Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I’m just a narcissist.”

— Stephen Colbert

152. “On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.”

— Stephen Colbert

153. “I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.”

— Stephen Colbert

154. “All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”

— Stephen Colbert

155. “After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.”

— Stephen Colbert

156. “It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.”

— Stephen Colbert

157. “Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California’s Canada, Oregon.”

— Stephen Colbert

158. “We’re not talking about truth, we’re talking about something that seems like truth – the truth we want to exist.”

— Stephen Colbert

159. “Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.”

— Stephen Colbert

160. “If someone spreads hate then they’re not your religious leader.”

— Stephen Colbert

161. “You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you’ve always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know – fiction.”

— Stephen Colbert

162. “No one has any idea what’s going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That’s why he’s building those rockets. He wants a ‘Plan B’ on another world.”

— Stephen Colbert

163. “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness – just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

— Stephen Colbert

164. “Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.”

— Stephen Colbert

165. “I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.”

— Stephen Colbert

166. “Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney’s tax plan doesn’t add up.”

— Stephen Colbert

167. “I gut check my show. I say, I say, “Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?” And Gut says, “Yes it does, Stephen. Let’s get a grilled cheese sandwich.””

— Stephen Colbert

168. “And of course I don’t go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I’m carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it’s a family name; I’m not changing it.”

— Stephen Colbert

169. “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!”

— Stephen Colbert

170. “Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?”

— Stephen Colbert

171. “If God wanted us to accept gays, he’d have made us compassionate.”

— Stephen Colbert

172. “No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.”

— Stephen Colbert

173. “Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief.”

— Stephen Colbert

174. “At every moment, we are volunteers.”

— Stephen Colbert

175. “Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I’m not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it’s at least Gay-rusalem.”

— Stephen Colbert

176. “The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.”

— Stephen Colbert

177. “Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?”

— Stephen Colbert

178. “I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven’t seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I’m not going to.”

— Stephen Colbert

179. “Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.”

— Stephen Colbert

180. “I’m not going to name any names, but let’s just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I’m just dry Trumping.”

— Stephen Colbert

181. “President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”

— Stephen Colbert

182. “I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black ‘at’ people. I didn’t just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.”

— Stephen Colbert

183. “Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.”

— Stephen Colbert

184. “The skinnification of America’s jeanscape has gone too far.”

— Stephen Colbert

185. “If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don’t. There’s a big difference. Check your lawyer.”

— Stephen Colbert

186. “Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping – and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!”

— Stephen Colbert

187. “Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, ‘All right, buddy, drop that book.”

— Stephen Colbert

188. “If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.”

— Stephen Colbert

189. “Don’t cry over spilled milk – get angry and punch a cow.”

— Stephen Colbert

190. “I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.”

— Stephen Colbert

191. “I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don’t, that’s funny to me. That’s why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you’re talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.”

— Stephen Colbert

192. “I don’t accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.”

— Stephen Colbert

193. “It’s hard to swallow your pride. That’s why I slather mine in mayonnaise.”

— Stephen Colbert

194. “I love making observations. That one is a classic example.”

— Stephen Colbert

195. “Other people’s deconstruction of your motivations doesn’t help you do what you do. You can’t swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.”

— Stephen Colbert

196. “Republicans: the party that brought us ‘Just Say No.’ First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform.”

— Stephen Colbert

197. “Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.”

— Stephen Colbert

198. “We are the shadow cast by real people. And that shadow changes shape as the news cycle changes shape, so you always have fresh dirt to dig in.”

— Stephen Colbert

199. “My guest Newt Gingrich shut down the government during the Clinton administration. I’ll ask him when it’s gonna start working again.”

— Stephen Colbert

200. “I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.”

— Stephen Colbert