Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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151. “I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids.”

— Stephen Colbert

152. “All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It’s only the dogs who’ve accepted Christ.”

— Stephen Colbert

153. “On this show, your voice will be heard – in the form of my voice.”

— Stephen Colbert

154. “We’re not talking about truth, we’re talking about something that seems like truth – the truth we want to exist.”

— Stephen Colbert

155. “It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.”

— Stephen Colbert

156. “I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I’m just a narcissist.”

— Stephen Colbert

157. “You should spend more time with your families; write that novel you’ve always wanted to write. You know, the one about the fearless reporter who stands up to the administration. You know – fiction.”

— Stephen Colbert

158. “Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California’s Canada, Oregon.”

— Stephen Colbert

159. “I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.”

— Stephen Colbert

160. “After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered ‘obsessively Googling symptoms’ is a symptom of hypochondria.”

— Stephen Colbert

161. “It’s official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.”

— Stephen Colbert

162. “Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.”

— Stephen Colbert

163. “If someone spreads hate then they’re not your religious leader.”

— Stephen Colbert

164. “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you’re in business, buddy!”

— Stephen Colbert

165. “Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.”

— Stephen Colbert

166. “No one has any idea what’s going to happen. Not even Elon Musk. That’s why he’s building those rockets. He wants a ‘Plan B’ on another world.”

— Stephen Colbert

167. “Christianity is the best way to cure gayness – just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.”

— Stephen Colbert

168. “Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney’s tax plan doesn’t add up.”

— Stephen Colbert

169. “I gut check my show. I say, I say, “Gut, gut, does that feel true to you?” And Gut says, “Yes it does, Stephen. Let’s get a grilled cheese sandwich.””

— Stephen Colbert

170. “And of course I don’t go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I’m carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it’s a family name; I’m not changing it.”

— Stephen Colbert

171. “If God wanted us to accept gays, he’d have made us compassionate.”

— Stephen Colbert

172. “No matter how you were born, no matter how you identify, I want to be clear that I would be proud to grind you up and eat you.”

— Stephen Colbert

173. “Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief.”

— Stephen Colbert

174. “Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?”

— Stephen Colbert

175. “The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don’t think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald’s.”

— Stephen Colbert

176. “Hey yogurt, if you’re so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera?”

— Stephen Colbert

177. “At every moment, we are volunteers.”

— Stephen Colbert

178. “Cardinal Dolan, of course, has a very, very hard job: trying to hold up Catholic family values in sexually liberal New York City. I’m not saying New York is the Gay Mecca. But it’s at least Gay-rusalem.”

— Stephen Colbert

179. “I do my show half-hour a night four nights a week. I haven’t seen my kids in 18 months, and I am losing calcium in my bones. Doctors say I should stop. I’m not going to.”

— Stephen Colbert

180. “Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.”

— Stephen Colbert

181. “I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear black ‘at’ people. I didn’t just want to play Hamlet, I wanted to be Hamlet.”

— Stephen Colbert

182. “Gravitas is the soup bone in the stew of television news.”

— Stephen Colbert

183. “I’m not going to name any names, but let’s just say, I want to do jokes on Donald Trump so badly, and I have no venue. So right now, I’m just dry Trumping.”

— Stephen Colbert

184. “President Bush, have a hot dog with me.”

— Stephen Colbert

185. “The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.”

— Stephen Colbert

186. “If you imitate someone, you owe them a royalty check. If you emulate them, you don’t. There’s a big difference. Check your lawyer.”

— Stephen Colbert

187. “Don’t cry over spilled milk – get angry and punch a cow.”

— Stephen Colbert

188. “I don’t accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.”

— Stephen Colbert

189. “Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping – and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!”

— Stephen Colbert

190. “The skinnification of America’s jeanscape has gone too far.”

— Stephen Colbert

191. “If poor people want food stamps, they should become massive corporations.”

— Stephen Colbert

192. “Divorce is a marital welfare. It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married. How is that our fault? Don’t drag down my country’s statistics just because you ran off and got hitched before you ever saw each other in a bad mood.”

— Stephen Colbert

193. “I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.”

— Stephen Colbert

194. “I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don’t, that’s funny to me. That’s why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you’re talking about the gap between what people say and what they do.”

— Stephen Colbert

195. “It’s hard to swallow your pride. That’s why I slather mine in mayonnaise.”

— Stephen Colbert

196. “Pain is the body’s way of telling the brain it’s in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain’s way of telling the body, ‘All right, buddy, drop that book.”

— Stephen Colbert

197. “Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can’t eat me. I’m a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there’s less bones to pick out.”

— Stephen Colbert

198. “I’ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can’t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?”

— Stephen Colbert

199. “I love making observations. That one is a classic example.”

— Stephen Colbert

200. “Other people’s deconstruction of your motivations doesn’t help you do what you do. You can’t swallow and think about swallowing at the same time.”

— Stephen Colbert