Top 60 Spike Milligan Quotes (2025 Update)

1. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

Featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Money, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Thursday Quotes

2. “Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.”

— Spike Milligan

Featured in: Crazy Quotes, Humor Quotes

3. “We haven’t got a plan so nothing can go wrong!”

— Spike Milligan

4. “Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I’ll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?”

— Spike Milligan

5. “Its all in the mind, you know.”

— Spike Milligan

6. “Education isn’t everything, for a start it isn’t an elephant.”

— Spike Milligan

7. “You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.”

— Spike Milligan

8. “And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.”

— Spike Milligan

9. “One day the “Don’t Knows” will get in and then where will we be?”

— Spike Milligan

10. “I told you I was sick.”

— Spike Milligan

11. “Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.”

— Spike Milligan

12. “There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.”

— Spike Milligan

13. “All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.”

— Spike Milligan

14. “My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!”

— Spike Milligan

15. “Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!”

— Spike Milligan

16. “Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.”

— Spike Milligan

17. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.”

— Spike Milligan

18. “If I don’t eat soon, I’ll die of hunger; and if I die, I won’t eat soon.”

— Spike Milligan

19. “This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it’s meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in.”

— Spike Milligan

20. “If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.”

— Spike Milligan

21. “In the human race today, you came last.”

— Spike Milligan

22. “I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.”

— Spike Milligan

23. “Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.”

— Spike Milligan

24. “How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

— Spike Milligan

25. “Patience, thought Milligan, that word was invented by dull buggers who couldn’t think quick enough.”

— Spike Milligan

26. “If you kill me, I promise you – you will never take me alive.”

— Spike Milligan

27. “Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it’s all in perfect working order.”

— Spike Milligan

28. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”

— Spike Milligan

29. “Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.”

— Spike Milligan

30. “I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.”

— Spike Milligan

31. “My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”

— Spike Milligan

32. “Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?”

— Spike Milligan

33. “I’m Irish. We think sideways.”

— Spike Milligan

34. “To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don’t want you singing at my funeral.”

— Spike Milligan

35. “I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.”

— Spike Milligan

36. “I can speak Esperanto like a native.”

— Spike Milligan

37. “A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush.”

— Spike Milligan

38. “I’m a hero with coward’s legs.”

— Spike Milligan

39. “Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.”

— Spike Milligan

40. “A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”

— Spike Milligan

41. “After Puckoon I swore I’d never write another book. This is it.”

— Spike Milligan

42. “Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.”

— Spike Milligan

43. “We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.”

— Spike Milligan

44. “Her mother was a cultivated woman – she was born in a greenhouse.”

— Spike Milligan

45. “I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.”

— Spike Milligan

46. “God made nightButMan made darkness.”

— Spike Milligan

47. “A lot of learning canbe a little thing.”

— Spike Milligan

48. “Keep talking Milligan. I think I can get you out on Mental Grounds.’ ‘That’s how I got in, sir.’ ‘Didn’t we all.”

— Spike Milligan

49. “Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.”

— Spike Milligan

50. “For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.”

— Spike Milligan