Top 100

Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2023 Update)
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Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. “Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I like to wear a “Do Not Disturb” sign around my neck so that little kids can’t tell me knock-knock jokes. “Hey, how ya doin’? Knock-knock.” “Read the sign, punk!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My roommate says, “I’m going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “We’re gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for “add sugar to”.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me. I think they’re trying to make me late for something.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “If you want to talk to me after the show, I’d be surprised.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It’s like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say “tomatoes”, then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine 5 years from now saying, “Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I have a friend who is a juggler. If I’m at his house, I don’t like to take food from him, if it’s in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can’t have one. I wouldn’t want to screw up his practice routine.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. Because they’re grouper fish.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, “Don’t even worry about snakes anymore”. My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, “Lay down!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone’s door to see if someone was home. “I hope Joe’s home, knock on wood!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That’s why 2 was created.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name “Lynn”. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too, but she spells it “Lyn”. Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name, and she can tell because I don’t say “n” as long.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It’s the only cheese I can bite into and miss.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I’ve got a wallet, it’s orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn’t make any sense at all.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I’m really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can’t guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. “How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!” That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. “Sir, you forgot this.” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.””
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it’s in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’”
Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”
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