Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.”

— Jimmy Fallon

152. “President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.”

— Jimmy Fallon

153. “The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

154. “I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.”

— Jimmy Fallon

155. “The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who’ve been outside today said, ‘Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

156. “Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.”

— Jimmy Fallon

157. “Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

158. “There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.”

— Jimmy Fallon

159. “Despite Russia’s move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia’s economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.”

— Jimmy Fallon

160. “New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.”

— Jimmy Fallon

161. “Shepard Fairey, the street artist responsible for President Obama’s ‘Hope’ poster, is now facing vandalism charges in Detroit. It’s pretty serious. Detroit officials say the artist’s spray paint caused over $9,000 worth of improvements.”

— Jimmy Fallon

162. “According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.”

— Jimmy Fallon

163. “I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.”

— Jimmy Fallon

164. “I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, ‘Thanks, Bo Obama.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

165. “There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot.”

— Jimmy Fallon

166. “Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

167. “Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

168. “Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”

— Jimmy Fallon

169. “According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

170. “Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.”

— Jimmy Fallon

171. “Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven’t seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.”

— Jimmy Fallon

172. “This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.”

— Jimmy Fallon

173. “In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she’s not qualified to be President?”

— Jimmy Fallon

174. “I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.”

— Jimmy Fallon

175. “In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

176. “One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

177. “Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, ‘wined and dined’ by executives. Then Chris Christie said, ‘And I am also not running to be wined.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

178. “There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

179. “People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

180. “Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

181. “I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

182. “Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”

— Jimmy Fallon

183. “President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.”

— Jimmy Fallon

184. “In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

185. “Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”

— Jimmy Fallon

186. “Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.”

— Jimmy Fallon

187. “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.”

— Jimmy Fallon

188. “Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

— Jimmy Fallon

189. “President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

190. “I don’t shoot guns. I don’t know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.”

— Jimmy Fallon

191. “This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, ‘Whichever comes first.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

192. “The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.”

— Jimmy Fallon

193. “Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.”

— Jimmy Fallon

194. “Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, ‘I’m begging.’ Because what better way to show you’re a strong leader than acting like you’re drunk and dialing your ex?”

— Jimmy Fallon

195. “Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.”

— Jimmy Fallon

196. “It’s Friday. That’s one reason to celebrate. Also, it’s the first day in a long time when no one declared they’re running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

197. “Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

— Jimmy Fallon

198. “An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

199. “New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.”

— Jimmy Fallon

200. “Christine O’Donnell released a commercial in which she says, ‘I’m not a witch.’ That’s pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent’s slogan, ‘I’m not Christine O’Donnell.’”

— Jimmy Fallon