Top 60 Spike Milligan Quotes (2024 Update)
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Spike Milligan Quote: “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”

51. “Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.”

52. “Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.”

53. “Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.”

54. “Some people live a nothing life: the most important thing they ever do is die. Thank God for eccentrics! Take Gunner Octavian Neat. He would suddenly appear naked in a barrack room and say, “Does anybody know a good tailor?”, or “Gentlemen – I think there’s a thief in the battery.” He was the bane of the Regiment.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.”

55. “In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.”

56. “Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “It was a perfect marrige. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.”

57. “It was a perfect marrige. She didn’t want to and he couldn’t.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”

58. “The width of neck and shoulder suggested a rugby player, the broken nose confirmed it. Which shows just how wrong you can be as he never played the game in his life.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.”

59. “Busty’ Roberts had joined the Royal Artillery in 1914 and since then had steadily risen to the rank of Gunner. Now the crunch: someone with a perverted sense of humour made him a Lance Bombardier. Roberts went insane with power. The war now consisted of two people, him and Hitler.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “The youngest member of this ageing community was ex-variety artiste, Patrick L. Balls. Fifty-nine now, he spent out his remaining years pulling a rope lift and bottling fruit. He had once whistled Ave Maria for Queen Victoria. She wasn’t present at the time, but nevertheless that’s who he was whistling it for.”

60. “The youngest member of this ageing community was ex-variety artiste, Patrick L. Balls. Fifty-nine now, he spent out his remaining years pulling a rope lift and bottling fruit. He had once whistled Ave Maria for Queen Victoria. She wasn’t present at the time, but nevertheless that’s who he was whistling it for.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Actually, I was glad when we left, I couldn’t have kept up this non-stop soldier-all-day – lover-all-night with only cups of tea in between.”

61. “Actually, I was glad when we left, I couldn’t have kept up this non-stop soldier-all-day – lover-all-night with only cups of tea in between.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Money! Father Rudden had tried everything to raise funds to repair the church, he even went to the bank. ‘Don’t be a fool, Father!’ said the manager, ‘Put that gun down.’ Money!”

62. “Money! Father Rudden had tried everything to raise funds to repair the church, he even went to the bank. ‘Don’t be a fool, Father!’ said the manager, ‘Put that gun down.’ Money!”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “We were drunk last night, We were drunk the night before, We’re going to get drunk tonight If we never get drunk any more. The more we drink The merrier we shall be For we are the boys of the Royal Artillery.”

63. “We were drunk last night, We were drunk the night before, We’re going to get drunk tonight If we never get drunk any more. The more we drink The merrier we shall be For we are the boys of the Royal Artillery.”

— Spike Milligan

Spike Milligan Quote: “Killing of civilians was an outrage I couldn’t swallow on any basis, on any side. In the end there were no sides. Just living and dead.”

64. “Killing of civilians was an outrage I couldn’t swallow on any basis, on any side. In the end there were no sides. Just living and dead.”

— Spike Milligan

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