Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!””

— Mitch Hedberg

52. “I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn’t have to make separations for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

53. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

— Mitch Hedberg

54. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”

— Mitch Hedberg

55. “If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”

— Mitch Hedberg

56. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

— Mitch Hedberg

57. “If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!””

— Mitch Hedberg

58. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!””

— Mitch Hedberg

59. “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”

— Mitch Hedberg

60. “I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

61. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

62. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

63. “I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg

64. “One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

65. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””

— Mitch Hedberg

66. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

67. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

68. “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

69. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg

70. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

— Mitch Hedberg

71. “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?””

— Mitch Hedberg

72. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”

— Mitch Hedberg

73. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””

— Mitch Hedberg

74. “I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””

— Mitch Hedberg

75. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”

— Mitch Hedberg

76. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

77. “I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

— Mitch Hedberg

78. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

— Mitch Hedberg

79. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

— Mitch Hedberg

80. “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”

— Mitch Hedberg

81. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”

— Mitch Hedberg

82. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”

— Mitch Hedberg

83. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

— Mitch Hedberg

84. “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!””

— Mitch Hedberg

85. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.”

— Mitch Hedberg

86. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

87. “People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”

— Mitch Hedberg

88. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

89. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”

— Mitch Hedberg

90. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

91. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

— Mitch Hedberg

92. “I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!”

— Mitch Hedberg

93. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

— Mitch Hedberg

94. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””

— Mitch Hedberg

95. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””

— Mitch Hedberg

96. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

— Mitch Hedberg

97. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

— Mitch Hedberg

98. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

99. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””

— Mitch Hedberg

100. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

— Mitch Hedberg