Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, “Screw that, I’ll just make a copy!””

— Mitch Hedberg

152. “I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.””

— Mitch Hedberg

153. “A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.”

— Mitch Hedberg

154. “I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

— Mitch Hedberg

155. “Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.”

— Mitch Hedberg

156. “You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it’s nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy’s not being invaded. But there’s nothing like walking back into a clean room. You’ve got to remember that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

157. “I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...”

— Mitch Hedberg

158. “If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold. I guess I could lick it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

159. “I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.”

— Mitch Hedberg

160. “If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

— Mitch Hedberg

161. “I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What’s that you’re wearing? That’s sizzlin’!”

— Mitch Hedberg

162. “I was going to stay overnight at my friend’s house – he said, “you’ll have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! You don’t know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

163. “Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don’t do it. One day I’m gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That’s ridiculous, but it’s true. I always fight with wearing a beret.”

— Mitch Hedberg

164. “I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i’ll say something and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll be like what, and i’ll say it again and he’ll still be like what, so now he’s got me yellin. Man that tree is far away.”

— Mitch Hedberg

165. “I like those blow-up beds. “This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!” Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. “Yeah, but you can store this thing.” You can store a bed, too – in the bedroom.”

— Mitch Hedberg

166. “I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over!””

— Mitch Hedberg

167. “Every picture of you is when you were younger.”

— Mitch Hedberg

168. “I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”

— Mitch Hedberg

169. “I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul’s.”

— Mitch Hedberg

170. “I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.”

— Mitch Hedberg

171. “If you’re watching a parade, don’t follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”

— Mitch Hedberg

172. “My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”

— Mitch Hedberg

173. “I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider’s point of view, it looks like I’ve got it all wrong.”

— Mitch Hedberg

174. “I’ve always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That’s not a full joke there! It’s filler.”

— Mitch Hedberg

175. “The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.””

— Mitch Hedberg

176. “I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I’m really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can’t guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

— Mitch Hedberg

177. “If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”

— Mitch Hedberg

178. “Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman’s horse, you would be very confused. “I don’t think this dude can see.””

— Mitch Hedberg

179. “I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It’s like “I ain’t going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!””

— Mitch Hedberg

180. “When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, “Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!””

— Mitch Hedberg

181. “It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.”

— Mitch Hedberg

182. “I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

— Mitch Hedberg

183. “How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That’s magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.”

— Mitch Hedberg

184. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

— Mitch Hedberg

185. “You know crazy straws – they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, “we’re going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He’s crazy.””

— Mitch Hedberg

186. “I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”

— Mitch Hedberg

187. “If I was a locksmith, I’d be pimping that out man. I’ll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.”

— Mitch Hedberg

188. “I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That’s simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? “Yeah, but they’re comfortable!””

— Mitch Hedberg

189. “I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.”

— Mitch Hedberg

190. “I’ve never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! “Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.””

— Mitch Hedberg

191. “Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”

— Mitch Hedberg

192. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where’s my wallet But, hey this song is funky...”

— Mitch Hedberg

193. “We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for “add sugar to”.”

— Mitch Hedberg

194. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”

— Mitch Hedberg

195. “I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”

— Mitch Hedberg

196. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

— Mitch Hedberg

197. “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

— Mitch Hedberg

198. “A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he’s afflicted, but I’m not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I’d get all mad. “Come on, man, there has to be more to that story.””

— Mitch Hedberg

199. “Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they’re really doing is saying, “I can’t knit, get this away from me!””

— Mitch Hedberg

200. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”

— Mitch Hedberg