Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I have a friend who is a juggler. If I’m at his house, I don’t like to take food from him, if it’s in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can’t have one. I wouldn’t want to screw up his practice routine.”

— Mitch Hedberg

202. “Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.”

— Mitch Hedberg

203. “Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad. Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying – they think I’m just reacting.”

— Mitch Hedberg

204. “I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

— Mitch Hedberg

205. “People who smoke cigarettes, they say “You don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to start flossing.”

— Mitch Hedberg

206. “My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

— Mitch Hedberg

207. “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

208. “They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!””

— Mitch Hedberg

209. “At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

— Mitch Hedberg

210. “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”

— Mitch Hedberg

211. “I like to wear a “Do Not Disturb” sign around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. “Hey, how ya doin’? Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!””

— Mitch Hedberg

212. “I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!””

— Mitch Hedberg

213. “I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”

— Mitch Hedberg

214. “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”

— Mitch Hedberg

215. “I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”

— Mitch Hedberg

216. “When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”

— Mitch Hedberg

217. “If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.”

— Mitch Hedberg

218. “Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone’s door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe’s home, knock on wood!””

— Mitch Hedberg

219. “I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”

— Mitch Hedberg

220. “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”

— Mitch Hedberg

221. “I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!”

— Mitch Hedberg

222. “When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”

— Mitch Hedberg

223. “I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”

— Mitch Hedberg

224. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”

— Mitch Hedberg

225. “Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.”

— Mitch Hedberg

226. “I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

227. “I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”

— Mitch Hedberg

228. “2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.”

— Mitch Hedberg

229. “I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!””

— Mitch Hedberg

230. “I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”

— Mitch Hedberg

231. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

— Mitch Hedberg

232. “I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”

— Mitch Hedberg

233. “When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.”

— Mitch Hedberg

234. “I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.”

— Mitch Hedberg

235. “My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”

— Mitch Hedberg

236. “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

— Mitch Hedberg

237. “I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.””

— Mitch Hedberg

238. “I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.”

— Mitch Hedberg

239. “It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.”

— Mitch Hedberg

240. “As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. “How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”

— Mitch Hedberg

241. “I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

— Mitch Hedberg

242. “My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

— Mitch Hedberg

243. “I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, “Don’t even worry about snakes anymore”. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, “Lay down!””

— Mitch Hedberg

244. “My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn”. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn”. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.”

— Mitch Hedberg

245. “Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.”

— Mitch Hedberg

246. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”

— Mitch Hedberg

247. “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

248. “I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”

— Mitch Hedberg

249. “I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

— Mitch Hedberg

250. “I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.”

— Mitch Hedberg