Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

152. “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

153. “A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

154. “According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.”

— Jimmy Fallon

155. “I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.”

— Jimmy Fallon

156. “Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

157. “During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.”

— Jimmy Fallon

158. “Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

159. “The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.”

— Jimmy Fallon

160. “President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.”

— Jimmy Fallon

161. “Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, ‘a Monday.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

162. “The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who’ve been outside today said, ‘Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

163. “According to a new report, since he’s been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I’m actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

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164. “President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It’s a whole new Secret Service security thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

165. “I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, ‘Thanks, Bo Obama.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

166. “There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot.”

— Jimmy Fallon

167. “Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.”

— Jimmy Fallon

168. “In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she’s not qualified to be President?”

— Jimmy Fallon

169. “Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

170. “There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

171. “People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

172. “In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

173. “Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

174. “According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

175. “I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

176. “One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

177. “There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

178. “Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”

— Jimmy Fallon

179. “Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.”

— Jimmy Fallon

180. “Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven’t seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.”

— Jimmy Fallon

181. “This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.”

— Jimmy Fallon

182. “President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.”

— Jimmy Fallon

183. “Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, ‘wined and dined’ by executives. Then Chris Christie said, ‘And I am also not running to be wined.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

184. “Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

185. “Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.”

— Jimmy Fallon

186. “Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

— Jimmy Fallon

187. “Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”

— Jimmy Fallon

188. “Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”

— Jimmy Fallon

189. “President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

190. “In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

191. “Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars.”

— Jimmy Fallon

192. “According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, ‘Actually I just made that poll up.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

193. “The White House is worried about Joe Biden’s potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn’t have the right outcome. That’s right, they think he might win.”

— Jimmy Fallon

194. “I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.”

— Jimmy Fallon

195. “Newt Gingrich plans to announce his campaign for president this Wednesday. I don’t know about his chances. I mean, I’m not saying Gingrich peaked in the ’90s, but his campaign is being sponsored by Tamagotchis and Crystal Pepsi.”

— Jimmy Fallon

196. “President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, ‘You can be whatever you want to be,’ while Romney was like, ‘I can be whatever you want me to be.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

197. “The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.”

— Jimmy Fallon

198. “A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.”

— Jimmy Fallon

199. “A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

200. “There’s a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.”

— Jimmy Fallon