Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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201. “I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

— Stephen Colbert

202. “Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out.”

— Stephen Colbert

203. “We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.”

— Stephen Colbert

204. “My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.”

— Stephen Colbert

205. “Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.”

— Stephen Colbert

206. “Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.”

— Stephen Colbert

207. “I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I found it so inspirational. Why not make myself cooler than I am?”

— Stephen Colbert

208. “There’s a wonderfully cooperative relationship between management and labor right now. Much like the historic partnership between oranges and a juicer.”

— Stephen Colbert

209. “I believed in global warming after Al Gore’s movie made money; the market had spoken.”

— Stephen Colbert

210. “I love the truth. It’s the facts I’m not a fan of.”

— Stephen Colbert

211. “Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America – less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.”

— Stephen Colbert

212. “NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it’s not happening. So I’m ignoring Twitter’s 140-character limit, so it’s not happ.”

— Stephen Colbert

213. “Physics. Some say this science is fundamental; I say it’s a bunch of unnecessary regulations. Physics is the ultimate Big Government interference – universal laws meant to constrain us at every turn.”

— Stephen Colbert

214. “There’s nothing more I love than McDonald’s dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.”

— Stephen Colbert

215. “I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.”

— Stephen Colbert

216. “I have always been a fan of reality by majority vote.”

— Stephen Colbert

217. “Am I proud of being straight? No. You know why? Because if I start acting proud, that’s going to make me seem kind of gay.”

— Stephen Colbert

218. “Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.”

— Stephen Colbert

219. “Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.”

— Stephen Colbert

220. “Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”

— Stephen Colbert

221. “Sixty eight percent of Republicans don’t believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.”

— Stephen Colbert

222. “Republicans and nerds have so much in common – they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.”

— Stephen Colbert

223. “There’s nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.”

— Stephen Colbert

224. “The only thing that keeps us going back to one another is that we’re all filled with such enormous self-doubt. We have doubts about our ability to be alone, to self-actualize.”

— Stephen Colbert

225. “I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.”

— Stephen Colbert

226. “It’s August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.”

— Stephen Colbert

227. “Odyssey Dawn? That’s not a military operation. That’s a Carnival Cruise ship.”

— Stephen Colbert

228. “Northwestern’s alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that’s just me!”

— Stephen Colbert

229. “What’s the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?”

— Stephen Colbert

230. “I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.”

— Stephen Colbert

231. “Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”

— Stephen Colbert

232. “Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it “The No Fact Zone.” Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.”

— Stephen Colbert

233. “I’m not a truthiness fanatic, I’m truthiness’s father.”

— Stephen Colbert

234. “I’m a satirist, so I’ve got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I’m not an assassin.”

— Stephen Colbert

235. “The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy’s fear.”

— Stephen Colbert

236. “If you think you can lead your flock of sheeple and peeps to some glorified noodle fest on the mall, you got another thing coming, mister.”

— Stephen Colbert

237. “America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?”

— Stephen Colbert

238. “If you’re injecting fear into other people, then you’re trying to kill their minds. You’re trying to get them to stop thinking.”

— Stephen Colbert

239. “I love the earth. If you ask me it’s the greatest planet in the world.”

— Stephen Colbert

240. “Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.”

— Stephen Colbert

241. “Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”

— Stephen Colbert

242. “John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation.”

— Stephen Colbert

243. “We don’t have to look for what the next thing will be. If experience is any judge, it’ll come flowing toward us like a river.”

— Stephen Colbert

244. “John Boehner chose a huge gavel. I think somebody’s compensating for his small government.”

— Stephen Colbert

245. “I don’t want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they’re covered in a crunchy candy shell.”

— Stephen Colbert

246. “You can’t swallow and think about your tongue. If you think about your tongue, you’ve got a giant piece of meat in your mouth and that’s a terrible feeling.”

— Stephen Colbert

247. “Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together.”

— Stephen Colbert

248. “I’m off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.”

— Stephen Colbert

249. “History moves fast. It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!”

— Stephen Colbert

250. “If it’s called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?”

— Stephen Colbert