Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.”

— Jimmy Fallon

152. “A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama’s former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.”

— Jimmy Fallon

153. “According to a new report, since he’s been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I’m actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.”

— Jimmy Fallon

154. “During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was ‘Boyhood.’ It makes sense. If there’s one thing Obama can identify with, it’s aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.”

— Jimmy Fallon

155. “Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn’t get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, ‘Thank you?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

156. “In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he added, ‘But he does know what he’s talking about.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

157. “Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.”

— Jimmy Fallon

158. “President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It’s a whole new Secret Service security thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

159. “The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.”

— Jimmy Fallon

160. “I’m on so late I’m definitely the last seconds of anyone’s attention. So I just want to give them something dumb to laugh at, so they go, ‘That’s funny,’ then fall asleep.”

— Jimmy Fallon

161. “The Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does.”

— Jimmy Fallon

162. “President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.”

— Jimmy Fallon

163. “The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, ‘Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

164. “I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.”

— Jimmy Fallon

165. “The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who’ve been outside today said, ‘Sounds good to me. Let’s accelerate that global warming.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

166. “President Obama had beer with four unemployed construction workers. And Obama asked the guys what was it like to lose their jobs, and they were like, ‘Oh, you’ll see.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

167. “Thinking about all that – what it means to be happy – I think it overloaded your brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

168. “Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.”

— Jimmy Fallon

169. “Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.”

— Jimmy Fallon

170. “According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

171. “Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.”

— Jimmy Fallon

172. “Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven’t seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.”

— Jimmy Fallon

173. “This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don’t get too excited. It’s mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through.”

— Jimmy Fallon

174. “In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she’s not qualified to be President?”

— Jimmy Fallon

175. “I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.”

— Jimmy Fallon

176. “In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, ‘fired up the crazies.’ Not to be confused with Trump’s show ‘Celebrity Apprentice,’ where he just FIRED the crazies.”

— Jimmy Fallon

177. “One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a ‘phantom candidate’ that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, ‘Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

178. “There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea’s highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

179. “Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, ‘wined and dined’ by executives. Then Chris Christie said, ‘And I am also not running to be wined.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

180. “There couldn’t have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It’s beyond baseball. It’s rooting for your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

181. “People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, ‘Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

182. “Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.”

— Jimmy Fallon

183. “I’d do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson’s ‘Beat It.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

184. “Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.”

— Jimmy Fallon

185. “President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there’s anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that’s driving him insane, it’s Obama.”

— Jimmy Fallon

186. “In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, ‘Hillary’s going to do great.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

187. “Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.”

— Jimmy Fallon

188. “Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, ‘I like people that weren’t captured.’ Not good. In fact, Trump’s people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.”

— Jimmy Fallon

189. “Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.”

— Jimmy Fallon

190. “Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation’s security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.”

— Jimmy Fallon

191. “New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.”

— Jimmy Fallon

192. “Sources say the Obama administration is in the ‘final stages’ of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it’s gonna work is, they’re going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.”

— Jimmy Fallon

193. “Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like ‘Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

194. “Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to ‘be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.’ And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.”

— Jimmy Fallon

195. “Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to ‘life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

196. “I don’t shoot guns. I don’t know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.”

— Jimmy Fallon

197. “This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, ‘Whichever comes first.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

198. “The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.”

— Jimmy Fallon

199. “Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds – or around 12 American dollars.”

— Jimmy Fallon

200. “Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.”

— Jimmy Fallon