling, so why not strike while the iron’s hot.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

140. “After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They’re hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian’s next photo shoot.”

— Jimmy Fallon

141. “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

142. “A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

143. “According to a new report, since he’s been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I’m actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

144. “During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.”

— Jimmy Fallon

145. “Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

146. “In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

147. “Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.”

— Jimmy Fallon

148. “President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It’s a whole new Secret Service security thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

149. “The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.”

— Jimmy Fallon

150. “I’m on so late I’m definitely the last seconds of anyone’s attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, ‘That’s funny,’ then fall asleep.”

— Jimmy Fallon