Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Better to keep quiet and let people think you’re an idiot than speak up and confirm it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

2. “Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

3. “Comedy is a camouflage for depression.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

4. “Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

5. “I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they’re the last to know.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

6. “Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

7. “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

8. “My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

9. “I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

10. “Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

11. “When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Respect Quotes

12. “I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

13. “I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

14. “When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark...”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Respect Quotes

15. “I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

16. “With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Respect Quotes

17. “My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

18. “I can’t get no respect.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

19. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

20. “I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

21. “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

22. “My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

23. “I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

24. “I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

25. “For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

26. “My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

27. “Never tell your wife she’s bad in bed. She’ll go out and get a second opinion.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

28. “I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

29. “Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

30. “I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

31. “The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

32. “When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

33. “Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

34. “I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

35. “I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

36. “When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

37. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

38. “At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

39. “When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

40. “I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

41. “Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

42. “I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

43. “My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

44. “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

45. “I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

46. “I have three kids, one of each.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

47. “Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

48. “You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

49. “I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.””

— Rodney Dangerfield

50. “I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.””

— Rodney Dangerfield