Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2025 Update)
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151. “My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

152. “I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

153. “Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

154. “We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

155. “I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

156. “I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

157. “It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

158. “I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?””

— Rodney Dangerfield

159. “In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

160. “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

161. “With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

162. “I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

163. “I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

164. “She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

165. “My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

166. “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

167. “I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

168. “I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi – yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

169. “I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don’t make it, I’ll never know it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

170. “I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn’t make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

171. “What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

172. “Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

173. “Women my age just don’t turn me on. That’s another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

174. “If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

175. “School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

176. “I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, ‘I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.’ I brought Windex.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

177. “To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

178. “I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’”

— Rodney Dangerfield

179. “Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

180. “My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

181. “My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

182. “It’s nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

183. “I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

184. “Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

185. “My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

186. “One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

187. “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

188. “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

189. “I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

190. “I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

191. “My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

192. “When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

193. “I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale’s.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

194. “I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

195. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

196. “One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

197. “She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

198. “My wife’s so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

199. “A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

200. “I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

— Rodney Dangerfield