Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, “You must develop some mechanical skills – like getting out of bed.””

— Phyllis Diller

152. “When I go to bed at night, I’ve got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.”

— Phyllis Diller

153. “Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.”

— Phyllis Diller

154. “Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.”

— Phyllis Diller

155. “Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.”

— Phyllis Diller

156. “I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.”

— Phyllis Diller

157. “It’s a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.”

— Phyllis Diller

158. “When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.”

— Phyllis Diller

159. “The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.”

— Phyllis Diller

160. “You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!”

— Phyllis Diller

161. “Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.”

— Phyllis Diller

162. “I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.”

— Phyllis Diller

163. “Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.”

— Phyllis Diller

164. “Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.”

— Phyllis Diller

165. “My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.”

— Phyllis Diller

166. “I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.”

— Phyllis Diller

167. “Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

— Phyllis Diller

168. “Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.”

— Phyllis Diller

169. “No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they’re early, so naturally you’re not ready.”

— Phyllis Diller

170. “I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.”

— Phyllis Diller

171. “You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.”

— Phyllis Diller

172. “It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.”

— Phyllis Diller

173. “Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.”

— Phyllis Diller

174. “I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.”

— Phyllis Diller

175. “It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.”

— Phyllis Diller

176. “Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.”

— Phyllis Diller

177. “Once my husband said to me, ‘I’m going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?’ I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth.”

— Phyllis Diller

178. “I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

— Phyllis Diller

179. “My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.”

— Phyllis Diller

180. “Isn’t my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I’m wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink.”

— Phyllis Diller

181. “All I ever learned at my mother’s knee was what a bony knee looked like.”

— Phyllis Diller

182. “A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

— Phyllis Diller

183. “Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?”

— Phyllis Diller