Top 160 Rita Rudner Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.”

— Rita Rudner

102. “It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

— Rita Rudner

103. “I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, ‘I gotta go to Broadway.’”

— Rita Rudner

104. “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

— Rita Rudner

105. “Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.”

— Rita Rudner

106. “The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.”

— Rita Rudner

107. “My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take.”

— Rita Rudner

108. “My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.”

— Rita Rudner

109. “Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.”

— Rita Rudner

110. “Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.”

— Rita Rudner

111. “Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.”

— Rita Rudner

112. “Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn’t have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.”

— Rita Rudner

113. “Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.”

— Rita Rudner

114. “If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.”

— Rita Rudner

115. “Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?”

— Rita Rudner

116. “I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.”

— Rita Rudner

117. “Yes, I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it’s a lower case l.”

— Rita Rudner

118. “I’m not sure if my husband is going to be there when I actually have the baby. He said the only way he’s going to be in the room when there’s a delivery is if there’s a pizza involved.”

— Rita Rudner

119. “All men think that they’re nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

— Rita Rudner

120. “My new dress. Do you like it? It’s from my favorite designer, On Sale.”

— Rita Rudner

121. “I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, “Love, Rita.””

— Rita Rudner

122. “No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.”

— Rita Rudner

123. “There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn’t ever been done before. Well, she didn’t have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.”

— Rita Rudner

124. “In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun. That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.”

— Rita Rudner

125. “You know it’s love when you want to keep holding hands even after you’re sweaty.”

— Rita Rudner

126. “My Vegas act is how I make my money.”

— Rita Rudner

127. “I get so happy when I write a joke. It’s a very satisfying, liberating feeling.”

— Rita Rudner

128. “When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.”

— Rita Rudner

129. “My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.”

— Rita Rudner

130. “Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.”

— Rita Rudner

131. “Men don’t feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women’s dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.”

— Rita Rudner

132. “I jogged for three miles once. It was the worst three hours of my life.”

— Rita Rudner

133. “Men in high levels of government seldom surf.”

— Rita Rudner

134. “Men are very confident people. Even a sixty-year-old man with no arms thinks he could play in the Super Bowl if he had to.”

— Rita Rudner

135. “The word ‘aerobics’ came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it Jumping up and down.”

— Rita Rudner

136. “I get a lot of return business. I think it’s all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

— Rita Rudner

137. “Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.”

— Rita Rudner

138. “Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.”

— Rita Rudner

139. “Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.”

— Rita Rudner

140. “I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”

— Rita Rudner

141. “Women are more accommodating. If a woman drinks the last glass of apple juice in the refrigerator, she’ll make more apple juice. If a man drinks the last glass of apple juice, he’ll just put back the empty container.”

— Rita Rudner

142. “I just don’t get cats. To me, they’re a waste of fur.”

— Rita Rudner

143. “My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.”

— Rita Rudner

144. “The airline oxygen masks don’t really help you. They’re just there to muffle the screams.”

— Rita Rudner

145. “A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”

— Rita Rudner

146. “My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.”

— Rita Rudner

147. “I don’t like when there’s too much conversation because I’m shy and it makes me uncomfortable.”

— Rita Rudner

148. “Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.”

— Rita Rudner

149. “Nobody is really happy with what’s on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.”

— Rita Rudner

150. “Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.”

— Rita Rudner