Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2026 Update)
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51. “When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

52. “If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

53. “If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

54. “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

55. “My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

56. “I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

57. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

58. “My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

59. “I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

60. “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

61. “I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

62. “She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

63. “To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

64. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

65. “Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

66. “What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

67. “With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

68. “He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

69. “My mother used to rock me – and she used big rocks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

70. “I have three kids, one of each.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

71. “Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

72. “Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

73. “I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

74. “It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

75. “During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

76. “My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

77. “With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Respect Quotes

78. “At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

79. “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

80. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

81. “When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

82. “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

83. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

84. “I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

85. “My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

86. “My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

87. “A hooker once told me she had a headache.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

88. “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

89. “Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

90. “When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

91. “Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

92. “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

93. “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

94. “I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

95. “My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

96. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

97. “I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

98. “My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful – never made me breakfast once. I don’t want to get started. One story is worse than another.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

99. “And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

100. “I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”

— Rodney Dangerfield