Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

— Mitch Hedberg

102. “I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!”

— Mitch Hedberg

103. “If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.””

— Mitch Hedberg

104. “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

105. “I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.”

— Mitch Hedberg

106. “You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”

— Mitch Hedberg

107. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

108. “I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”

— Mitch Hedberg

109. “When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.”

— Mitch Hedberg

110. “Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”

— Mitch Hedberg

111. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

— Mitch Hedberg

112. “My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

— Mitch Hedberg

113. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

114. “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”

— Mitch Hedberg

115. “I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!””

— Mitch Hedberg

116. “That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”

— Mitch Hedberg

117. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

— Mitch Hedberg

118. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”

— Mitch Hedberg

119. “I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”

— Mitch Hedberg

120. “Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”

— Mitch Hedberg

121. “I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

122. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”

— Mitch Hedberg

123. “People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

— Mitch Hedberg

124. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.”

— Mitch Hedberg

125. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”

— Mitch Hedberg

126. “Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!””

— Mitch Hedberg

127. “I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

128. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

129. “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.”

— Mitch Hedberg

130. “People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”

— Mitch Hedberg

131. “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!””

— Mitch Hedberg

132. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

133. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

— Mitch Hedberg

134. “I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”

— Mitch Hedberg

135. “Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!””

— Mitch Hedberg

136. “Why are there no “during” pictures?”

— Mitch Hedberg

137. “Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.”

— Mitch Hedberg

138. “I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.”

— Mitch Hedberg

139. “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

— Mitch Hedberg

140. “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

— Mitch Hedberg

141. “There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!””

— Mitch Hedberg

142. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

143. “I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Screw that, I’ll just make a copy!””

— Mitch Hedberg

144. “I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.”

— Mitch Hedberg

145. “A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.”

— Mitch Hedberg

146. “I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.””

— Mitch Hedberg

147. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

148. “Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.”

— Mitch Hedberg

149. “You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

150. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

— Mitch Hedberg