Top 100

Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2023 Update)
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Phyllis Diller Quote: “My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Religion is such a medieval idea. Don’t get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can’t buy any of it.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If it weren’t for my adam’s apple, I’d have no shape at all.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That’s why I still take the pill; I don’t want any more grandchildren.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven’t been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn’t have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’d love to slit my mother-in-law’s corsets and watch her spread to death.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, ‘I’ll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,’ never ends in a hug and a kiss.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I don’t like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.”
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