Top 100

Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2023 Update)
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Phyllis Diller Quote: “I have nothing against dogs. I just hate rugs that go squish-squish.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream – I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn’t afford one.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Too many comics today ramble. By the time they get to the punch line, the audience has either gone to sleep, gone to the bathroom or gone to bed.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “It’s an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I hate smart sales clerks. I said to one, What do you have in lingerie? She says, More than you’ll ever have!”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can’t see it, touch it, only feel it. It’s called LOVE.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Do I believe in Witchcraft? I’m the result of it.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I don’t want to sound like I’m on dope, but that hour is a high; it’s as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Once Fang took pep pills and they worked – the only time he ever ran to bed.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “All mothers are working mothers.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m from such an old family, it’s been condemned.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we’d have a rainbow above it.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn’t do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don’t particularly like.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “How do you know they’re growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, “You must develop some mechanical skills – like getting out of bed.””
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When I go to bed at night, I’ve got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.”
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