Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.”

— Phyllis Diller

102. “A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.”

— Phyllis Diller

103. “I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”

— Phyllis Diller

104. “My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.”

— Phyllis Diller

105. “His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

— Phyllis Diller

106. “I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”

— Phyllis Diller

107. “I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.”

— Phyllis Diller

108. “My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.”

— Phyllis Diller

109. “Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream – I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one.”

— Phyllis Diller

110. “Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.”

— Phyllis Diller

111. “Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.”

— Phyllis Diller

112. “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.”

— Phyllis Diller

113. “Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”

— Phyllis Diller

114. “I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”

— Phyllis Diller

115. “Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.”

— Phyllis Diller

116. “I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

— Phyllis Diller

117. “It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.”

— Phyllis Diller

118. “I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you’ll ever have!”

— Phyllis Diller

119. “In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.”

— Phyllis Diller

120. “Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.”

— Phyllis Diller

121. “Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”

— Phyllis Diller

122. “I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

— Phyllis Diller

123. “Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.”

— Phyllis Diller

124. “My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.”

— Phyllis Diller

125. “You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!”

— Phyllis Diller

126. “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

— Phyllis Diller

127. “If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.”

— Phyllis Diller

128. “Do I believe in Witchcraft? I’m the result of it.”

— Phyllis Diller

129. “I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.”

— Phyllis Diller

130. “Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.”

— Phyllis Diller

131. “Once Fang took pep pills and they worked – the only time he ever ran to bed.”

— Phyllis Diller

132. “It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”

— Phyllis Diller

133. “This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.”

— Phyllis Diller

134. “I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.”

— Phyllis Diller

135. “I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.”

— Phyllis Diller

136. “Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!”

— Phyllis Diller

137. “All mothers are working mothers.”

— Phyllis Diller

138. “We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we’d have a rainbow above it.”

— Phyllis Diller

139. “I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned.”

— Phyllis Diller

140. “The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

— Phyllis Diller

141. “The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”

— Phyllis Diller

142. “I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”

— Phyllis Diller

143. “I still take the pill. I don’t want any more grandchildren.”

— Phyllis Diller

144. “Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.”

— Phyllis Diller

145. “Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like.”

— Phyllis Diller

146. “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

— Phyllis Diller

147. “When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.”

— Phyllis Diller

148. “Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.”

— Phyllis Diller

149. “He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.”

— Phyllis Diller

150. “How do you know they’re growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”

— Phyllis Diller