Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.”

— Jimmy Fallon

202. “Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.”

— Jimmy Fallon

203. “New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.”

— Jimmy Fallon

204. “Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch.’ That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, ‘I’m not Christine O’Donnell.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

205. “New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.”

— Jimmy Fallon

206. “Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like ‘Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

207. “Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, ‘I’m begging.’ Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?”

— Jimmy Fallon

Featured in: Strong Quotes

208. “It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

209. “This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word Evolution when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called Jesus Horses.”

— Jimmy Fallon

210. “Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars.”

— Jimmy Fallon

211. “According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

212. “The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.”

— Jimmy Fallon

213. “I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

214. “Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

— Jimmy Fallon

215. “President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

216. “The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

217. “A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

218. “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.”

— Jimmy Fallon

219. “It was the 60th anniversary of ‘Face the Nation.’ During his interview, President Obama said, ‘Our country doesn’t fear the future. We grab it.’ Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.”

— Jimmy Fallon

220. “Sources say the Obama administration is in the ‘final stages’ of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.”

— Jimmy Fallon

221. “Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to ‘be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.’ And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.”

— Jimmy Fallon

222. “Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.”

— Jimmy Fallon

223. “During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he’s the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.”

— Jimmy Fallon

224. “I never sing in the shower. It’s very dangerous.”

— Jimmy Fallon

225. “Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.”

— Jimmy Fallon

226. “I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.”

— Jimmy Fallon

227. “Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair.”

— Jimmy Fallon

228. “During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work.”

— Jimmy Fallon

229. “Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

230. “The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

231. “It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives.”

— Jimmy Fallon

232. “The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, ‘Time to party like it’s 1939!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

233. “After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that ‘Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.’ While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.”

— Jimmy Fallon

234. “When I was a kid, you would tune in to ‘The Tonight Show’ before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it’s a privilege of mine to be able to be in people’s homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.”

— Jimmy Fallon

235. “President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he’s repeating himself every half hour, that’s where he learned it from.”

— Jimmy Fallon

236. “Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new ‘mandatory Mexican gay weed’ bill.”

— Jimmy Fallon

237. “A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to ‘Dude, ranches.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

238. “Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as ‘Hispanic’ on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, ‘Si.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

239. “Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, ‘You know what, we’re good. We’re gonna head back now. We had enough.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

240. “Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it’s going ot be weird when they’re announcing all the countries, and he’s like ‘Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

241. “After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama’s golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, ‘Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

242. “Mike Huckabee said he’s the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.”

— Jimmy Fallon

243. “Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.”

— Jimmy Fallon

244. “Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you’re married, it’s actually located in your wife’s brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

245. “Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: ‘Who was raising that question?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

246. “Wearing shorts is a huge perk. I think it’s probably one of the reasons people become mailmen. You also get to drive in that vehicle that should be illegal in the United States, where the steering wheel is on the other side. They have no rules! They are the punk rock of government jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

247. “Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.”

— Jimmy Fallon

248. “I’m so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I’m a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Featured in: Quotes About Stories

249. “Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.”

— Jimmy Fallon

250. “This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.”

— Jimmy Fallon