Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2023 Update)
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51. “You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.””

— Mitch Hedberg

52. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””

— Mitch Hedberg

53. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

— Mitch Hedberg

54. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

55. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”

— Mitch Hedberg

56. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

— Mitch Hedberg

57. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!”

— Mitch Hedberg

58. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”

— Mitch Hedberg

59. “I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

— Mitch Hedberg

60. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

— Mitch Hedberg

61. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”

— Mitch Hedberg

62. “If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”

— Mitch Hedberg

63. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”

— Mitch Hedberg

64. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

65. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

— Mitch Hedberg

66. “I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg

67. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””

— Mitch Hedberg

68. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

69. “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

— Mitch Hedberg

70. “I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky – “I’ve got this one, don’t worry.” So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.”

— Mitch Hedberg

71. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

72. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg

73. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””

— Mitch Hedberg

74. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””

— Mitch Hedberg

75. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”

— Mitch Hedberg

76. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

— Mitch Hedberg

77. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

— Mitch Hedberg

78. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

— Mitch Hedberg

79. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

— Mitch Hedberg

80. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”

— Mitch Hedberg

81. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

82. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

83. “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

— Mitch Hedberg

84. “I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

— Mitch Hedberg

85. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

— Mitch Hedberg

86. “A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”

— Mitch Hedberg

87. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””

— Mitch Hedberg

88. “I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.”

— Mitch Hedberg

89. “I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.”

— Mitch Hedberg

90. “The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”

— Mitch Hedberg

91. “Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

— Mitch Hedberg

92. “I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.””

— Mitch Hedberg

93. “If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.””

— Mitch Hedberg

94. “I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””

— Mitch Hedberg

95. “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

96. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

— Mitch Hedberg

97. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

— Mitch Hedberg

98. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

99. “I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”

— Mitch Hedberg

100. “Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”

— Mitch Hedberg