Top 180 Andy Rooney Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.”

— Andy Rooney

52. “In a conversation, keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.”

— Andy Rooney

53. “When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

— Andy Rooney

54. “Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.”

— Andy Rooney

55. “You can’t be a good writer without being a good thinker.”

— Andy Rooney

56. “Conservatives are more religious than liberals – although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.”

— Andy Rooney

57. “I’m always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.”

— Andy Rooney

58. “I mean, I’m not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.”

— Andy Rooney

59. “If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.”

— Andy Rooney

60. “Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they’ll be okay if they’re left alone.”

— Andy Rooney

61. “There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn’t that seem like cheating?”

— Andy Rooney

62. “The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

— Andy Rooney

63. “One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.”

— Andy Rooney

64. “The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever ‘curling’ means.”

— Andy Rooney

65. “I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.”

— Andy Rooney

66. “People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.”

— Andy Rooney

67. “I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?”

— Andy Rooney

68. “I like Valentine’s Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don’t dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.”

— Andy Rooney

69. “We all ought to understand we’re on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn’t do kids any harm for a few years but it isn’t smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”

— Andy Rooney

70. “We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.”

— Andy Rooney

71. “I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.”

— Andy Rooney

72. “Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.”

— Andy Rooney

73. “I don’t know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you’ve taken a pill out?”

— Andy Rooney

74. “I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.”

— Andy Rooney

75. “Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he’s written that can’t be read aloud easily.”

— Andy Rooney

76. “Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a chef.”

— Andy Rooney

77. “Person-to-person, most people are honest.”

— Andy Rooney

78. “My mother always called me ‘sturdy’ and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.”

— Andy Rooney

79. “I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.”

— Andy Rooney

80. “Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.”

— Andy Rooney

81. “The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.”

— Andy Rooney

82. “You’re better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.”

— Andy Rooney

83. “Once you pass forty, a dime isn’t worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.”

— Andy Rooney

84. “The Super Bowl isn’t for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.”

— Andy Rooney

85. “People waiting for an elevator don’t know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.”

— Andy Rooney

86. “Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don’t use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don’t have much interest in the information. I’m the opposite.”

— Andy Rooney

87. “Numbers are the most certain things we have.”

— Andy Rooney

88. “Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.”

— Andy Rooney

89. “Most college students are not as smart as most college presidents.”

— Andy Rooney

90. “I can’t choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.”

— Andy Rooney

91. “Writers don’t retire. I will always be a writer.”

— Andy Rooney

92. “When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.”

— Andy Rooney

93. “A writer’s job is to tell the truth.”

— Andy Rooney

94. “If I’d known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can’t remember a single project I would have started.”

— Andy Rooney

95. “Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.”

— Andy Rooney

96. “If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.”

— Andy Rooney

97. “Numbers tend to give the impression that there’s more order in the world than there is.”

— Andy Rooney

98. “I’m in a position of feeling secure enough so that I can say what I think is right and if so many people think it’s wrong that I get fired, well, I’ve got enough to eat.”

— Andy Rooney

99. “If you put on an item of clothing that hurts just because you have an idea it looks better or conforms to what other people are wearing, it’s dumb.”

— Andy Rooney

100. “I’d like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there’s something going on in mathematics that I don’t understand, and I’d like to find out what it is.”

— Andy Rooney