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Top 300 Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2025 Update)
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Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

301. “I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

302. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

303. “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.”

304. “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, “I hope he’s happy again.””

305. “I like it when people come to see me again, but you end up playing to that person only. You know there’s other people out there, but you also know that the person who came to see you again is there. You’re like, “I hope he’s happy again.””

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. “Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!””

306. “I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. “Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!””

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Earlier I’ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.”

307. “Earlier I’ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I’ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn’t understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, “This is what I’m doing for sure.” I was so excited.”

308. “I’ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn’t understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, “This is what I’m doing for sure.” I was so excited.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

309. “I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

310. “Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg Quote: “I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.”

311. “I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Motivational Quotes

Motivational Quotes

Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes

Inspirational Entrepreneurship Quotes

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Motivational Quotes

Motivational Quotes

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ENTREPRENEURSHIP BUSINESS INSPIRATIONAL

Positive Quotes

Positive Quotes

Albert Einstein Quotes

Albert Einstein Quotes

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Steve Jobs Quotes

Steve Jobs Quotes

ENTREPRENEURSHIP BUSINESS APPLE

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Inspirational Quotes

COURAGE MOTIVATIONAL STRENGTH

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