Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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301. “If you use big words, no one will know you aren’t doing jack squat.”

— Stephen Colbert

302. “What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.”

— Stephen Colbert

303. “Once I’m performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.”

— Stephen Colbert

304. “If I had free time to go to Los Angeles to shoot a movie, I would rather spend it with my kids.”

— Stephen Colbert

305. “That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.”

— Stephen Colbert

306. “I believe Sarah Palin is a true statesman, whose experience as a failed vice presidential candidate, half-term governor and eight-episode reality star has fully prepared her to take control of our nuclear arsenal.”

— Stephen Colbert

307. “Football is American; why are the Romans numering our bowls?!”

— Stephen Colbert

308. “Warning: I may contain more than a trace amount of nut.”

— Stephen Colbert

309. “But children are our future!′ Yes, but does that not also mean that we are their past? I don’t understand why we’re helping them. You don’t see union factory workers throwing a benefit for robots.”

— Stephen Colbert

310. “Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you’re old.”

— Stephen Colbert

311. “NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won’t date them either.”

— Stephen Colbert

312. “I don’t actually believe that the present social norm is some sort of eternal truth.”

— Stephen Colbert

313. “I’m fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.”

— Stephen Colbert

314. “Take away the Big Bang and what has God done? Burned a bush and got a girl pregnant. Great, he’s a high school junior.”

— Stephen Colbert

315. “Now you’ll have to wait for hours in line for medical care instead of immediately not getting any.”

— Stephen Colbert

316. “The Yankees’ Facebook page was hacked. The hacker was immediately purchased and signed to a 5 year contract with the Yankees.”

— Stephen Colbert

317. “Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.”

— Stephen Colbert

318. “Winning the Nobel Prize does not automatically qualify you to be commander in chief. I think George Bush has proved definitively that to be president, you don’t need to care about science, literature or peace.”

— Stephen Colbert

319. “The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

— Stephen Colbert

320. “The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it – Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election.”

— Stephen Colbert

321. “I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.”

— Stephen Colbert

322. “I hadn’t intended to end up there. I meant to be a serious actor with a beard who wore a lot of black and wanted to share his misery with you.”

— Stephen Colbert

323. “If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it’s the sole reason they exist.”

— Stephen Colbert

324. “Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.”

— Stephen Colbert

325. “Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche.”

— Stephen Colbert

326. “I report, I decide.”

— Stephen Colbert

327. “It’s a game. That’s why we call it ‘the news.’ It’s just a game.”

— Stephen Colbert

328. “Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he’s already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.”

— Stephen Colbert

329. “I love being onstage.”

— Stephen Colbert

330. “If God wanted us to get high, he’d have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked.”

— Stephen Colbert

331. “I hope people’ll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time.”

— Stephen Colbert

332. “Comedians dissect jokes all the time. Comedians are beautiful structuralists. But ultimately it’s an athletic endeavor.”

— Stephen Colbert

333. “Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.”

— Stephen Colbert

334. “I’m just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.”

— Stephen Colbert

335. “Obamacare takes effect in less than eight months. Do you realize what this means? If you go to the emergency room now, you’ll be covered by the time you finally see a doctor.”

— Stephen Colbert

336. “As a rule, Germans shouldn’t do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.”

— Stephen Colbert

337. “Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.”

— Stephen Colbert

338. “My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close.”

— Stephen Colbert

339. “Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard.”

— Stephen Colbert

340. “I can’t be gay! I’m a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig.”

— Stephen Colbert

341. “Now I don’t know why he’s denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.”

— Stephen Colbert

342. “I didn’t realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.”

— Stephen Colbert

343. “Cain understands domestic issues because he had experience selling pizza; and he understands international issues because pizza is Italian.”

— Stephen Colbert

344. “Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!”

— Stephen Colbert

345. “If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.”

— Stephen Colbert

346. “I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory.”

— Stephen Colbert

347. “I don’t get why the government is the only one that gets to print money.”

— Stephen Colbert

348. “We claim no respectability. There’s no status I would not surrender for a joke. So we don’t have to defend anything.”

— Stephen Colbert

349. “Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.”

— Stephen Colbert

350. “Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too.”

— Stephen Colbert