Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

— Mitch Hedberg

2. “I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.”

— Mitch Hedberg

3. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”

— Mitch Hedberg

4. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

— Mitch Hedberg

5. “Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. “Cheeseburgers?” “Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.””

— Mitch Hedberg

6. “A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.”

— Mitch Hedberg

7. “I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, “What?” So I say it again, and he says, “What?” Really, it’s just some insignificant stuff I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, “That tree is far away!””

— Mitch Hedberg

8. “Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!”

— Mitch Hedberg

9. “I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

— Mitch Hedberg

10. “They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.”

— Mitch Hedberg

11. “Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

12. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

— Mitch Hedberg

13. “I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!’”

— Mitch Hedberg

14. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.’”

— Mitch Hedberg

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15. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

— Mitch Hedberg

16. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

17. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

— Mitch Hedberg

18. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”

— Mitch Hedberg

19. “This one commercial said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers.” So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were!”

— Mitch Hedberg

20. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

— Mitch Hedberg

21. “A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.””

— Mitch Hedberg

22. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait”.”

— Mitch Hedberg

23. “I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.”

— Mitch Hedberg

24. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!”

— Mitch Hedberg

25. “I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.”

— Mitch Hedberg

26. “Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

— Mitch Hedberg

27. “I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.”

— Mitch Hedberg

28. “A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.”

— Mitch Hedberg

29. “Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”

— Mitch Hedberg

30. “I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying “We don’t have to fix anything.””

— Mitch Hedberg

31. “I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.”

— Mitch Hedberg

32. “The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”

— Mitch Hedberg

33. “One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like’”

— Mitch Hedberg

34. “When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.”

— Mitch Hedberg

35. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.”

— Mitch Hedberg

36. “I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.”

— Mitch Hedberg

37. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

— Mitch Hedberg

38. “I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say “E”, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says “E”, I get all cocky – “I’ve got this one, don’t worry.” So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.”

— Mitch Hedberg

39. “If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.”

— Mitch Hedberg

40. “I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?”

— Mitch Hedberg

41. “If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.”

— Mitch Hedberg

42. “I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.”

— Mitch Hedberg

43. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. “Well, I was lost, but now I live here!””

— Mitch Hedberg

44. “You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. “This is what happened once.””

— Mitch Hedberg

45. “If you’re a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.”

— Mitch Hedberg

46. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!”

— Mitch Hedberg

47. “If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”

— Mitch Hedberg

48. “If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, “Hey – maybe a killer is after you!””

— Mitch Hedberg

49. “I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, “Doesn’t wine give you a headache?” “Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!””

— Mitch Hedberg

50. “Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?”

— Mitch Hedberg