Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

202. “I don’t shoot guns. I don’t know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.”

— Jimmy Fallon

203. “This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, ‘Whichever comes first.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

204. “The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.”

— Jimmy Fallon

205. “Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.”

— Jimmy Fallon

206. “Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, ‘I’m begging.’ Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?”

— Jimmy Fallon

207. “Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.”

— Jimmy Fallon

208. “It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

209. “Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

— Jimmy Fallon

210. “An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

211. “New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.”

— Jimmy Fallon

212. “Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch.’ That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, ‘I’m not Christine O’Donnell.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

213. “The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.”

— Jimmy Fallon

214. “I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

215. “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!”

— Jimmy Fallon

216. “A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

217. “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.”

— Jimmy Fallon

218. “It was the 60th anniversary of ‘Face the Nation.’ During his interview, President Obama said, ‘Our country doesn’t fear the future. We grab it.’ Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.”

— Jimmy Fallon

219. “Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, ‘And that’s coming from ME!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

220. “Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

221. “According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

222. “This week Bill Clinton tweeted a photo of himself reading George W. Bush’s new book ‘41.’ Then George W. Bush responded to that post on Instagram. Then John McCain said ‘You two are hilarious’ by telegraph.”

— Jimmy Fallon

223. “After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama’s golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, ‘Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

224. “In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname ‘tortoise’ because he’s making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one.”

— Jimmy Fallon

225. “I didn’t act like I was there. I just got into the story.”

— Jimmy Fallon

226. “Thank you ‘adults who wear back packs’ for letting me know that I don’t have to take you seriously.”

— Jimmy Fallon

227. “Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as ‘Hispanic’ on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, ‘Si.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

228. “Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

229. “The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

230. “President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.”

— Jimmy Fallon

231. “In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book ‘The Art of the Deal,’ and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, ‘It worked for us – you guys got screwed!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

232. “Wearing shorts is a huge perk. I think it’s probably one of the reasons people become mailmen. You also get to drive in that vehicle that should be illegal in the United States, where the steering wheel is on the other side. They have no rules! They are the punk rock of government jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

233. “I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

234. “Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.”

— Jimmy Fallon

235. “I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar.”

— Jimmy Fallon

236. “In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

237. “Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.”

— Jimmy Fallon

238. “Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars.”

— Jimmy Fallon

239. “It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.”

— Jimmy Fallon

240. “After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

241. “Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.”

— Jimmy Fallon

242. “Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, ‘You know what, we’re good. We’re gonna head back now. We had enough.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

243. “President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes – eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said ‘Thanks Obama’ but actually meant it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

244. “Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going ot be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

245. “Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.”

— Jimmy Fallon

246. “President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he’s repeating himself every half hour, that’s where he learned it from.”

— Jimmy Fallon

247. “Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he’s fine. The bad news is there’s no video of it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

248. “Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new ‘mandatory Mexican gay weed’ bill.”

— Jimmy Fallon

249. “A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to ‘Dude, ranches.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

250. “During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work.”

— Jimmy Fallon