Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

— Mitch Hedberg

52. “If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!””

— Mitch Hedberg

53. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!””

— Mitch Hedberg

54. “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”

— Mitch Hedberg

55. “I cannot tell you what hotel I’m staying at, but there are two trees involved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

56. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

57. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

58. “All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

59. “I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.”

— Mitch Hedberg

60. “Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

— Mitch Hedberg

61. “I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, “What kind of cigars do you like?” I answered, “It’s a Boys.””

— Mitch Hedberg

62. “I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

63. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

— Mitch Hedberg

64. “I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

— Mitch Hedberg

65. “When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you’re a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That’s not fair. That’s like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I’m a really good cook, they’d say, “OK, you’re a cook. Can you farm?””

— Mitch Hedberg

66. “I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.”

— Mitch Hedberg

67. “I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!””

— Mitch Hedberg

68. “I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. “Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?” “Yeah, I did, and you know what – that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!””

— Mitch Hedberg

69. “The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That’s a clever chocolate-saving technique.”

— Mitch Hedberg

70. “Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.”

— Mitch Hedberg

71. “Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!”

— Mitch Hedberg

72. “I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

73. “I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

— Mitch Hedberg

74. “I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

— Mitch Hedberg

75. “When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

— Mitch Hedberg

76. “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”

— Mitch Hedberg

77. “If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.”

— Mitch Hedberg

78. “I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It’d have to be real big.”

— Mitch Hedberg

79. “I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

— Mitch Hedberg

80. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.”

— Mitch Hedberg

81. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

82. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”

— Mitch Hedberg

83. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

84. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

— Mitch Hedberg

85. “One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

86. “I went to a tent store. “What kind of tent do you need?” “Circus.””

— Mitch Hedberg

87. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

88. “I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.”

— Mitch Hedberg

89. “I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!”

— Mitch Hedberg

90. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

— Mitch Hedberg

91. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””

— Mitch Hedberg

92. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””

— Mitch Hedberg

93. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

— Mitch Hedberg

94. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

— Mitch Hedberg

95. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

96. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””

— Mitch Hedberg

97. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

98. “Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

— Mitch Hedberg

99. “I have a “Do Not Disturb” sign on my hotel door. It’s time to go to “Don’t Disturb”. It’s been “Do Not” for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

— Mitch Hedberg

100. “If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.”

— Mitch Hedberg