Top 100

Top 350 Stephen Colbert Quotes (2024 Update)
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Stephen Colbert Quote: “History moves fast. It’s hard to believe that gay Americans achieved full constitutional personhood just five years after corporations did!”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “If it’s called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Researchers from Britain’s Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Women don’t want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I’m an actor. I hate to blow everyone’s illusions.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “If I’m doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can’t control the context, I’m loath to do the character.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “It’s no surprise I am addicted to all the Republican presidential candidates. They are like crack – in that they will devastate black communities.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Some people perceive me as an assassin or at least someone who can slip under your guard with a knife. But if you watch what I do, that’s almost never the case. I’m just trying to keep the balloon in the air. It rarely turns into anything combative.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait – no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “If you’re injecting fear into other people, then you’re trying to kill their minds. You’re trying to get them to stop thinking.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don’t point to communist societies like the Soviet Union – they worshipped blue jeans.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Everybody loves dogs. They’re the pizza of the animal kingdom.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “You don’t want to just do a joke because it works – we can make a lot of jokes work – you want to do a joke because it will hopefully build into an argument.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don’t understand.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “You don’t need the right facts if you have the right inflection.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Mitt Romney’s email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they’re from a bot, he’s fixed the problem.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I’ll make fun of anybody. We’re all about falling down and going boom on camera.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It’s a devious con that can only be described as insurance.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman’s chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I’m a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Last night was Super Tuesday – a 10-state GOP Primary orgy. A big, sweaty pile of lever-yankin Republican voters. And like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Will Herman Cain become the first black President that I acknowledge? I call him a dark horse because he’s an unlikely candidate who surged forward, and not because he’s a horse.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “In America, we know to ignore artists if they’re serious in any way.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty – unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I deliver my Truth hot and hard.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes’.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “So if animals aren’t our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I don’t like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “It’s the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I’d like to leave you with a bit of wisdom I picked up from a documentary I saw this weekend: Mad Max: Fury Road. All you young people really need to succeed in the future is a reliable source of fuel and a fanatical cadre of psychopathic motorcycle killers.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “I am no fan of books.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Throughout human history, countries rise and fall. But not America-we continue to rise and rise, like dough, until Jesus bakes us in the fiery Afterscape of the Rapture.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.”
Stephen Colbert Quote: “Once I’m performing the show, I think that hour show has a certain intimacy with our audience. And that intimacy is through the lens and the live audience is a witness to that, whereas the audience at home is actually the object of my efforts.”
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