Top 180 Andy Rooney Quotes (2024 Update)
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51. “The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books – how not to eat what you’ve just learned how to cook.”

— Andy Rooney

52. “Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.”

— Andy Rooney

53. “No one ever writes a book in which he is the bad guy.”

— Andy Rooney

54. “Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us.”

— Andy Rooney

55. “In a conversation, keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is.”

— Andy Rooney

56. “When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.”

— Andy Rooney

57. “Bacon is clearly a food made by the Nazis to fatten up Americans. It has no nutritional value, is full of fat, sodium, and nitrates, and is a pathetic type of consumable made from the noblest of creatures.”

— Andy Rooney

58. “You can’t be a good writer without being a good thinker.”

— Andy Rooney

59. “Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.”

— Andy Rooney

60. “Conservatives are more religious than liberals – although there is no evidence that they’re nicer people because of it.”

— Andy Rooney

61. “Death is a distant rumor to the young.”

— Andy Rooney

62. “I’m always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.”

— Andy Rooney

63. “I mean, I’m not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.”

— Andy Rooney

64. “If you do see me in a restaurant, please, just let me eat my dinner.”

— Andy Rooney

65. “Democrats believe people are basically good but must be saved from themselves by the government. Republicans believe people are basically bad but they’ll be okay if they’re left alone.”

— Andy Rooney

66. “There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn’t that seem like cheating?”

— Andy Rooney

67. “The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

— Andy Rooney

68. “The dullest Olympic sport is curling, whatever ‘curling’ means.”

— Andy Rooney

69. “People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.”

— Andy Rooney

70. “I try to look nice. I comb my hair, I tie my tie, I put on a jacket, but I draw the line when it comes to trimming my eyebrows. You work with what you got.”

— Andy Rooney

71. “We’re all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don’t make any big ones.”

— Andy Rooney

72. “I don’t think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn’t surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?”

— Andy Rooney

73. “I like Valentine’s Day. The trouble is the florists and the candy-makers and the card people are all advertising so much, you don’t dare let the day go by without making an offering, whether you mean it or not. Money exceeds affection.”

— Andy Rooney

74. “We all ought to understand we’re on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn’t do kids any harm for a few years but it isn’t smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”

— Andy Rooney

75. “I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don’t return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn’t want that to happen, would you.”

— Andy Rooney

76. “I don’t know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you’ve taken a pill out?”

— Andy Rooney

77. “Don’t take a butcher’s advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he’d be a chef.”

— Andy Rooney

78. “I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.”

— Andy Rooney

79. “Anyone should be very suspicious of a sentence he’s written that can’t be read aloud easily.”

— Andy Rooney

80. “Person-to-person, most people are honest.”

— Andy Rooney

81. “The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.”

— Andy Rooney

82. “My mother always called me ‘sturdy’ and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.”

— Andy Rooney

83. “I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.”

— Andy Rooney

84. “People waiting for an elevator don’t know what to do, standing with strangers. There is nothing to do. Its an uneasy time. Some press the button repeatedly as though it would help.”

— Andy Rooney

85. “Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.”

— Andy Rooney

86. “You’re better off missing a bus or an airplane once in a while than you are getting there too early all the time.”

— Andy Rooney

87. “Once you pass forty, a dime isn’t worth bending over to pick up if you drop one.”

— Andy Rooney

88. “The Super Bowl isn’t for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.”

— Andy Rooney

89. “Did you ever notice that people who are good with a computer don’t use it for much of anything except being good with a computer? They know all about information technology, but they don’t have much interest in the information. I’m the opposite.”

— Andy Rooney

90. “Numbers are the most certain things we have.”

— Andy Rooney

91. “If I’d known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can’t remember a single project I would have started.”

— Andy Rooney

92. “Most college students are not as smart as most college presidents.”

— Andy Rooney

93. “I can’t choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.”

— Andy Rooney

94. “Writers don’t retire. I will always be a writer.”

— Andy Rooney

95. “When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.”

— Andy Rooney

96. “I’d like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there’s something going on in mathematics that I don’t understand, and I’d like to find out what it is.”

— Andy Rooney

97. “A writer’s job is to tell the truth.”

— Andy Rooney

98. “Taxes are important. President Bush’s tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.”

— Andy Rooney

99. “If you get murdered because you go on a date with someone you met on the Internet, you probably deserved it.”

— Andy Rooney

100. “Numbers tend to give the impression that there’s more order in the world than there is.”

— Andy Rooney