Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

152. “Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.”

— Jimmy Fallon

153. “A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.”

— Jimmy Fallon

154. “A group called the Texas Tea Party Patriots is hosting a debate next month where Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain will go head to head, while people watching that will go head to pillow.”

— Jimmy Fallon

155. “I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he’s selling it now, Trump said ‘Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I’m selling, so why not strike while the iron’s hot.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

156. “After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They’re hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian’s next photo shoot.”

— Jimmy Fallon

157. “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

158. “A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

159. “According to a new report, since he’s been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I’m actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

160. “During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.”

— Jimmy Fallon

161. “Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

162. “In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

163. “Thank you slow-walking family in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.”

— Jimmy Fallon

164. “There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

165. “People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

166. “Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

167. “I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

168. “Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”

— Jimmy Fallon

169. “President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.”

— Jimmy Fallon

170. “I’m on so late I’m definitely the last seconds of anyone’s attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, ‘That’s funny,’ then fall asleep.”

— Jimmy Fallon

171. “In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

172. “Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

— Jimmy Fallon

173. “If people want to see you, they’ll find you. If they don’t see you on TV, they’ll find you on the Internet.”

— Jimmy Fallon

174. “President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

175. “Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

176. “Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

177. “Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”

— Jimmy Fallon

178. “According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

179. “Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.”

— Jimmy Fallon

180. “Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven’t seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.”

— Jimmy Fallon

181. “This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.”

— Jimmy Fallon

182. “In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she’s not qualified to be President?”

— Jimmy Fallon

183. “I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.”

— Jimmy Fallon

184. “In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

185. “One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

186. “The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.”

— Jimmy Fallon

187. “Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, ‘wined and dined’ by executives. Then Chris Christie said, ‘And I am also not running to be wined.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

188. “I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

189. “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!”

— Jimmy Fallon

190. “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.”

— Jimmy Fallon

191. “It was the 60th anniversary of ‘Face the Nation.’ During his interview, President Obama said, ‘Our country doesn’t fear the future. We grab it.’ Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.”

— Jimmy Fallon

192. “Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, ‘And that’s coming from ME!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

193. “Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

194. “According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

195. “President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

196. “Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.”

— Jimmy Fallon

197. “The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

198. “Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”

— Jimmy Fallon

199. “This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word Evolution when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called Jesus Horses.”

— Jimmy Fallon

200. “During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he’s the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.”

— Jimmy Fallon