Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

202. “When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!””

— Rodney Dangerfield

203. “I asked him “Who said you could fool around with my wife” he said everybody.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

204. “Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

205. “If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

206. “He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

207. “We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

208. “What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

209. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

210. “I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

211. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

212. “Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

213. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

214. “I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

215. “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

216. “You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

217. “With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

218. “My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

219. “Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

220. “I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn’t make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

221. “Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

222. “My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

223. “I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

224. “I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

225. “You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

226. “I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

227. “My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

228. “I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

229. “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

230. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

231. “She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

232. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

233. “When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

234. “I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

235. “You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

236. “I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

237. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

238. “I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

239. “One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

240. “It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

241. “My parents didn’t like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

242. “I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

243. “I’d like to get some new clothes, but I can’t find a Big and Short store.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

244. “I’ve been writing jokes since I’m fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn’t good to me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

245. “When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names – hers and her mother’s.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

246. “I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

247. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

248. “What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

249. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

250. “Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.”

— Rodney Dangerfield