Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I asked him “Who said you could fool around with my wife” he said everybody.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

202. “What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

203. “My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

204. “I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale’s.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

205. “I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

206. “We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

207. “Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

208. “He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

209. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

210. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

211. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

212. “You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

213. “With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

214. “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

215. “Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

216. “Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

217. “Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

218. “I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn’t make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

219. “I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

220. “My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

221. “I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

222. “I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

223. “My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

224. “I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

225. “I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

226. “My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

227. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

228. “When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

229. “You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

230. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

231. “I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

232. “She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

233. “I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

234. “One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

235. “You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

236. “I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

237. “I’d like to get some new clothes, but I can’t find a Big and Short store.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

238. “I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

239. “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

240. “It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

241. “Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

242. “My parents didn’t like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

243. “I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

244. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

245. “I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

246. “When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names – hers and her mother’s.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

247. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

248. “My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

249. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

250. “Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it’s not in my act.”

— Rodney Dangerfield