Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
Page 7 of 8

301. “Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he’s a high school junior.”

— Stephen Colbert

302. “What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.”

— Stephen Colbert

303. “Once I’m performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.”

— Stephen Colbert

304. “If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.”

— Stephen Colbert

305. “The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.”

— Stephen Colbert

306. “That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”

— Stephen Colbert

307. “I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.”

— Stephen Colbert

308. “Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!”

— Stephen Colbert

309. “Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.”

— Stephen Colbert

310. “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.”

— Stephen Colbert

311. “Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area.”

— Stephen Colbert

312. “I wrote things for the school’s newspaper, and – like all teenagers – I dabbled in poetry.”

— Stephen Colbert

313. “I’d like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.”

— Stephen Colbert

314. “A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?”

— Stephen Colbert

315. “I’m fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.”

— Stephen Colbert

316. “Now you’ll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.”

— Stephen Colbert

317. “Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.”

— Stephen Colbert

318. “Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.”

— Stephen Colbert

319. “The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

— Stephen Colbert

320. “The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it – Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.”

— Stephen Colbert

321. “I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.”

— Stephen Colbert

322. “I hadn’t intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.”

— Stephen Colbert

323. “If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it’s the sole reason they exist.”

— Stephen Colbert

324. “I don’t actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth.”

— Stephen Colbert

325. “I report, I decide.”

— Stephen Colbert

326. “It’s a game. That’s why we call it ‘the news.’ It’s just a game.”

— Stephen Colbert

327. “Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he’s already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.”

— Stephen Colbert

328. “I love being onstage.”

— Stephen Colbert

329. “If God wanted us to get high, he’d have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.”

— Stephen Colbert

330. “I hope people’ll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.”

— Stephen Colbert

331. “Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it’s an athletic endeavor.”

— Stephen Colbert

332. “Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.”

— Stephen Colbert

333. “I’m just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.”

— Stephen Colbert

334. “If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”

— Stephen Colbert

335. “Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.”

— Stephen Colbert

336. “Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.”

— Stephen Colbert

337. “Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.”

— Stephen Colbert

338. “My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.”

— Stephen Colbert

339. “Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.”

— Stephen Colbert

340. “We claim no respectability. There’s no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don’t have to defend anything.”

— Stephen Colbert

341. “I can’t be gay! I’m a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.”

— Stephen Colbert

342. “Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

— Stephen Colbert

343. “I didn’t realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.”

— Stephen Colbert

344. “Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.”

— Stephen Colbert

345. “Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

— Stephen Colbert

346. “As a rule, Germans shouldn’t do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.”

— Stephen Colbert

347. “Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.”

— Stephen Colbert

348. “I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.”

— Stephen Colbert

349. “Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.”

— Stephen Colbert

350. “I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory.”

— Stephen Colbert