Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.”

— Phyllis Diller

52. “If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’”

— Phyllis Diller

53. “My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.”

— Phyllis Diller

54. “The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”

— Phyllis Diller

55. “My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”

— Phyllis Diller

56. “My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.”

— Phyllis Diller

57. “Religion is such a medieval idea. Don’t get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can’t buy any of it.”

— Phyllis Diller

58. “If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.”

— Phyllis Diller

59. “My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.”

— Phyllis Diller

60. “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

— Phyllis Diller

61. “I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”

— Phyllis Diller

62. “Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.”

— Phyllis Diller

63. “Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.”

— Phyllis Diller

64. “When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That’s why I still take the pill; I don’t want any more grandchildren.”

— Phyllis Diller

65. “Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”

— Phyllis Diller

66. “By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”

— Phyllis Diller

67. “Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.”

— Phyllis Diller

68. “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

— Phyllis Diller

69. “It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”

— Phyllis Diller

70. “You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.”

— Phyllis Diller

71. “Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.”

— Phyllis Diller

72. “Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.”

— Phyllis Diller

73. “I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.”

— Phyllis Diller

74. “Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.”

— Phyllis Diller

75. “My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

— Phyllis Diller

76. “Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.”

— Phyllis Diller

77. “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”

— Phyllis Diller

78. “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.”

— Phyllis Diller

79. “On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn’t have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.”

— Phyllis Diller

80. “My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”

— Phyllis Diller

81. “We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”

— Phyllis Diller

82. “My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.”

— Phyllis Diller

83. “My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

— Phyllis Diller

84. “I’d love to slit my mother-in-law’s corsets and watch her spread to death.”

— Phyllis Diller

85. “Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”

— Phyllis Diller

86. “Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.”

— Phyllis Diller

87. “Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.”

— Phyllis Diller

88. “Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.”

— Phyllis Diller

89. “I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”

— Phyllis Diller

90. “The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.”

— Phyllis Diller

91. “Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.”

— Phyllis Diller

92. “This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.”

— Phyllis Diller

93. “If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.”

— Phyllis Diller

94. “I don’t like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”

— Phyllis Diller

95. “I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.”

— Phyllis Diller

96. “I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.”

— Phyllis Diller

97. “If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.”

— Phyllis Diller

98. “I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”

— Phyllis Diller

99. “My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.”

— Phyllis Diller

100. “For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.”

— Phyllis Diller