Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”

— Mitch Hedberg

252. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

253. “I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

— Mitch Hedberg

254. “I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

255. “I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

— Mitch Hedberg

256. “I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend.” So I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

257. “I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.”

— Mitch Hedberg

258. “I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.”

— Mitch Hedberg

259. “I like Kinko’s, because they’re open 24 hours. If it’s 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I’m covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, “Oh, yeah. Kinko’s. No problem. That will not remain singular.””

— Mitch Hedberg

260. “I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!””

— Mitch Hedberg

261. “I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

— Mitch Hedberg

262. “Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”

— Mitch Hedberg

263. “The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this.” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.””

— Mitch Hedberg

264. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”

— Mitch Hedberg

265. “I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.”

— Mitch Hedberg

266. “I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

— Mitch Hedberg

267. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?”

— Mitch Hedberg

268. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”

— Mitch Hedberg

269. “When you’re doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That’s the worst method. You’re up here, and then you see a floating candle. “Oh, no! This place is haunted!” I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.”

— Mitch Hedberg

270. “A lot of bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary”. We weren’t that intense, we called ourselves “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella” when we were walking out of the pawn shop.”

— Mitch Hedberg

271. “One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”

— Mitch Hedberg

272. “Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!”

— Mitch Hedberg

273. “XM radio doesn’t have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I’m like, “What should I buy?””

— Mitch Hedberg

274. “I don’t think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don’t think it has for a long time. There’s some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they’re not a name, they don’t attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.”

— Mitch Hedberg

275. “I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They’ve got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.”

— Mitch Hedberg

276. “The customer’s always right.”

— Mitch Hedberg

277. “A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!””

— Mitch Hedberg

278. “Then let’s print up some flyers!”

— Mitch Hedberg

279. “I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

— Mitch Hedberg

280. “I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.”

— Mitch Hedberg

281. “I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. “Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?” “That one, and every one on the bottom row!””

— Mitch Hedberg

282. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

— Mitch Hedberg

283. “I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”

— Mitch Hedberg

284. “I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers! I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates!”

— Mitch Hedberg

285. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

286. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

— Mitch Hedberg

287. “I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away – “Knock knock – Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?””

— Mitch Hedberg

288. “I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”

— Mitch Hedberg

289. “I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, “Pass the salt.” I said, “Screw you! Sit closer to the salt.””

— Mitch Hedberg

290. “Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

291. “I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

292. “When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don’t want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.”

— Mitch Hedberg

293. “I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”

— Mitch Hedberg

294. “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...”

— Mitch Hedberg

295. “I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.”

— Mitch Hedberg

296. “Come on ‘long prosperous life!’”

— Mitch Hedberg

297. “We don’t have to fix anything.”

— Mitch Hedberg

298. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

— Mitch Hedberg

299. “I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.”

— Mitch Hedberg

300. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”

— Mitch Hedberg