Top 40 Short Funny Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

2. “Don’t Panic.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Interesting Quotes, Silly Quotes, Crazy Quotes

3. “Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”

— Steve Martin

Also featured in: Persistence Quotes, Work Ethic Quotes, Quotes About Trying, Wise Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

4. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

5. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Love Quotes, Sweet Quotes, Silly Quotes, Humor Quotes

6. “I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Friends Quotes

7. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Fitness Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

8. “Intelligence is the ability to avoid doing work, yet getting the work done.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Clever Quotes, Witty Quotes

9. “If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Imagination Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

10. “Nobody actually creates perfect code the first time around, except me. But there’s only one of me.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Programming Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Ego Quotes

11. “If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Creative Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

12. “Earth: mostly harmless.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Creative Quotes, Space Quotes

13. “Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes

14. “A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

15. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Quotes About Writing, Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

16. “Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

17. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

18. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

Also featured in: Cute Quotes, Love Life Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Couple Quotes

19. “I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

— Emo Philips

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes

20. “Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Quotes About Writing, Humor Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

21. “Real gs move in silence like lasagna.”

— Lil Wayne

Also featured in: Music Quotes, Silly Quotes, Real Quotes, Moving Quotes

22. “If you mind your own business, you’ll stay busy all the time.”

— Hank Williams, Jr.

23. “For peace of mind, we need to resign as general manager of the universe.”

— Larry Eisenberg

Also featured in: Mind Quotes, Peace Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Motivational Quotes

24. “If you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, it’s too large.”

— Jeff Bezos

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes

25. “I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?”

— Ronald Reagan

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes

26. “Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Mistake Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life

27. “Go have fun and make money.”

— James Victore

Also featured in: Making Money Quotes, Happy Friday Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

28. “Brevity is the soul of wit.”

— William Shakespeare

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Genius Quotes

29. “I’m the luckiest unlucky person.”

— Tig Notaro

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

30. “When people ask me if I went to film school I tell them, ‘no, I went to films.’”

— Quentin Tarantino

Also featured in: School Quotes

31. “That’s too coincidental to be a coincidence.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

32. “People ask me if I could fly, I said, ‘yes... for a little while.’”

— Michael Jordan

Also featured in: Basketball Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

33. “I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

— Winston Churchill

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

34. “Every dog has its day.”

— John Heywood

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes

35. “The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything.”

— Bill Murray

Also featured in: Funny Quotes About Life

36. “If you think that hiring professionals is expensive, try hiring amateurs.”

— Red Adair

Also featured in: Funny Work Quotes

37. “Be yourself. No one can say you’re doing it wrong.”

— Charles M. Schulz

Also featured in: Acceptance Quotes, Being Yourself Quotes, Love Yourself Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

38. “If your ship doesn’t come in, swim out to it.”

— Jonathan Winters

Also featured in: Funny Inspirational Quotes

39. “Drop it like it’s hot.”

— Snoop Dogg

Also featured in: Artist Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Quotes About Songs, Sexy Quotes

40. “A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Friends Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

41. “What good is envy? It’s the one sin you can’t have any fun at.”

— Charlie Munger

42. “Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes

43. “Don’t ask me, I don’t know.”

— Ozzy Osbourne

Also featured in: Crazy Quotes

44. “If you are trying to get out of the hole, stop digging.”

— Will Rogers

Also featured in: Common Sense Quotes