Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2025 Update)
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101. “Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.”

— Stephen Colbert

102. “Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.”

— Stephen Colbert

103. “North Korea is willing to go to any lengths for the whole world to honor its demands of ‘Ooh, please pay attention to us.’”

— Stephen Colbert

104. “Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.”

— Stephen Colbert

105. “Foreign newspapers: if they’ve got nothing to hide, how come they don’t print them in English?”

— Stephen Colbert

106. “Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.”

— Stephen Colbert

107. “Bill Moyers is everything I never aspire to be: Calm, Thoughtful, and Informative.”

— Stephen Colbert

108. “You seem cynical because you’re always talking about that selfish behavior that’s dressed up as altruism. It doesn’t mean there isn’t altruism. It just means that it’s harder to make jokes about altruism.”

— Stephen Colbert

109. “There must be a God, because I don’t know how things work.”

— Stephen Colbert

110. “Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I’m post-tweeting today. I’ll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.”

— Stephen Colbert

111. “I’m getting angry at liberals.”

— Stephen Colbert

112. “I am down with the latest trends. And everyone knows, the thing on the streets is vampires. So I have been biting people on the neck.”

— Stephen Colbert

113. “I’m impervious to logic.”

— Stephen Colbert

114. “If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.”

— Stephen Colbert

115. “If Corporations are people, I guarantee you that a government of those people, by those people, and for those people will continue to exist.”

— Stephen Colbert

116. “It’s a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering.”

— Stephen Colbert

117. “Made no mistake: America is a Christian nation. The bedrock of our theo-democracy is our Judeo-Christian values. that term, by the way, is a bit of a misnomer. It implies that Christianity and Judaism are equal.”

— Stephen Colbert

118. “A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

— Stephen Colbert

119. “I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that.”

— Stephen Colbert

120. “If a poor family falls on hard times in the woods, and no one is around to care, did it really happen?”

— Stephen Colbert

121. “Baby carrots are making me gay.”

— Stephen Colbert

122. “You have a firm grasp of the obvious.”

— Stephen Colbert

123. “Arbitrary rules teach kids discipline: If every rule made sense, they wouldn’t be learning respect for authority, they’d be learning logic.”

— Stephen Colbert

124. “Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle.”

— Stephen Colbert

125. “Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.”

— Stephen Colbert

126. “Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.”

— Stephen Colbert

127. “My brother Billy was the joke teller. My brother Jim had a really sharp, cutting wit. And the teller of long stories, that was my brother Ed. As a child, I just absorbed everything they said, and I was always in competition for the laughs.”

— Stephen Colbert

128. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

— Stephen Colbert

129. “Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.”

— Stephen Colbert

130. “Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”

— Stephen Colbert

131. “Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.”

— Stephen Colbert

132. “There’s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.”

— Stephen Colbert

133. “You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They – they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.”

— Stephen Colbert

134. “Take the platypus – that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.”

— Stephen Colbert

135. “Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!”

— Stephen Colbert

136. “Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time – of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

— Stephen Colbert

137. “Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.”

— Stephen Colbert

138. “Ignorance is bliss-Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.”

— Stephen Colbert

139. “I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it’s known to Native Americans – Sarcastic You’re Welcomesgiving.”

— Stephen Colbert

140. “Equations are the devil’s sentences.”

— Stephen Colbert

141. “If you repeat it, it’s true. If you repeat it, it’s true. And through repetition, something becomes true. If you repeat it enough. Until it becomes true. Or do I need to repeat that for you?”

— Stephen Colbert

142. “The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.”

— Stephen Colbert

143. “There’s nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

— Stephen Colbert

144. “I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.”

— Stephen Colbert

145. “Arby’s: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.”

— Stephen Colbert

146. “And we didn’t have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn’t show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.”

— Stephen Colbert

147. “New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.”

— Stephen Colbert

148. “You can change the world. Please don’t do that, OK? Some of us like the way things are going now.”

— Stephen Colbert

149. “On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.”

— Stephen Colbert

150. “America used to live by the motto “Father Knows Best.” Now we’re lucky if “Father Knows He Has Children.” We’ve become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

— Stephen Colbert