Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That’s why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.”

— Stephen Colbert

52. “Knock Knock. Who’s there? The Truth. No joke.”

— Stephen Colbert

53. “The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you.”

— Stephen Colbert

54. “After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it!”

— Stephen Colbert

55. “If you are a hermaphrodite, it is physically impossible to be gay.”

— Stephen Colbert

56. “And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.”

— Stephen Colbert

57. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry. That’s why I never apologize to my mirror.”

— Stephen Colbert

58. “Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity.”

— Stephen Colbert

59. “Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

— Stephen Colbert

60. “When I read books it’s to escape. It’s so I don’t have to talk to people.”

— Stephen Colbert

61. “You CAN make an omelette without breaking eggs. It’s just a really bad omelette.”

— Stephen Colbert

62. “Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.”

— Stephen Colbert

63. “If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.”

— Stephen Colbert

64. “When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.”

— Stephen Colbert

65. “I have no interest in behaving or thinking cynically. But it’s an easy trap to be cynical about anything, certainly when you’re talking about politics or the media.”

— Stephen Colbert

66. “A press that has validity is a press that has authority. And as soon as there’s any authority to what the press says, you question the authority of the government – it’s like the existence of another authority.”

— Stephen Colbert

67. “God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he’s never on welfare in a mysterious way.”

— Stephen Colbert

68. “It’s like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.”

— Stephen Colbert

69. “Nothing is more vintage than dying of Rubella.”

— Stephen Colbert

70. “Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.”

— Stephen Colbert

71. “When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don’t want to ride around with a quitter.”

— Stephen Colbert

72. “It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that’s not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.”

— Stephen Colbert

73. “They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.”

— Stephen Colbert

74. “If we don’t cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?”

— Stephen Colbert

75. “Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstandin g.”

— Stephen Colbert

76. “I’m disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn’t even have a religion if it wasn’t for capital punishment.”

— Stephen Colbert

77. “Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay.”

— Stephen Colbert

78. “Who’s Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that’s my right as an American.”

— Stephen Colbert

79. “Can’t wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it’s taking to VOTE.”

— Stephen Colbert

80. “If Jesus doesn’t have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.”

— Stephen Colbert

81. “If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I’m confused. Also hungry.”

— Stephen Colbert

82. “If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?”

— Stephen Colbert

83. “I can’t prove it, but I can say it.”

— Stephen Colbert

84. “This is America. I don’t want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.”

— Stephen Colbert

85. “Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.”

— Stephen Colbert

86. “Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.”

— Stephen Colbert

87. “Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That’s the sky. If you’re still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.”

— Stephen Colbert

88. “I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don’t know what I’d believe in if it wasn’t for that.”

— Stephen Colbert

89. “Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?”

— Stephen Colbert

90. “My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.”

— Stephen Colbert

91. “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”

— Stephen Colbert

92. “Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.”

— Stephen Colbert

93. “I suppose fear is like a drug. A little bit isn’t that bad, but you can get addicted to the consumption and distribution of it.”

— Stephen Colbert

94. “I love the Internet, and the Internet loves me back. Why else would it offer me so much sex?”

— Stephen Colbert

95. “I’m not here to affect you politically or socially. I’m here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.”

— Stephen Colbert

96. “I know that the pope’s infallible, but that doesn’t mean he can’t make mistakes.”

— Stephen Colbert

97. “Thinking that other people might be better than you is what makes you Canadian, not American.”

— Stephen Colbert

98. “I’ve long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.”

— Stephen Colbert

99. “The greatest threat facing American today – next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress – is the national news media.”

— Stephen Colbert

100. “Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they’re willing to make.”

— Stephen Colbert