Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 2 of 7

51. “My wife gives good headache.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

52. “My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

53. “If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

54. “When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

55. “Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

56. “I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

57. “Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

58. “If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

59. “With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

60. “My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

61. “When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

62. “I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

63. “My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

64. “My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful – never made me breakfast once. I don’t want to get started. One story is worse than another.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

65. “And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

66. “I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

67. “My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

68. “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

69. “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

70. “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

71. “I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

72. “I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

73. “I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

74. “One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

75. “Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

76. “Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

77. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

78. “My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

79. “One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

80. “I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

81. “My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

82. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

83. “My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

84. “I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

85. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

86. “With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

87. “I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

88. “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

89. “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

90. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

91. “A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

92. “Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

93. “My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

94. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

95. “She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

96. “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

97. “When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

98. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

99. “I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

100. “What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

— Rodney Dangerfield