Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2026 Update)
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151. “After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They’re hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian’s next photo shoot.”

— Jimmy Fallon

152. “Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.”

— Jimmy Fallon

153. “There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.”

— Jimmy Fallon

154. “Despite Russia’s move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia’s economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.”

— Jimmy Fallon

155. “The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

156. “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.”

— Jimmy Fallon

157. “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

158. “A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

159. “The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.”

— Jimmy Fallon

160. “According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.”

— Jimmy Fallon

161. “I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.”

— Jimmy Fallon

162. “Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be ‘the greatest jobs president that God ever created.’ Then God said, ‘Hey, don’t drag me into this publicity stunt.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

163. “During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.”

— Jimmy Fallon

164. “Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

165. “The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.”

— Jimmy Fallon

166. “President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.”

— Jimmy Fallon

167. “Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.”

— Jimmy Fallon

168. “Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven’t seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.”

— Jimmy Fallon

169. “This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.”

— Jimmy Fallon

170. “President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.”

— Jimmy Fallon

171. “Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, ‘wined and dined’ by executives. Then Chris Christie said, ‘And I am also not running to be wined.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

172. “Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

173. “Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.”

— Jimmy Fallon

174. “Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

— Jimmy Fallon

175. “Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”

— Jimmy Fallon

176. “Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”

— Jimmy Fallon

177. “President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

178. “In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

179. “In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she’s not qualified to be President?”

— Jimmy Fallon

180. “I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.”

— Jimmy Fallon

181. “Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

182. “There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

183. “People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

184. “In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

185. “Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

186. “According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

187. “I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

188. “One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

189. “There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

190. “Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”

— Jimmy Fallon

191. “This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, ‘Whichever comes first.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

192. “The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.”

— Jimmy Fallon

193. “Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, ‘And that’s coming from ME!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

194. “Regis Philbin’s back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.’ But because of Obama’s tax plan, it’s been re-titled ‘Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

195. “I don’t shoot guns. I don’t know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.”

— Jimmy Fallon

196. “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That’s right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!”

— Jimmy Fallon

197. “Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

198. “An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said ‘Close, but no cigar.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

199. “They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called ‘Southside With You,’ and the producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I’m not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.”

— Jimmy Fallon

200. “After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?’”

— Jimmy Fallon