Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2026 Update)
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201. “What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

202. “Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

203. “My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

204. “I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, ‘I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.’ I brought Windex.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

205. “One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

206. “My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

207. “I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale’s.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

208. “I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

209. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

210. “When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

211. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Real Quotes

212. “My wife’s so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

213. “I asked him “Who said you could fool around with my wife” he said everybody.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

214. “I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

215. “When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!””

— Rodney Dangerfield

216. “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Reading Quotes

217. “One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

218. “Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

219. “What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

220. “My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

221. “A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

222. “Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

223. “Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

224. “With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

225. “If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

226. “We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

227. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Real Quotes

228. “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

229. “I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

230. “Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

231. “My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

232. “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

233. “Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

234. “My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

235. “She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Firsts Quotes

236. “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

237. “My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

238. “I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn’t make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

239. “I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

240. “I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

241. “You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

242. “You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

243. “I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

244. “I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

245. “I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

246. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

247. “My parents didn’t like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

248. “I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

249. “My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

250. “Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.”

— Rodney Dangerfield