Top 100

Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2024 Update)
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Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I get the Reese’s candy bar. You look at that, there’s an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, “Gimme that”, you better hand it over.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I’m a hard act to follow, because when I’m done, I take the microphone with me.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I can read minds, but I’m illiterate.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Why are there no “during” pictures?”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Screw that, I’ll just make a copy!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”
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