Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg

52. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””

— Mitch Hedberg

53. “As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can’t be like pancakes. You’re all happy at first, but then by the end, you’re sick of ’em.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Featured in: Strong Quotes

54. “I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.””

— Mitch Hedberg

55. “I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?””

— Mitch Hedberg

56. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

— Mitch Hedberg

57. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

58. “I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?”

— Mitch Hedberg

59. “If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

60. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

61. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

— Mitch Hedberg

62. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”

— Mitch Hedberg

63. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

— Mitch Hedberg

64. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

65. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!””

— Mitch Hedberg

66. “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”

— Mitch Hedberg

67. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”

— Mitch Hedberg

68. “I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

69. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

70. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

71. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.”

— Mitch Hedberg

72. “One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

73. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

74. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

75. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg

76. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”

— Mitch Hedberg

77. “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?””

— Mitch Hedberg

78. “I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””

— Mitch Hedberg

79. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””

— Mitch Hedberg

80. “I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

— Mitch Hedberg

81. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

82. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”

— Mitch Hedberg

83. “I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.”

— Mitch Hedberg

84. “I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.””

— Mitch Hedberg

85. “If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”

— Mitch Hedberg

86. “A fly was very close to being called a land, because that’s what it does half the time.”

— Mitch Hedberg

87. “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

— Mitch Hedberg

88. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

89. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

— Mitch Hedberg

90. “I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

— Mitch Hedberg

91. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

— Mitch Hedberg

92. “If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.””

— Mitch Hedberg

93. “I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”

— Mitch Hedberg

94. “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”

— Mitch Hedberg

95. “I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”

— Mitch Hedberg

96. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”

— Mitch Hedberg

97. “I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

98. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

— Mitch Hedberg

99. “Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”

— Mitch Hedberg

100. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg