Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2026 Update)
Page 4 of 7

151. “My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

152. “I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

153. “When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

154. “I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

155. “My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

156. “People seldom live up to their baby pictures.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

157. “You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

158. “Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

159. “I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

160. “I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

161. “I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

162. “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

163. “What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

164. “People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I’m envious of a stiff wind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

165. “I tell ya I got a stupid son. That’s one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

166. “Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

167. “If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we’d be in a lot of trouble.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

Featured in: Country Quotes

168. “My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

169. “Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex – my wife screwed in front of the jury.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

170. “When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

171. “Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

172. “At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !”

— Rodney Dangerfield

173. “Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

174. “Hey, did somebody step on a duck?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

175. “She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

176. “One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

177. “I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

178. “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

179. “I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn’t enough.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

180. “I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?””

— Rodney Dangerfield

181. “My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

182. “I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

183. “Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

184. “My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

185. “I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

186. “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

187. “I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

188. “With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

189. “We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

190. “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

191. “I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn’t make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

192. “In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

193. “Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

194. “I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

195. “To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

196. “I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

197. “I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi – yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

198. “It’s nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

199. “I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

200. “School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.”

— Rodney Dangerfield