Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2026 Update)
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101. “My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

102. “Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

103. “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Romance Quotes

104. “I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

105. “Marriage... it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

106. “One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

107. “My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Real Quotes

108. “With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

109. “One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

110. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

111. “My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

112. “With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

113. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

114. “My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

115. “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

116. “Women my age just don’t turn me on. That’s another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

117. “She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

118. “I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

119. “If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

120. “With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

121. “My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

122. “My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

123. “I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don’t make it, I’ll never know it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

124. “I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

125. “Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

126. “I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

127. “My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

128. “I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

129. “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

130. “My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

131. “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

132. “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

133. “I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

134. “She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

135. “I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

136. “If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

137. “When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

138. “My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

139. “My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

140. “He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

141. “You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

142. “I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

143. “I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

144. “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

145. “My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

146. “When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

147. “I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

148. “I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

149. “With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

150. “Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn – Prancer and Dancer – they dropped off a little something.”

— Rodney Dangerfield