Top 300 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes (2025 Update)
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251. “Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy’s cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

252. “I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

253. “On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

254. “I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

255. “My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?”

— Rodney Dangerfield

256. “What a doctor I’ve got – he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

257. “I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

258. “Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it’s not in my act.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

259. “People seldom live up to their baby pictures.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

260. “This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

261. “When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

262. “I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

263. “I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

264. “Life is just a bowl of pits.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

265. “His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

266. “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

267. “I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

268. “I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

269. “The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

270. “A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how’d you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!”

— Rodney Dangerfield

271. “I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

272. “I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

273. “It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

274. “Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

275. “My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

276. “When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there’s definitely a hooker involved.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

277. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

278. “My son’s an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

279. “They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

280. “Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

281. “My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

282. “When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

283. “If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

284. “People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .”

— Rodney Dangerfield

285. “Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won’t let me toke at home.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

286. “At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

287. “My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

288. “At certain times I like sex – like after a cigarette.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

289. “With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

290. “If you can’t write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

291. “I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

292. “I tell ya I got a stupid son. That’s one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

293. “All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way – I had it out.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

294. “It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they’ve done themselves.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

295. “I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

296. “People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I’m envious of a stiff wind.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

297. “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

298. “I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

299. “I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.”

— Rodney Dangerfield

300. “If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we’d be in a lot of trouble.”

— Rodney Dangerfield