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Phyllis Diller Quotes

Phyllis Diller Quote: “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.””
Phyllis Diller Quote: “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Comedy is tragedy revisited.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “A terrible thing happened to me last night again – nothing.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don’t give a damn.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “When he proposed he said, “We’ll make such beautiful music together,” but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.”
Phyllis Diller Quote: “Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”
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