Top 160 Rita Rudner Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

— Rita Rudner

Featured in: Marriage Quotes

2. “I don’t look back. I’m like a shark – I only look forward.”

— Rita Rudner

3. “When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”

— Rita Rudner

4. “Blondes have more fun, don’t they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?”

— Rita Rudner

5. “Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.”

— Rita Rudner

6. “When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

— Rita Rudner

7. “I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”

— Rita Rudner

8. “I hate learning through experience. Just once I’d like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.”

— Rita Rudner

9. “My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

— Rita Rudner

10. “I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

— Rita Rudner

11. “Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.”

— Rita Rudner

12. “When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”

— Rita Rudner

13. “Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.”

— Rita Rudner

14. “I’m a very simple person. I’m very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that’s me.”

— Rita Rudner

15. “Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”

— Rita Rudner

16. “I’ll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.”

— Rita Rudner

17. “Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.”

— Rita Rudner

18. “I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.”

— Rita Rudner

19. “Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.”

— Rita Rudner

20. “We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”

— Rita Rudner

21. “Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replay in sports. They’ve already forgotten what’s happened.”

— Rita Rudner

22. “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

— Rita Rudner

23. “Never take candy from strangers.”

— Rita Rudner

24. “You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think they’re just to muffle the screams.”

— Rita Rudner

25. “My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.”

— Rita Rudner

26. “Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.”

— Rita Rudner

27. “Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.”

— Rita Rudner

28. “Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.”

— Rita Rudner

29. “Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don’t like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men – how about “New Car Interior”?”

— Rita Rudner

30. “Before I met my husband, I’d never fallen in love. I’d stepped in it a few times.”

— Rita Rudner

31. “Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.”

— Rita Rudner

32. “If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help.”

— Rita Rudner

33. “An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn’t work.”

— Rita Rudner

34. “I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

— Rita Rudner

35. “I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn’t notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I’m letting him keep it. I’m saving money!”

— Rita Rudner

36. “All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.”

— Rita Rudner

37. “Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.”

— Rita Rudner

38. “Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.”

— Rita Rudner

39. “A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”

— Rita Rudner

40. “Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.””

— Rita Rudner

41. “Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.”

— Rita Rudner

42. “Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.”

— Rita Rudner

43. “They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.”

— Rita Rudner

44. “Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.”

— Rita Rudner

45. “My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.”

— Rita Rudner

46. “I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine...”

— Rita Rudner

47. “Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

— Rita Rudner

48. “Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

— Rita Rudner

49. “I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”

— Rita Rudner

50. “At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don’t count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I’m going to be quite young.”

— Rita Rudner