Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 3 of 7

101. “If I’m out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, “Say thanks!””

— Mitch Hedberg

102. “I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”

— Mitch Hedberg

103. “I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we’ll have lunch. If I’m lucky!”

— Mitch Hedberg

104. “People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”

— Mitch Hedberg

105. “If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

106. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

— Mitch Hedberg

107. “I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.”

— Mitch Hedberg

108. “I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.”

— Mitch Hedberg

109. “I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

110. “I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!”

— Mitch Hedberg

111. “I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...”

— Mitch Hedberg

112. “I’m sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It’s time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

— Mitch Hedberg

113. “I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don’t know why, that’s what they’re supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

— Mitch Hedberg

114. “I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.””

— Mitch Hedberg

115. “I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It’s ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. “You sound older!””

— Mitch Hedberg

116. “Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

— Mitch Hedberg

117. “I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i’ll say something and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll still be like what, so now he’s got me yellin. Man that tree is far away.”

— Mitch Hedberg

118. “Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.”

— Mitch Hedberg

119. “There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose – “You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this.” Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I’m going to make you hard to reach. “Think like a cactus!””

— Mitch Hedberg

120. “Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

121. “A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.”

— Mitch Hedberg

122. “I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That’s like I wrote a joke that didn’t work, but now I have to tell it for a year.”

— Mitch Hedberg

123. “I did a radio interview; the DJ’s first question was “Who are you?” I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

— Mitch Hedberg

124. “My manager said, “Don’t use liquor as a crutch!” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

— Mitch Hedberg

125. “I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.”

— Mitch Hedberg

126. “I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.”

— Mitch Hedberg

127. “I don’t want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop”!”

— Mitch Hedberg

128. “Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

129. “Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”

— Mitch Hedberg

130. “You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”

— Mitch Hedberg

131. “When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.”

— Mitch Hedberg

132. “That would be cool if the earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”

— Mitch Hedberg

133. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

134. “I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.”

— Mitch Hedberg

135. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

— Mitch Hedberg

136. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way.”

— Mitch Hedberg

137. “I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You’re like, “Crap! I wish I hadn’t seen Ricky on the sidewalk!””

— Mitch Hedberg

138. “I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.”

— Mitch Hedberg

139. “I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

— Mitch Hedberg

140. “Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!””

— Mitch Hedberg

141. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.”

— Mitch Hedberg

142. “People think I’m into sports because I’m a man. But I’m not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that’s about as far as it goes. By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

— Mitch Hedberg

143. “I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

144. “They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!””

— Mitch Hedberg

145. “I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!””

— Mitch Hedberg

146. “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”

— Mitch Hedberg

147. “Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!””

— Mitch Hedberg

148. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

— Mitch Hedberg

149. “I thought I’d go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there – “Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize”. Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I’ll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”

— Mitch Hedberg

150. “Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.”

— Mitch Hedberg