Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2025 Update)
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201. “Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, ‘I’m begging.’ Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?”

— Jimmy Fallon

202. “Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.”

— Jimmy Fallon

203. “It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

204. “Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

— Jimmy Fallon

205. “An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

206. “New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.”

— Jimmy Fallon

207. “Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch.’ That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, ‘I’m not Christine O’Donnell.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

208. “The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.”

— Jimmy Fallon

209. “I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

210. “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!”

— Jimmy Fallon

211. “A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

212. “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.”

— Jimmy Fallon

213. “It was the 60th anniversary of ‘Face the Nation.’ During his interview, President Obama said, ‘Our country doesn’t fear the future. We grab it.’ Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.”

— Jimmy Fallon

214. “Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, ‘And that’s coming from ME!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

215. “Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

216. “According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

217. “President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

218. “Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.”

— Jimmy Fallon

219. “The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

220. “This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word Evolution when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called Jesus Horses.”

— Jimmy Fallon

221. “During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he’s the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.”

— Jimmy Fallon

222. “They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called ‘Southside With You,’ and the producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I’m not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.”

— Jimmy Fallon

223. “Thank you ‘adults who wear back packs’ for letting me know that I don’t have to take you seriously.”

— Jimmy Fallon

224. “Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as ‘Hispanic’ on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, ‘Si.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

225. “Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

226. “The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

227. “President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it’s $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on.”

— Jimmy Fallon

228. “In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book ‘The Art of the Deal,’ and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, ‘It worked for us – you guys got screwed!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

229. “Wearing shorts is a huge perk. I think it’s probably one of the reasons people become mailmen. You also get to drive in that vehicle that should be illegal in the United States, where the steering wheel is on the other side. They have no rules! They are the punk rock of government jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

230. “I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

231. “Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.”

— Jimmy Fallon

232. “I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar.”

— Jimmy Fallon

233. “In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

234. “Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.”

— Jimmy Fallon

235. “It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.”

— Jimmy Fallon

236. “After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

237. “Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.”

— Jimmy Fallon

238. “Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, ‘You know what, we’re good. We’re gonna head back now. We had enough.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

239. “President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes – eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said ‘Thanks Obama’ but actually meant it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

240. “Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going ot be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

241. “Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.”

— Jimmy Fallon

242. “President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he’s repeating himself every half hour, that’s where he learned it from.”

— Jimmy Fallon

243. “Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he’s fine. The bad news is there’s no video of it.”

— Jimmy Fallon

244. “Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new ‘mandatory Mexican gay weed’ bill.”

— Jimmy Fallon

245. “A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to ‘Dude, ranches.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

246. “During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work.”

— Jimmy Fallon

247. “Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.”

— Jimmy Fallon

248. “I’m so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I’m a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.”

— Jimmy Fallon

249. “The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, ‘Time to party like it’s 1939!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

250. “After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that ‘Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.’ While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.”

— Jimmy Fallon