Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2024 Update)
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101. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

102. “When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

103. “What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

104. “I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

105. “With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

106. “My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

107. “My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

108. “Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn – Prancer and Dancer – they dropped off a little something.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

109. “I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

110. “When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

111. “He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

112. “My mother used to rock me – and she used big rocks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

113. “Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

114. “You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

115. “What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

116. “I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

117. “I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

118. “I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

119. “Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

120. “Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

121. “During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

122. “We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

123. “When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

124. “At my age I’m envious of a stiff wind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

125. “My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

126. “They say love thy neighbor as thy self, what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

127. “My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

128. “I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

129. “My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

130. “A hooker once told me she had a headache.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

131. “Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

132. “Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

133. “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

134. “Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

135. “When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

136. “At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !”

— Rodney Dangerfield

137. “Hey, did somebody step on a duck?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

138. “She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

139. “One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

140. “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

141. “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

142. “My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

143. “I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

144. “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

145. “My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

146. “I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

147. “Marriage... it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

148. “Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

149. “With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

150. “I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

— Rodney Dangerfield