Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 3 of 4

101. “Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”

— Phyllis Diller

102. “There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

— Phyllis Diller

103. “My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”

— Phyllis Diller

104. “I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”

— Phyllis Diller

105. “I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.”

— Phyllis Diller

106. “A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”

— Phyllis Diller

107. “I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

— Phyllis Diller

108. “Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream – I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one.”

— Phyllis Diller

109. “His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

— Phyllis Diller

110. “Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.”

— Phyllis Diller

111. “My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.”

— Phyllis Diller

112. “Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.”

— Phyllis Diller

113. “I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”

— Phyllis Diller

114. “Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.”

— Phyllis Diller

115. “I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

— Phyllis Diller

116. “I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.”

— Phyllis Diller

117. “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.”

— Phyllis Diller

118. “Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

— Phyllis Diller

119. “It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.”

— Phyllis Diller

120. “I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you’ll ever have!”

— Phyllis Diller

121. “If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.”

— Phyllis Diller

122. “In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.”

— Phyllis Diller

123. “Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.”

— Phyllis Diller

124. “Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”

— Phyllis Diller

125. “Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.”

— Phyllis Diller

126. “This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.”

— Phyllis Diller

127. “My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.”

— Phyllis Diller

128. “You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!”

— Phyllis Diller

129. “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

— Phyllis Diller

130. “Do I believe in Witchcraft? I’m the result of it.”

— Phyllis Diller

131. “I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.”

— Phyllis Diller

132. “Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.”

— Phyllis Diller

133. “I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”

— Phyllis Diller

134. “Once Fang took pep pills and they worked – the only time he ever ran to bed.”

— Phyllis Diller

135. “It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”

— Phyllis Diller

136. “We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we’d have a rainbow above it.”

— Phyllis Diller

137. “I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.”

— Phyllis Diller

138. “Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!”

— Phyllis Diller

139. “All mothers are working mothers.”

— Phyllis Diller

140. “I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned.”

— Phyllis Diller

141. “The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

— Phyllis Diller

142. “The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”

— Phyllis Diller

143. “When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.”

— Phyllis Diller

144. “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

— Phyllis Diller

145. “I still take the pill. I don’t want any more grandchildren.”

— Phyllis Diller

146. “Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.”

— Phyllis Diller

147. “Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like.”

— Phyllis Diller

148. “I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, “You must develop some mechanical skills – like getting out of bed.””

— Phyllis Diller

149. “Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.”

— Phyllis Diller

150. “Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.”

— Phyllis Diller