Top 300 Jimmy Fallon Quotes (2024 Update)
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251. “Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.”

— Jimmy Fallon

252. “I’m so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I’m a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.”

— Jimmy Fallon

253. “The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, ‘Time to party like it’s 1939!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

254. “After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that ‘Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.’ While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.”

— Jimmy Fallon

255. “When I was a kid, you would tune in to ‘The Tonight Show’ before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it’s a privilege of mine to be able to be in people’s homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.”

— Jimmy Fallon

256. “Researchers in Canada say they have discovered the part of the brain that is used to make decisions, and this is weird: If you’re married, it’s actually located in your wife’s brain.”

— Jimmy Fallon

257. “Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn’t made up his mind about whether he’ll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: ‘Who was raising that question?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

258. “Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica’s such a beautiful place, Obama says he can’t wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.”

— Jimmy Fallon

259. “Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to ‘unlock their full potential,’ because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, ‘You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!’ And Hillary said, ‘Yes we can!’”

— Jimmy Fallon

260. “Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.”

— Jimmy Fallon

261. “President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, ‘Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

262. “Mike Huckabee said he’s the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.”

— Jimmy Fallon

263. “This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.”

— Jimmy Fallon

264. “Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in ‘theater.’ Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in ‘Spider-Man: the Musical.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

265. “It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn’t really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, ‘We have your search history. Do what we tell you.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

266. “Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you’re keeping score, that’s robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.”

— Jimmy Fallon

267. “A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say ‘anyone but Donald Trump.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

268. “Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he’s nervous, Obama said, ‘Oh, I’m not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

269. “Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.”

— Jimmy Fallon

270. “A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.”

— Jimmy Fallon

271. “Another scandal for Hillary Clinton – they’re saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn’t archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, ‘Don’t worry, we saw them. We see everyone’s emails.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

272. “Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she’s very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I’ve got to get into that Oval Office.”

— Jimmy Fallon

273. “There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term – because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.”

— Jimmy Fallon

274. “John Walker Lindh, a twenty-year-old American studying in Pakistan, was captured in Northern Afghanistan fighting for the Taliban. Experts call it the worst semester abroad program ever.”

— Jimmy Fallon

275. “A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.”

— Jimmy Fallon

276. “This morning my dad called me up and said, ‘So, tonight’s your last show, huh.’ And I said, ‘No, Dad, that’s someone else.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

277. “President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen.”

— Jimmy Fallon

278. “One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.”

— Jimmy Fallon

279. “Trump is running for president and he’s wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush’s birth certificate.”

— Jimmy Fallon

280. “Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, ‘Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

281. “Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.”

— Jimmy Fallon

282. “In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.”

— Jimmy Fallon

283. “I never sing in the shower. It’s very dangerous.”

— Jimmy Fallon

284. “President Obama unveiled a $4 trillion budget for 2016 that would increase taxes on the wealthy and spend more money on education. He also made a snowball and put it in the oven, just to see which would last longer, his budget or the snowball.”

— Jimmy Fallon

285. “During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, ‘The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.’ Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, ‘No it’s not.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

286. “You’re sitting there, with your wife and your baby and your smiling dog, and you’re watching Real Housewives getting into fistfights on TV. And you go, ‘How great is my life? I’m so happy right now.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

287. “In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton ‘easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.’ When asked what he based that on, Trump said, ‘I heard ME say it just now. So it’s gotta be true.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

288. “Seek, and you shall be disappointed. Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.”

— Jimmy Fallon

289. “The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That’s like someone running over your dog and saying, ‘Don’t worry, my car is fine.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

290. “Today President Obama gave a major speech where he defended his handling of the economy. And there were tons of people in the audience, you know, since nobody had to be at work.”

— Jimmy Fallon

291. “Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.”

— Jimmy Fallon

292. “A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that’s not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. ‘Hillary Clinton? She’s a cop?’”

— Jimmy Fallon

293. “Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has ‘come around’ to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there’s anything that says you’re qualified to be president, it’s your own mom saying, ‘I guess you could do it.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

294. “Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won’t even remember them.”

— Jimmy Fallon

295. “Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they’ll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, ‘I didn’t even know they were dating.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

296. “The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.”

— Jimmy Fallon

297. “Sandler’s always good. Tom Hanks gave me some good advice.”

— Jimmy Fallon

298. “The film ‘Boyhood’ won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy’s journey over the course of 12 years – or as Mitt Romney calls that, ‘running for president.’”

— Jimmy Fallon

299. “God invented mankind because he loved silly stories. Ralph Steadman I like being absurd.”

— Jimmy Fallon

300. “At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, ‘Good!’”

— Jimmy Fallon