Top 30 Funny Thursday Quotes (2024 Update)

1. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

2. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Business Quotes, Funny Quotes, Feel Good Quotes, Happy Friday Quotes

3. “Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

— Groucho Marx

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Witty Quotes, Funny Work Quotes

4. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

— Yogi Berra

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Hilarious Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Path Quotes, Clever Quotes

5. “43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

— Steven Wright

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Short Funny Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

6. “Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes

7. “Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”

— Spike Milligan

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Quotes About Money, Sarcastic Quotes

8. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Office Quotes

9. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

10. “There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Being Happy Quotes

11. “Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.”

— Anonymous

Also featured in: Funny Quotes

12. “Don't believe anything you read on the net. Except this. Well, including this, I suppose.”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Funny Quotes, Creative Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes

13. “If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.”

— Clint Eastwood

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Quotes About Life, Funny Friday Quotes

14. “Things just happen. What the hell.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes

15. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

— George Carlin

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes

16. “Death: Human beings make life so interesting. Do you know, that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to invent boredom.”

— Terry Pratchett

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes

17. “Cocaine is God’s way of telling you you are making too much money.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Quotes About Money, Sarcastic Quotes, Humor Quotes

18. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

— Mark Twain

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Crazy Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

19. “Every time I see some piece of medical research saying that caffeine is good for you, I high-five myself. Because I’m going to live forever.”

— Linus Torvalds

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

20. “Whisky is liquid sunshine.”

— George Bernard Shaw

Also featured in: Silly Quotes

21. “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Sarcastic Quotes, Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

22. “Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.”

— Robert A. Heinlein

Also featured in: Efficiency Quotes, Hilarious Quotes

23. “I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing, so get yourself a sexy raincoat and live a little.”

— Billy Connolly

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Senior Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

24. “Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world’s original sin. If the cave-man had known how to laugh, History would have been different.”

— Oscar Wilde

Also featured in: Humor Quotes

25. “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”

— Arthur C. Clarke

Also featured in: Silly Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

26. “How do you know you’re having fun if there’s no one watching you have it?”

— Douglas Adams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Fun Quotes

27. “Sometimes you gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.”

— Aziz Ansari

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Yearbook Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

28. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.”

— Agatha Christie

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Marriage Quotes, Funny Love Quotes

29. “Comedy is acting out optimism.”

— Robin Williams

Also featured in: Hilarious Quotes, Funny Motivational Quotes, Funny Tuesday Quotes

30. “It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

— Ronald Reagan

Also featured in: Humor Quotes, Funny Friday Quotes