Top 160 Rita Rudner Quotes (2025 Update)
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51. “Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: “Mitch, you look great.” Mitch: “Thanks.” On the other side: “Ruth, you look great.” Ruth: “I do? Must be the lighting.””

— Rita Rudner

52. “Oh, my God. I’ve just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I’m going to have to kill you now.”

— Rita Rudner

53. “Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There’s no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, “Look, it’s always gonna be me!””

— Rita Rudner

54. “Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

— Rita Rudner

55. “Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.”

— Rita Rudner

56. “Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I’d have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.”

— Rita Rudner

57. “Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

— Rita Rudner

58. “Men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.”

— Rita Rudner

59. “Cats are a waste of fur.”

— Rita Rudner

60. “When you’re a dancer, you start with the basics. You don’t all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.”

— Rita Rudner

61. “I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.”

— Rita Rudner

62. “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

— Rita Rudner

63. “To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’”

— Rita Rudner

64. “I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

— Rita Rudner

65. “All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don’t understand them, and they don’t want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.”

— Rita Rudner

66. “Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of “rich” usually cancels out the nice of “bald”.”

— Rita Rudner

67. “All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.”

— Rita Rudner

68. “It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.”

— Rita Rudner

69. “Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.”

— Rita Rudner

70. “The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.”

— Rita Rudner

71. “I want to have young children although my mother and father are even now young sufficient to just take care of them.”

— Rita Rudner

72. “I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we’re covered. He tells me who’s in the movie and I tell him what’s in his sandwich. Together we’re human bifocals.”

— Rita Rudner

73. “A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

74. “If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.”

— Rita Rudner

75. “Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.”

— Rita Rudner

76. “There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.”

— Rita Rudner

77. “How can I have morning sickness when I don’t get up till noon?”

— Rita Rudner

78. “When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.”

— Rita Rudner

79. “The older theory was, marry an older man because they’re more mature. But the new theory is men don’t mature. Marry a younger one.”

— Rita Rudner

80. “Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.”

— Rita Rudner

81. “I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.”

— Rita Rudner

82. “I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.”

— Rita Rudner

83. “I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.”

— Rita Rudner

84. “In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

85. “If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.”

— Rita Rudner

86. “Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”

— Rita Rudner

87. “Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds – natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds – heroin.”

— Rita Rudner

88. “If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream and a flush.”

— Rita Rudner

89. “Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?””

— Rita Rudner

90. “Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.”

— Rita Rudner

91. “Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.”

— Rita Rudner

92. “I don’t think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.”

— Rita Rudner

93. “When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can’t they just get lost?”

— Rita Rudner

94. “Individuality in dressing is not important to men. If they all look alike it means they haven’t made a mistake.”

— Rita Rudner

95. “One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.”

— Rita Rudner

96. “Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say “Thank you.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.””

— Rita Rudner

97. “Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.”

— Rita Rudner

98. “Men who write love letters don’t live in this century.”

— Rita Rudner

99. “It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

— Rita Rudner

100. “I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.”

— Rita Rudner