Top 180 Phyllis Diller Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

— Phyllis Diller

Featured in: Smile Quotes, Quotes About Laughter

2. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

— Phyllis Diller

3. “I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”

— Phyllis Diller

4. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

— Phyllis Diller

5. “I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.”

— Phyllis Diller

6. “We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

— Phyllis Diller

Featured in: Hilarious Quotes

7. “My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his.”

— Phyllis Diller

8. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

— Phyllis Diller

9. “You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

— Phyllis Diller

10. “If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.”

— Phyllis Diller

11. “Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.”

— Phyllis Diller

12. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

— Phyllis Diller

13. “Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.”

— Phyllis Diller

14. “Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”

— Phyllis Diller

15. “A terrible thing happened to me last night again – nothing.”

— Phyllis Diller

16. “I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.””

— Phyllis Diller

17. “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

— Phyllis Diller

18. “There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.”

— Phyllis Diller

19. “My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car.”

— Phyllis Diller

20. “I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

— Phyllis Diller

21. “To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.”

— Phyllis Diller

22. “It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.”

— Phyllis Diller

23. “Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

— Phyllis Diller

24. “When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.”

— Phyllis Diller

25. “Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

— Phyllis Diller

26. “I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.”

— Phyllis Diller

27. “Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”

— Phyllis Diller

28. “Comedy is tragedy revisited.”

— Phyllis Diller

29. “The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.”

— Phyllis Diller

30. “A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

— Phyllis Diller

31. “Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

— Phyllis Diller

32. “Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don’t give a damn.”

— Phyllis Diller

33. “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.”

— Phyllis Diller

34. “Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.”

— Phyllis Diller

35. “I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’”

— Phyllis Diller

36. “The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.”

— Phyllis Diller

37. “I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.”

— Phyllis Diller

38. “I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight.”

— Phyllis Diller

39. “I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’”

— Phyllis Diller

40. “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.”

— Phyllis Diller

41. “If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.”

— Phyllis Diller

42. “I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.”

— Phyllis Diller

43. “Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.”

— Phyllis Diller

44. “Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

— Phyllis Diller

45. “My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.”

— Phyllis Diller

46. “I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

— Phyllis Diller

47. “When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.”

— Phyllis Diller

48. “When he proposed he said, “We’ll make such beautiful music together,” but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests.”

— Phyllis Diller

49. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.”

— Phyllis Diller

50. “My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.”

— Phyllis Diller