Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

52. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

53. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

54. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

55. “I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg

56. “I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.””

— Mitch Hedberg

57. “As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em.”

— Mitch Hedberg

58. “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

— Mitch Hedberg

59. “I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?””

— Mitch Hedberg

60. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

61. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg

62. “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?””

— Mitch Hedberg

63. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

— Mitch Hedberg

64. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”

— Mitch Hedberg

65. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

66. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””

— Mitch Hedberg

67. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

— Mitch Hedberg

68. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”

— Mitch Hedberg

69. “I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””

— Mitch Hedberg

70. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”

— Mitch Hedberg

71. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

72. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

— Mitch Hedberg

73. “I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

— Mitch Hedberg

74. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

— Mitch Hedberg

75. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”

— Mitch Hedberg

76. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”

— Mitch Hedberg

77. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

— Mitch Hedberg

78. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

79. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”

— Mitch Hedberg

80. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

— Mitch Hedberg

81. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””

— Mitch Hedberg

82. “One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

83. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

84. “I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!”

— Mitch Hedberg

85. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””

— Mitch Hedberg

86. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

— Mitch Hedberg

87. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””

— Mitch Hedberg

88. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

— Mitch Hedberg

89. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

— Mitch Hedberg

90. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

91. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

92. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””

— Mitch Hedberg

93. “I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

— Mitch Hedberg

94. “Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

— Mitch Hedberg

95. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

— Mitch Hedberg

96. “I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.”

— Mitch Hedberg

97. “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

— Mitch Hedberg

98. “A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”

— Mitch Hedberg

99. “I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.”

— Mitch Hedberg

100. “I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.””

— Mitch Hedberg